I just needed an outlet today .....
I am frustrated.
I understand that when I married my husband, I knew he had kids, by 2 different BMs, none-the-less. I knew that would entail unique family situations and I went into this relationship quite aware. It is not easy – I didn’t think it would be. It is not easy to be involved in a blended family situation. It is hard. I find that I am not always considered a valuable member of this family by outsiders and sometimes the kids. I am not these girls’ mom. I get that totally. I do not try to be their mom, but I do try to provide support and be a good adult role model for them. I try to support my husband the best I can in raising them. He is very supportive of me in this situation. He is a fantastic husband. He is a very good father. But even he, doesn’t fully get it. He doesn’t get that I don’t feel the same way about these children as he does. He doesn’t get that I get so frustrated at the way in which I am treated at times. He doesn’t get that I am tired. He doesn’t get that outsiders can be very rude and not very understanding to how it feels to be a stepparent. His persepective is to ignore it…who cares. Maybe I am sensitive….but the longer I am a stepmom, the more I am pissed off at the general treatment of stepparents. I find that anytime I have a problem (a normal I am so frustrated moment) people want to throw this in my face: “You knew he had kids, you knew that before you got married…” Like that doesn’t give me any room to complain – I should just shut the F up and take what I am handed. I hear bio moms complainig about similar things and nobody says a damn thing about knowing what you were doing when you had that kid. It’s frustrating.
In addition, I do not have any kids of my own. We have been trying, but haven’t had success. It is hard being a stepparent without a child of your own. I also find people can be downright rude. They will say things like: “Well, you don’t need more kids, you have SK1 and 2…” I get that they are trying to be understanding, but it more often just pisses me off. We are looking at houses to buy and we would like a 4 bedroom home (1 for us, 1 for SD1, 1 for SD2 and one for a possible baby or extra bedroom) and people are like: “what in the world do you need so many rooms for?” I want to scream: HEY I am trying to have a baby………..life is not just me and his kids. I don’t even know why that bothers me, but it does. I think that it is just another way people downplay my needs. I feel like outsiders forget I am a person, and I have things I want and need too.
This blog has no point. I just wanted to sound off without doing it at home. I hope all of you are having a better day than I am right now 
- jlot's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
# 1 - It is hard being a
# 1 - It is hard being a stepparent.
# 2 - I *really* hate the "You knew when you got married...." and also get this comment.
# 3 - I also *really* hate the concept you don't need children of your own because you have skids. Where on earth do people come up with this?!
# 4 - Since when is a four bedroom house "so many rooms" ?? It doesn't sound unreasonable to me REGARDLESS of how many children live in your home, if any at all.
I love this...lists speak to
I love this...lists speak to me! Amen to this list!
You are sooo right about the
You are sooo right about the fact that as stepparents, it seems like we aren't given the opportunity to vent to just anyone about raising kids, or about our unique situations. They all see it as "You knew what you were getting in to" or "You'll just have to deal with it because it's how it's going to be for many years!"
Then we vent to our fellow stepparents in person and we seem like we just joined the Evil Club to any outsiders or BM's or BF's.
Hence the need for a place like StepTalk
-- so we can vent in a neutral territory with like-minded individuals and not feel like we have to censor what we say.
Don't you just want to say:
Don't you just want to say: "HEY stop bitching about your MIL...you knew she was crazy before you married your husband, but you did it anyway...'
It's kind of the same perspecitve though.
And I too love this site to just get these things off my chest to people who get it.
I can totally understand your
I can totally understand your frustration. I too am married to a man with 2 BM's. One is pretty much out of the picture and doesn't cause many problems, but the other is a Gi-normous pain in the ass. He has no set custody or visitation with either Skid so they basically visit whenever they want or whenever BM needs a sitter so I really never know when we will have one Skid, both skids, no skids. (UGH!) It seems like when one doesn't have a hand out for something, then the other one does... it's always something! We debated about having a child together, my hubby was a little hesitant just because he already has two but I was just like you, why should I have to accept your kids and your past as mine and not want a child of my own? And I too HATE that stupid comment "Well you knew what you were getting into" Obviously I must accept and include his past, but why should my future with DH soley revolve around his past??
DH and I did have a baby, our son is 10 months old now and so far, things have gone much better than I expected. Both Skids are fine with the baby (there seems to be no jealousy). I think one of the things I realized is that when you are doing things for Skids it almost seems forced, like you have to because that what society says you should do. So you should pick up kids from school, make dinner, help with homework, put on a happy face and be the June Cleaver of step moms. But when you have your own child, you WANT to do those things for your child, the day to day stuff isn't so forced and I think you feel more appeciated.
It's a tough road, one I never forsaw for myself, but my DH is a wonderful man and he makes the road a little smoother. It sounds like you have a good DH so cling to that and try not to sweat the small stuff, but when you do, come here and vent!
I am so glad that you have a
I am so glad that you have a little one..that's wonderful and it is good to hear it was a good transition for your skids. That gives me hope!
p.s. I love your quote, I may
p.s. I love your quote, I may just put that on my FB page! hehe
I am definitely with you on
I am definitely with you on this one. I actually have 3 BM's to contend with (2 on a pretty regular basis). It is certainly no picnic because it seems that the battle is neverending. Fortunately for us, SS20's BM is not very involved with anything pertaining to his involvment with us...i think her pot and crackpipe have a pretty good hold on her and SS20 wants nothing to do with it (THANK GOD!!). But SD15's BM wants life handed to her on a silver platter. SS8's BM is a little more realistic but she just tries to be June Cleaver and has absolutely no planning or timing schedule to do that. My DH and I were blessed with a daughter, now 2, and DH was all about it, because he wanted me to have a child. In fact, we're actually talking about having another one. I understand your desire to have your own child and your DH really should support you in that if it's something that you both want. I hear stress has a lot to do with being able to conceive, so relax, get on track with your ovulation schedule, and when the time is right, you and DH have a romantic evening and go from there.
It is frustrating because society does not want a place for failure. I think that is why stepparents are so looked down upon. We are the result of a "failure". What was supposed to be perfection and happily ever after turned into ugly grueling back and forth divorce and custody agreements and support (in most cases). It's no wonder there is a stigma on us, but thank goodness we have a place to vent our frustrations to folks who truly have walked in our shoes. We may not have exactly the same situations, but the topics and the kids and the BMs are relative to what we go through. Hang in there.
Thanks for your kind words! I
Thanks for your kind words! I really never thought about the failure aspect and how society might view stepparents...good call on that one, you might be on to something there.