Curious about opinions from both bios and steps. Quick poll.
So I've been trying much harder lately not to be too unreasonable or expect too much out of my SO when it comes to his kids because I know I'm never going to win the battle. So, something last night came up and I'm just curious as to whether it was acceptable and I'm being unreasonable or whether it is unacceptable and the SO was being unreasonable.
Nothing major, and I'm not mad at the situation, just something that I've been thinking about. SO and I went out to dinner last night. We also had to make a stop first and pick up something for one of the kids. From the time we left the house until the time we got back to the house, SO and the kids were texting back and forth ALL NIGHT. Nothing important and nothing that couldn't wait, just chatting about things. This went on every 5-10 minutes or so for a good 2 hours. I didn't say anything and could understand them chatting a few times to ask about the item that was being picked up and even a few minutes of chatty chat with the kids, but I thought this was excessive.
Now, SO wants to be the type to "always be there for the kids" and not alienate them or feel like they are not loved or wanted, however I feel that there are times that he needs to say to the kids that we are out somewhere or having dinner and they can talk about these things later. I thought it was also kind of disrespectful to me as we were supposed to be spending time together, however he would alternate the conversation between myself and then go back to the kids, vice versa.
So, from both standpoints, a bio and a step, what do you feel about this? Is the SO reasonable/ unreasonable or am I? Just want to find out what the consensus is in these sorts of things and let it go. Thanks.
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It was one thing to perhaps
It was one thing to perhaps text for the 'picking item for kid up'. Totally unacceptable with the remainder.
If the reason for the outing was to spend time together, the texts were intrusive. As a BM if it were my bios calling/texting me like that a mass text to their phones would have went out 'knock it off unless someone is choking, broken or bleeding' . If it were my husband, he wouldn't respond to them at all as he doesn't text. In the event it were our kids calling/texting DH I would have reached over, picked up his phone and shut it off. Dh doesn't need his on if mine is on at a dining table out having dinner.
As my SS is grown and out of the house , I would have had to text SS that Dad was eating and would get back to him later, unless emergency and then call not text (again DH doesn't text). If SS would have called instead of texted, Dh would merely have let it go to VM.
Your Dh was quite rude in allowing his children to ruin your outing. He doesn't have to be that d*mn available. I am assuming that if the kids are old enough to be left home alone, they are also old enough not to pester Dad every five minutes while he has dinner out.
Thanks all. I really and
Thanks all. I really and truly wanted to make sure I was not being unreasonable by disrupting his access and communications with his kids. Admittedly, both SO and I are big technology nerds lol and we will do things on our phones while out to dinner, while sharing what we are doing together, or if someone texts me I will text them back, etc. so I don't necessarily believe that all phones at dinner should be banned.
I'm glad to hear that I was not being unreasonable. I actually did not say anything about it, because again I am trying to get to a point where I don't interfere and anything that I do say about the kids is always met with immediate defensiveness so I try to stay out of it as much as possible.
When we finally got home and the texting continued, I made a comment that he was texting a lot that evening and asked what was going on. He just told me that they were chatting about things like furniture, their bedrooms, etc. and he even laughed a bit that it was the same exact subject going on all night long. The kids btw are 11 and 12 and were with their mother as it was her weekend. SO asked if it bothered me and I just said that it had been going on all night and that was the end of the conversation. I was not going to push the issue or complain because it would have just ruined the rest of the evening. Also, given their ages, this was about 10-10:30 at night that it continued to when we got home.
So thanks for the opinions so far. At least I'm not crazy in my way of thinking as I do feel sometimes that I am unreasonable of which I am working on and trying to keep the peace more.
I would also be unhappy on
I would also be unhappy on behalf of the BM. It's her weekend. Kids are not hermetically sealed in her house, but Dad should step back and let them orient themselves toward Mom. Your DH is facilitating them hanging back from whatever's going on at BM's. Maybe avoiding making friends with step or half-siblings or joining in a family activity or just interacting with BM. Kind of sounds like they were maybe reporting on BM's house/furniture. Not cool.
And, yes, I agree with everyone else, attend to the person who is at the dinner table with you. My DH has learned to put the phone away when I set dinner on the table or when we go out. He was better about it, perfect in fact, when we were dating. After marriage he forgot and I had to remind him. He was fine with that.
I would have walked out. He
I would have walked out. He does not value your company.
Texting anyone during dinner
Texting anyone during dinner is rude & should only be done if it's a life or death situation IMHO.
This was very rude of him, no
This was very rude of him, no matter who he was texting back & forth with. He needs to learn some cell phone etiquette. Just because you CAN text and take calls 24/7, doesn't mean you should.
Remember the days when you left the house and the phone stayed there? I do. The world didn't end.
I think it is so rude when
I think it is so rude when people constantly text when they're spending time with others, especially when you're out for supper or something like that. Unless it's an emergency, he shouldn't be texting his kids every 10 minutes. What do they do when they're at school? Obviously they don't have to constantly be in contact with him then. I grew up in a time where not everyone had a cell phone. If my parents went out for supper I didn't have contact with them until they got home and I'm fine.
If he wanted to chat with his daughter, he should have called her and chatted for 10 minutes before or after you went for supper. I hate having texting conversations over the span of hours that could be done in 10 minutes by speaking on the phone.
I am the kind of person who
I am the kind of person who has told her good friends and my H to put their phones away. I find it rude and inconsiderate to leave your phone out to text or take calls when you're with someone else. Especially at meals. I cannot tell you the number of times I have confiscated skids' phone at dinner.
The exception is an emergency.
Being available to your children 27/7 is unhealthy and unrealistic. All that is teaching children is they are the center of the universe and everyone should pay attention to them.
My parents made it very clear to us that we were interrupting them when we spoke out of turn. We had babysitters and they went out to dinner or out with friends. We weren't invited. They sometimes had parties at our home, we were sent to our rooms, not allowed to be a part of their adult time.
I can assure you I turned out fine and rarely engage my homicidal tendencies.
Your SO is a Disney Dad and he is teaching his kids they are the only priority in his life.
This is the real
This is the real problem:
"anything that I do say about the kids is always met with immediate defensiveness"
In a serious, committed, long term relationship with someone with children you can't always be biting your tongue and letting things go, just because he can't or won't negotiate calmly over ANY issues to do with his children. It's a recipe for disaster. You might be able to cope with it to start with and convince yourself that you can do 'see no evil hear no evil' over this stuff, but as time goes on it will drive you insane, not just the normal kid stuff that can cause frustration, but the fact that your partner isn't open to listening and compromising in his handling of them.
It sounds like it's earlyish days in your relationship, and you are already in a position where you are editing yourself and second guessing your own perfectly normal reactions to things because you are wary of putting his back up and causing tension. Answering one or two texts during a meal is normal, texting ALL evening over nothing at all IS rude, and you did not feel able to say that to your SO, because you were worried about causing a row and spoiling the mood. That's not good.
Date night hubby. No texting.
Date night hubby. No texting. Romance is just as important as being a parent. I bet he did not get lucky that night.
You are not unreasonable at
You are not unreasonable at all
i hate the lack of respect they should all show you. IMO if you are out on a date the phone stays away unless its a life or death situation.
My skids continually text day and night about complete *r*p and then walk in the door 5mins later and discuss all again with SO
we even went to Italy for a long weekend break his parents stayed and looked after skids and still they text all the time.
I havent lived with my SO for very long but am already thinking i have made a mistake. I like alone time with the one i love but that rarely happens now because they are always txting each.other.
How i hate mobile phones!