The hardest thing in my case was having to be a full time stepparent. So basically I was a parent without any of the perks. I had to cook, clean, do laundry, taxi cab around, buy gifts, ect. but I didn't get any respect or appreciation like a bio parent would.

dealing with a crazy BM

It is bonding with a child and then no matter how much you care for this little person, you don't have a say in most things that affect this child - I think that is why some SParents eventually take the "I don't care" attitude because they are protecting their self from deep emotional hurt.

The biggest issue for me is 'blending' our families. My BS was raised rather strictly, my SS was raised like a Prince. Our Daughter (2 yr) will be raised (if I have my way) like my BS was raised... Little prince does nothing to contribute to our home, and gets away with everything... so it's trying to explain to my BS that I still want him raised differently..and trying to explain why it's ok for his Step brother to be raised an entirely different way. It's caused much tension.

The hardest part for me is that I was willing & eager to be a mother-figure to my skids when BM walked away from them. Now that she is back, everything I've done for them, everything I was willing to be for them has gone COMPLETELY unappreciated, & because BM said so...I'm the reason DH didn't take BM back a 4th time so they could all be a family together again.

I'd do anything in the world to help my skids be productive happy individuals, but BM will never let it happen.

For me it is the expectation for DH that I treat Sd like my own yet finding he refuses to be a parent thus leaving me the ultimate 'evil stepmom'.

What he meant is that I should treat SD like he and BM treat SD, like a princess. THen I would have gotten it right.

I guess that all boils down to differing parenting methods.

For me it is the fact that two little boys I love and have made part of my family and my home have to deal with the stupid witch they call "Mom." They get those long, embarrassing, crying hugs that Crayon describes in their driveway when they are coming with us even just for two days. They have to search the bleachers for their Dad, b/c they have no idea whether their BM told him about their school events. They live w/ a stepdad who screams at them daily, and they only get to see their dad 20% of their lives. It really really sucks. And it makes me mad. Which makes me not very reasonable to deal with in all other family matters.

I've been living with my OH and his daughter - a student, now 21, for the last year. No kids of my own.

I don't know why it's called step parenting, I'm basically the b*tch who came in and changed the status quo.

I find it hard to live in this situation where no matter what I do it's perceived as just doing it to make life difficult for the SD.
I've been lurking here a lot and the best thing I learned was to disengage.

I resent cooking,cleaning,buying food & household things, doing up the house for this woman who doesn't appreciate it. Her BM, whom she moved out on when she was 15, is quote "marvellous" unquote, yes it's easy to be marvellous when you don't have to live with their moods, don't clean house for them, don't have them stay over, don't shop for them, ok does buying a coffee now and again for them count?

Since we basically have gone from SS living with us to rarely hearing from him and a SD who we saw on occasion to being asked to relinquish DH's parental rights - I have to say the hardest thing for me is watching my husband try to deal with all of this without him thinking that he's a horrible parent and person. I watched 2 children basically destroy a loving father because BM was willing to use them as weapons because she'd prefer if DH would fall off the face of the earth.

Now we have son who is 2.5 and a little girl due in about 6 weeks and my husband is trying to work thru what he sees as his failure. No matter how many times I tell him what an incredible father he is - he doesn't quite buy into it completely.

The hardest thing for me is by far dealing with a crazy BM. There are LOTS of other hard things, but those other things wouldn't be so hard if BM wasn't a crazy! Lol. Being a step parent is largely a thankless role, and we are often characterized as nothing more than a glorified babysitter. Its not exactly like that in my situation because my SO and I work together about things regarding SS5, and he always keeps me a part of things regarding SS5,despite BM's antics.

SusiQ, you just hit on another thing that makes this SParenting difficult and that is watching the man you care about and love, being treated the way he is, either by the BM or the SKids.

The hardest thing for me is having to know Super Stupid, a person I would have no reason to ever come in contact with either professionally or socially but am acquainted with because my DH once effed her.

The hardest thing for me seems to be setting aside my selfish tendencies to always want DH’s unconditional love and attention lavished on myself 24/7 and not becoming jealous over his love towards his kids.

Not having children of my own I’ll NEVER understand the unconditional love and selflessness that comes with being a bio-parent. Where I see him “spoiling” them sometimes, a bio-parent would be looking at it as “doing anything humanly possible” for their kid. It’s a constant battle in my brain… trying to see his actions through a “parents” eyes and not a “step-parents”.

I also have a really hard time with physical contact with the kids.
DH is constantly saying, “Give Moon a thank you hug for that wonderful dinner!” or “give Moon a great big kiss and hug goodnight!!!”… it’s horribly uncomfortable for me AND the kids! I know he’s trying to promote a bond… but it’s just weird. The only “good” hugs come out of the blue and unsolicited… I wish my H would learn that

I would have to say the child-centered parenting that BM employs and the issues that arise with it.

For me it's coming home to nothing but to be their slave. The one who cooks and cleans and is expected to do it. I'm tempted to take out my IUD and have something of my own, someone to care and love for, someone to genuinely love me back because they depend on me. My bio kids are grown and my son has his own family and my daughter well she's just starting to experience life. I want a baby of my own again!!!!

The hardest part for me is the feeling that I am not a real family member (or, at times, even a real person!) It isn't a constant feeling, but it comes out in moments when DH and my stepkids are cuddling on the sofa, and no one moves over to make room for me...or when my stepkids are sitting next to me but call "dad," "dad?" "DAD!!!" and only turn to me to ask their question when DH is clearly not around to respond, or when the kids fight over who gets to sit next to dad at dinner... The list goes on and on.

My BF's kids aren't horrible by any means but they do lack in social manners...manners altogether. They are both drama queens....they get a little scratch and you would think the world was coming to an end.
The hard part for me is getting them to respect boundaries and understanding that those boundaries will be enforced, and just when things start going smoother....they go back to the BM; all of our (yes, including the kids)hard work goes down the toilet.
The next time the kids are over, we have to start all over again. Extremely frustrating for all of us.
The other thing....is just not being their bio-parent so things are a little different; especially with the son. I discipline him and later he tells me he doesn't like me or to go away, and he throws in the I want my mommy thing.

Top 5 Things That I Find Most Challenging About Being A Stepparent:
1. Having to deal with a child that I have no control over
2. Being a stepparent full time with very few breaks from it
3. Seeing a child grow up to be a completely worthless in the real world when she has the potential to be so much more.
4. BM has no responsibilty in the parenting of her child
5. Having a stepchild that doesn't want a relationship

People, I am sooooooo very glad I found this site - being in this situation you begin to believe it's yourself that's causing the friction, I've been told by OH that because I don't have kids of my own I don't understand. Maybe I don't... but I DO understand that to live in some semblance of harmony one must have respect for other people. Maybe some things could be understood if they were being done by KIDS but by an ADULT???

Like many more of you here I came into this situation with the best will in the world, I actually thought it might be nice for my SD to have a lovely home rather than a glorified glory hole, I thought it might be nice for her to have a freshly cooked meal on the table rather than something from Grandma that had to be microwaved, jeeez!, how thick was I!!

I did think that when I was sitting beside her Dad she would be courteous enough to say goodnight to me too when she was going out. I thought when I organised champagne, card, present, cake etc for her birthday that the least I would get on my birthday would be a bloody text message. How wrong was I?!!!

Anyway the gist of this is I know now I am not alone, I'm not the bad b*tch she makes me out to be.

Underappreciation!!!!!

I think the hardest part for me is the unappreciation...I am not necessarily thinking from the kids or my husband..but from friends, his family or my family. I don't think people value me as a real parent figure to these children. I do my best, I take care of them, bath them, feed them, take them places, support their sports and activities, but am not seen as a valid parent figure. I am not dilusional...I know am not the BM, but I do play an active role in their lives and people just don't get it. It's like I am a permanent nanny or something. I can remember going to a sport event for my SD11 and when one of the moms found out I was "just a SM" she completely excluded me from discussion about the kids...because I wasn't a 'real mom'. (She made a comment letting me know..something about when I have kids I will understand) That hurt. But whatever, I know what I do...the kids hopefully appreciate it and I guess that's all you can do. It's the hardest role I have ever had to fill...the hardest.

for me the hardest part is not getting any respect from sd and trying to parent her the same as my two other boys. trying to be fair and H telling me that sd has a different set of rules and if she doesn't get her way, she won't come back. because I didn't listen to him and tried to make her have responsibilities in the house etc.. she hasn't been back so now H resents me. sd can be so minipulative!

For me personally it's a few things.

-having to deal with children and I dont have any of my own. I feel at odds dealing with children, how to handle their temper tantrums and such.

-dealing with BM and her idiot ways.

-dealing with MIL. If DH didn't have children, they I dont think he would be as involved with his mother as much.

-my SD is getting quite the attitude at 11. It's hard for me because I have zero tolerance.

-I want a child of my own, but I dont want skids to feel like they are on the back burner NOR do I want them to ruin the experience of having my first baby by being jealous.

being a mom or dad to any child that is not your biologically is always hard.

The only hard part about being a stepmom for me is dealing with my husband's ex-wife. My heart breaks every time they leave to go "visit" with their mother. I feel like I have to spend weeks getting the kids back to normal again after they spend time with their idiot mother.

Being a childless StepFather to a SS17 for over 7 years, there are just too many things that are hard to deal with, to just pick out one thing that is the hardest. Like a lot of the others on here, the disrespect, being unappreciated, being underappreciated, not feeling like a real family member in my own house, not being able to bond or have a relationship with SS17, not having any authority to really discipline, not getting anything for birthdays or Christmas yet I give without any acknowledgment. I guess I could go on and on. All those things are not 100% of the time but when it happens it's hard to deal with. I have learned to semi disengage which has helped a lot. Dealing with BF is not a problem, SS17 and BF don't get a long and SS17 decided to stay with DW/BM and myself. I have no contact with BF, DW/BM does all the communication. Because I told BF if he wanted to know anything to contact SS17's BM, I'm not a message boy.
One thing that really bothers me is how DW/BM will do everything for SS17 and I mean everything and how he disrespects her. That is when I have to step in and I really hate to bring the hammer down on SS17. Can't just reason with SS17 in a civilized way, I have to show him who the real boss is in the house. It makes me feel real bad when I have to do that. Nothing physical just reminding him that nobody disrespects my wife including SS17. But most of the time I let them both work it out until it reaches a certain level before I have to step in. SS17 is DW/BM's only child and it is hard to see her do everything for him and how unappreciated he is and DW will allow him to get away with it. A lot of the times I can see how it affects my DW and I feel helpless because I can't change it. SS17 means everything to my DW so I can't hate the kid with out affecting my relationship with my DW.

Always being the "bad guy"....always~ damned if u do damned if u dont! WTF