Double Standards
A couple of blogs got me thinking about double standards and when being a parent 24/7 only applies sometimes and not all.
One thread was about a BM wanting to trade visitation weekends with the bio dad so she could be on the same schedule as her DH's kids and have a kid free weekend every other weekend. It was pointed out to the OP that being a divorced parent isn't the same as having bios in an intact family, and BM's do deserve their kid free weekends.
The other thread, that to me was contradictory to the above, was the one about a pregnant SM that didn't want her SS with the flu to come for his weekend because she didn't want to get ill in her first trimester. And that's where everyone said you don't get to pick and choose when to be a parent, that's your DH's kid 24/7, blah blah blah.
So what is it, you're a parent 24/7, or you deserve a break because you're a divorced mom? Seems to me that only bio dads and SMs have the "your a parent 24/7" crap tossed in their faces. Kinda reminds me of when my DH's ex asked him to let my SD stay with us during the week (her custodial time) so she could go to Vegas, and got pissed when DH told her that was the week of my due date and if I ended up going into labor he wouldn't have anyone to watch s and take her to school, cheer leading, etc. she made some shitty remark about "I can't believe you can't take care of your own child" when she wanted to go party in Vegas for 5 days.
Just seems a little hypocritical to me. Anyone else?
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Comments
Yes, it is justified. I think
Yes, it is justified. I think the BM, if they have a working relationship with the ex, can at least ask if it's possible. I think to ask is perfectly reasonable and not sure why so many people think it isn't. If the ex says no, then deal with it, but if she says yes, what's the harm? I've known people who were super flexible with each other because they truly understood what it mean to co parent even though they weren't together anymore.
Please don't confuse asking with demanding, or expecting, as that's not the same thing,
No different than me asking my parents to look after the kiddies for a few days while I go on an adult only vacation--and that's not even a good excuse as an illness and trying to keep the kids from infecting other, immune compromised people.
Of course, I understand that not everyone has a decent relationship with the ex so they wouldn't even dream of asking in the first place.
I think that visitation
I think that visitation should be followed if its in writing. If both parents work together and there isn't issues that way, there should be room for changing schedules from time to time. If its in writing, that tells me that the adults weren't acting like adults and they got to stick to the visitations that's on paper.
The being pregnant and not wanting to get sick in the first trimester, Skids were there first and maybe the SM could stay with family elsewhere during the first trimester so the bio dad can fulfill his obligation as a parent as she avoids Skids/germs.
About the BM wanting to trade weekends so she can have a kid free weekend, I disagree with that. But I disagree that the DH gives the ex a yes or no before consulting his wife first.
Parents make it difficult IMO and much of this can be avoided if parents would act more responsible. If they don't want kids around, why did they have them? Ugh anyways.. :?
I think that if a kid has the
I think that if a kid has the flu and sm is preggo then no the kid can stay with mom til it is healthy. Its not fair to her or her unborn child to get sick or have to leave their own home to prevent from getting sick. Besides the kid would be better off his/her own bed and with mom as most kids want mom anyway. I have 2 kids of my own and 3 skids.
I can tell you that any time the skids were sick bm kept them for several reasons
1. so that dh doesn't get sick so he can work as she understands that if he is sick and can't work she may not get the full cs if he doesn't have it in his check.
2. the kids would rather not be moved from home to home while sick not cool for the kid.
3. the kids want their mom as dh would be at work anyway.
4. Its not about weather it is right or wrong according to paper but about the kids over all and the best for all kids even the unborn child is for a sick kid to stay where they are to not infect anyone else.
sheesh!
Yup, I was one of those SM's
Yup, I was one of those SM's that was a 24/7 mom. And resented the BM for it, and started resenting SO for it when SKs started showing their manipulative, spoiled, disrespectful, rude, true selves. I guess I brought it on myself, but I was naive. I wanted a true, blended family. I also felt sorry for his kids, because if BM wasn't pushing them off on us, she'd push them off on SOMEONE or leave them to fend for themselves. True, they were old enough to fend for themselves, but I don't think leaving teenagers home alone for the weekend is wise (think "Project X"). BM and her SO would run off to SO's love shack every weekend for alone time. The funny thing is, she tried the whole PAS thing when they first separated, and told him that she would not "force" the kids to go see him. So, he agreed that it would be their choice. Kind of backfired on her. Turned out her PAS didn't work, she was just trying to make them think they hated him and they were confiding in her those feelings (at least until I came into the picture...and still, they wanted to be here, even if they knew their daddy would be working all weekend...until I stood up to SD21, the evil ringleader), . I also had my three kids every weekend, which I didn't mind so much. I can't stand to be away from them for more than 24 hours, anyhow. But my ex works midnight shift, every other weekend, and is single now. We get along and communicate well, but he would usually keep the kids one night EOWE. The other night, he was on the prowl. lol. That's okay, he deserves happiness, too. And he sees his kids almost every day, if only for a few minutes. But I have held those SK's hair many times while they puked, and dear, concerned BM would call me to check on them from the love shack. Oh, even worse....SO and I DID manage to get ONE date day, hadn't had a "date" in probably 5 months, and SD21 begged to come along. He thought it would be nice for us to spend some alone time with her since we are normally surrounded by all the other kids. WTF? I could have choked them both. EVERYONE, stepparents, bioparents, needs time to nurture their relationships, heck, even to nurture ourselves. It does take team work, and BM makes me thank God for my ex-husband every day (as a dad, and an ex, don't get me wrong...lol).
I would not be happy if
I would not be happy if (well, if the ex and I had the whole EOWE visitation in place), my ex hired a babysitter for my kids on his weekend. I'd rather them stay with my. But I may be a little strange.
I didn't read the other
I didn't read the other responses for the other threads but this issue is actually one that I had an argument with BM about.
BM - Has 3 bio sons, yet she still gets EOWE for herself
BM's BF - He has 2 sons, yet he still gets EOWE for himself
My FDH - Has 3 bio sons, only gets EOWE free if BM feels like having the SS that lives with us but this hasn't happened since November last year.
ME - Childless woman yet I have at least 1 skid if not all 3 skids 7 fucken days of the week, why? because these people who choose to have these children decided to only be a parent when it suits them.
I guess it depends on the
I guess it depends on the situation and people involved.
It's always good for the kids when mom and dad can co parent and make exceptions to the schedule when necessary. But when one parent is a nightmare, the co should be followed to a t.
I have the sd16 full time minus EOW. If BMs parents can't make a visit she stays here.
If I were a cp bm, and I needed a break, but dad couldn't take the kids, I'd get a sitter or off to grandmas/grandpas they go.
However, this makes me think...in intact families, when mom has another baby, don't the parents make plans for the older kids? So why can't dad & sm/bm & sf do that too if the baby is born on their custody time of sks?
I don't know about everyone
I don't know about everyone else, but in my DH's parenting plan, if the kids are going to be with someone else for more than 4 hrs, BM has the first right of refusal. Therefore, if something comes up on our time, and the kids can't go, we can't go. As for the child being sick, this is about the only thing BM is logical about. My DS3 lives here 24/7 (his sperm donor disappeared prior to my son's 1st bday). When my son is sick with something contagious on one of our days, we let her know. She can make the decision to send the kids or not. She usually chooses not to. She lets us know when one of the kids is sick so that one can stay home. We still get the others. Only once has she sent a child here that was contagious (she had plans w/ the boyfriend of the month). DH did a good job of explaining that there was no sense in contaminating two houses. Also, I agree with other comments that kids would rather stay home than be bounced around while sick. I have no problem taking care of a sick kid, but not when my child (who has a horrible immune system) will be sick for two weeks as a result. I also don't want to get the skids sick if my son is sick. No reason for all four kids to be miserable!
What about vomiting and
What about vomiting and diarrhoea? My ss10 has been sent for weekend visitation with both (at the same time) OH of course took his son, why wouldn't he, that's his kid he wants to take care of him.
Downside? My dd7 has an autoimmune disorder and is immunocompromised. She takes meds which supress her immune system, so if she comes into contact with contagious illness she WILL get them and get them 10x worse than the carrier.
OH KNOWS this, but still insists on playing passive aggressive games and sayhing "oh, he wasn't sick on the way here, it's just started."
The kid was green when he walked in the door, and vomited within minutes.
Yes, I understand all the "responsibility" arguments, and the what if it's someone who lives in the house FULL time garbage. We have strict quarantine rules in place for those occasions, but to my mind if the kid is that sick he should be in his OWN bed with his OWN mother taking care of him, it's not fair on HIM or the rest of us to drag him to our house where he's not as comfortable, mum's not there (and ALL kids want their mum's when they are sick!)
1. It might not be
1. It might not be debilitating for YOUR child, it IS to mine. Weeks and weeks in hospital EVERY YEAR.
SO NO - the child should NOT have been brought into MY home when he was vomiting etc.
I know when ANY of my 4 bd's have been that ill they want to stay in their homes and in their beds and they want their mums. Yes, dad is just as capable of taking care of them, it is his right and responsibility yadda yadda yadda.
But at the end of the day this isn't even about MUM's rights to her time out from the kids, or DAD's rights to have his kids in his home on his time
It's about what is BEST for the child. And when a child is sick they want to be where they feel most comfortable, and when they are spurting from all orifices they should really not be travelling around. MUM needed to step up and say "you are not well enough really, best to stay here"
DAD needed to step up and say "I will take you when you are better"
It's not about the parents it's about what's right for the bloody kids. And that means ALL the kids - the unborn ones, the other ones in either house, and the sick ones.
MY SS spent the weekend crapping and spewing everywhere, crying for his mother, and wanting to go home.
HE sees the place where he lives with his mother 24 days of the month as his HOME, it's where the majority of his stuff is, where his mother is (and I am sorry but in my vast experience children DO associate nurturing and caring with the parent who has been the primary caregiver since they were babies) Yes, fathers are capable of it too, but when sick they revert back to just wanting the person that gives them the most comfort on a basic limbic level - and that is usually mum.
In our case all three kids
In our case all three kids (SDs and BS) have medical issues. SD7 has a genetic retinal disorder, she get's pink eye incredibly easy, she also a quick catcher of colds, she is the healthiest of the bunch. SD5 had open-heart surgery as an infant and it has left her immuno-compromised and delayed in a few aspects, she get's sick very easily, vomitting and diarrhea and high fevers and dehydration are commonplace with her. If we took her to an ER every time she had a fever and was puking, we'd be at the hospital 2x a month during the school year. She does go in when we can't keep her hydrated for fluids and is sent back home a few hours later. We always let BM2 know if SD7 seems even a little sick, because it might be a cough and some gas for SD7, but a three day puke fest for SD5. BS4 has an EGID, Reflux, and Asthma which leave him immuno-compromised, and as my home is his ONLY home if anyone has a hard chest cold with a fever or is puking, they do not come here and get BS sick.
Regular colds are fine, if SD5 is puking it's sometimes ignored, because she really just has a terrible stomach, so if she has no fever she comes over anyway if she wants to. If SD7 is puking she stays home, because she doesn't puke unless she is SICK. If BS is puking, even with a mild fever, generally it doesn't stop anyone, he's usually sick because of his illness, and not from some tummy-bug.
So it really is something we have to work out in our household. Some kids get very sick, very easily, and very often. But because of the frequency, nobody rushes to a doctor, just to the hallway medicine closet (I think most people have linen closets) for the desired devices/medicines. We break out the action plans and wait it out to see if we need to go to the hospital.