Hell yes I'm jealous!
...and I can’t figure out how to get over it.
I admit that I do have a lot more alone time with BF of nearly 4 years than a lot of people do, but living alone and being divorced for 3 years when I was so used to being with someone for the previous 15 years is hard to get used to and I still get lonely. We currently see each other about 2-3 hours a night and spend Sunday afternoons together. I am the type that needs more quality time and closeness with BF, but can’t get it because I can’t/won’t move in.
There is a lot of back story to the reasons why, but I refuse to give up my home and all of my belongings to move into someone else’s home and live like a roommate with kids that have no rules, no structure, no discipline, etc. with me having no say about when they are there, for how long and what happens while they are there. I also have 2 senior dogs to care for at my home and being that my BF doesn’t have a fence, I can’t take my dogs there with me as they are not walking dogs due to being old, but just like to go outside and lay around and mosey a bit here and there, etc.
So, the kids are there this whole week due to spring break and spend multiple weeks during the summer break there as well. Now, I totally understand kids needing to spend time with parents, but that isn’t the case here. The kids come to dads house and spend nearly 24/7 in their room on the computer, when they’re not walking back and forth to the kitchen or wanting something from dad as they have unlimited access to computers and video games. They are 11 and 10 for reference. The only reason BF lets them come over is because they want to be there as they do not have their own computer at home and of course no rules as dads, of course combined with the divorced dad guilt that would kill before actually telling his special snowflakes “no”! So, it’s not due to wanting to actually see or spend time with dad, or vice versa, but instead just take up space, air and food while they are there so they can spend all day on the computer. So, yes again, I am jealous over the fact that they are there being lazy and doing nothing and I have to stay at home because of it! BF works at home, as do I, so the mere fact of these kids being there for no good reason keeps me from being there as well and it does make me jealous! BF and I have talked over and over again and did again just last night, but nothing ever changes...so here I sit at home, alone while his little are at his house doing nothing! 
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LOL I kind of think this way
LOL I kind of think this way too. It's hard for me to wrap around my head, skids coming over to visit their parent, then they just spend their entire time in their room or playing video games, etc.
BUT some kids view both parents home/space as their home/space so it's not like if they were at their mom's house (if that is their main residence) that they would have to spend every minute right beside their mom.
DH would often go on and on about how much the skids love to come over to his house and how they come over so much. Yes that is true. They love your house because there are no rules. They love to come over because they can do whatever they want and are spoiled.
The skids would come over and DH would do his own thing and the skids would do their own thing. I just always found this so odd. Not sure why, but I did. Especially bc they were mostly EOW and holidays.
When my Ex and I did 50/50 with our son- when it was "my" time I was very active with BS. We were spending quality time together. But sometimes I had stuff that needed to be done on his time or things I needed to do and I could not include him. I had a really hard time with this.
You are smart to not move in with him if you know you are going to be unhappy.
But just like you need to stay home because of your dogs, he does need to stay home and parent his kids. Even if you dont agree on how he is parenting or using his visitation. It's up for him to decided at this point.
Does he want you guys to be married and live together? Have you spoken to him about how you feel about his kids and how they seem to have no rules while at his house?
While I agree for the most
While I agree for the most part, I do 50:50 with my ex right now. When BS7 is here with me, I will ask what he wants to do and most of the time he wants to just chill out at home. He will play, watch TV, read and play video games. I think he is comfortable and feels this is "home" and at home he just wants to chill out. Sometimes I outright say to him "let's do something today, what shall we do?". 9/10 times he says "I just want to stay home with you". My version of with you is doing things together, his is just knowing I am here. Often I am bored before he is!
So, assuming it is just a free ride may be accurate, but often times just being around the other person is all that is needed.
Oh and before anyone jumps on
Oh and before anyone jumps on me - he has chores here! This morning alone he has spent 2 hours organizing his toys as I am fed up of them being mixed up and him emptying the entire lot because he is looking for something! He has to clean up after himself, he feeds the cats and fish and has to assist with trash and laundry - he actually enjoys helping, again making me think he just enjoys hanging out at home! I have a lot of work I need to do (computer Wise) so we both get "computer/game time!"
Run.
Run.
Most children will lie around
Most children will lie around doing nothing and staring at a screen all the time if they're allowed to, it's just lazy parenting. It's not true that the only reason bf lets them come over is because they want to use the computer, he lets them come over because he loves them and wants to spend time with them in his home, and he is probably happy to provide computers and games as bait to help keep them there. You've made a very sensible decision to keep your own place. You don't have to live separately because his kids are there, you have to stay home because your bf chooses not to make any changes to his parenting or household to facilitate your being able to live together. Kids are kids, the person with the responsibility and the power to change things is your bf. But in all honesty if he is not inclined to change then trying to push him to do so would probably just lead to resentment and conflict and the misery we see every day on this board. You're comparatively well off, you see a lot of him and very little of his children, there are some who believe its actually better to wait until skids are grown up before moving in together.
Great advice ! I wish i
Great advice ! I wish i would've kept a separate residence!
Beware of moving in. Youll be miserable
I do get that kids, given the
I do get that kids, given the choice would always want to spend their time in front of the computer, but then why come over to the BFs house and take up space, food and driving a wedge in between BF and I if you are only going to spend approx. 1 hour a day together? In that time, BF could just take the kids out to dinner or lunch or go do something together instead of having them stay at the house for an entire week and foul up the ability to make everyone happy. So yes, I am jealous over the fact that they sit on their behinds and waste space while I have to sit at home because of it. I can guarantee you if I was there for a week, BF and I would be spending a lot more time together than his kids and him spend together over the week! BF doesn't see it that way though and only gives his kids what they want, which is wanting to come over only because of computer time, video games and no rules. If they really wanted to spend their own quality time with dad, they would and BF would likely jump at the chance to do so. He is just very much a lazy parent and won't initiate the activities or rules of the house.
I certainly do not plan on moving in any time soon, but it does hurt me and I do carry around an armload of resentment because of it.
I'm perfectly find with them
I'm perfectly find with them coming over every other weekend and on holidays, but them coming over for weeks at a time for no damn reason irks me, yes. It interrupts the normal everyday flow of workdays and does prevent me from living there. BF works during the day and even admits that he doesn't get as much work done when they are there because they are so damn needy still, so them being there for weeks at a time doesn't benefit anyone except for the kids getting what they want and BF's guilt load lessening. For eowe and holiday visitation, I see that as different and sometimes they will swim together or go to get dessert for instance. When BF and I first met, he did only have them eowe as he worked a regular office job and that is what I essentially "agreed to" when I started dating him. BF changed the plans and doesn't care how it affects me or the future of our relationship.
Yep, we don't and it's going
Yep, we don't and it's going to stay that way as long as I'm put on the back burner, no matter how much it bugs me. There is a level of compromise for everyone, he just refuses to do it. To me, this screams "I don't care enough about you to make it work". I guess I'm still around for selfish reasons.
"Asking any man to see his
"Asking any man to see his kids LESS to please you because you are jealous of them isn't going to fly with anyone, IMO."
^^^Yep, and if it did fly with someone, what does that say about where you stand on his list of priorities if his own children are that easily disposable?
I'm confused as to why you
I'm confused as to why you can't be there when they're there. If all they do is sit in their rooms, then how exactly would they bother you? My parents were married until I was 12. I spent A LOT of time in my room. I didn't sit on mom and dads heads for them to entertain me 24/7. I tell my SD all the time, you would have PLENTY of boring weekends if BM and DH were till married, so suck it up and find something to do. Having a fun activity planned EVERY TIME they come over sets some high expectations. But it sounds like you want the man without the kids, and frankly that's not fair to the kids. If you want someone all for yourself, find someone childless.
You need to move on. this is
You need to move on. this is not going to change until these kids are much much older! IF THEN. Sounds like to me you are the only unhappy one in this relationship, your BF is happy and seems like his kids are too. You need to find a man without kids or be willing to sit home on weekends and holidays or any other time he has his kids. I waited it out for my SO's kids to get older and go off to school and have a life of their own, but I was much older than you and enjoyed MOST of the time I had to myself. I'm not saying I didn't want more...I did, but I now have more. If you ask me whether it was worth the wait..Yes it was. We have been together for 10 years, and we just moved in together 3 years ago. But the first 7 were extremely difficult. If your BF is not making any moves to spend more time with you, then you need to know that he is happy the way things are...and if you are NOT...then you need to think about this very seriously, if you want to wait around until these kids are 10 years older to really have a life with BF.
The kids wouldn't bother me
The kids wouldn't bother me one bit. Not having a fence for the dogs however is a total deal breaker
!