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jessimom's picture

Submitted by jessimom on Sun, 01/31/2010 - 7:12pm

Hello everyone,

Highest regards to all the step parents out there. This is one of the most difficult jobs in my book.

Ok, new to this so bare with me. Need to vent and figured this is the best place to...with like minded people.( I hope I'm welcomed)

I have two wonderful bonus boys,soon to be 16 and 13. It's their BM that is the problem. She is very unstable, has two other children, young, under 4yrs. Currently, she moved to Alabama with the boyfriend. Up til then the boys were already living with us and visiting her every other weekend. Now they are with us all the time. Btw, we're in Ohio. She has been gone now for two months and calls our house every single day. She didn't even talk to them this much when she lived just on the other side of town! I get the fact that she is probably feeling the guilt, but this is putting a damper on our family life. We have been a blended family for 8 years now, and the one thing we pride ourselves on, is the fact we provide a stable family life regardless of outside sources. Well, to the best of our ability. Their mother has always been unstable, jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend(live in). Making decisions that were never in the best interest of her kids. Hence why we have custody. Here's the prob.....why is it with being a stepmother, am I'm required to do everything a mother does ( no complaints, I love being their "mother".)but get none of the respect, bonding, appreciation, that their BM does. We are 100% financialy responsible, receiving no child support. So like any parent, I get hit with the "I need, I want"...also come the attitudes and so on....but her every night phone calls, she's the saint and sounding board about whatever is going on in their lives. I don't find it fair!

In case you are wondering, what their BF thinks...well he let it go because she is gone and we don't have to deal with her . That I stress myself out too much.

There is a whole book to wrote about the "adventures", lack of a better word, of this woman.

Thank you for letting me go on..have a good one...Good luck to you all

Comments

Most Evil's picture

Submitted by Most Evil on Sun, 01/31/2010 - 7:41pm

I am glad you wrote. It is so hard but it does sound like you do well by these kids. I do see what your Dh is saying, at least she is trying, I hope, to do what she can for her kids by supporting them emotionally. So that is one more person helping you, in one aspect anyway.

I hope you will find them showing appreciation to you one day . . . maybe DH needs to remind them to be good to you? but we know that teens are notorious for being self-centered and hormone driven - so it may take a while! But hang in there . . . HUGS
_________________________________________________________
“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham

soverysad's picture

Submitted by soverysad on Mon, 02/01/2010 - 8:04am

Welcome aboard. I wish I had some sage advice, but alas, I am dealing with the same resentment. As a SM we get all the shit parts of parenting and none of the good stuff and when there is a BM (Wingnut in my case) "involved" only to make the kids feel good, they get all the good stuff and none of the shit stuff.

You aren't alone.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

bioandstep2009's picture

Submitted by bioandstep2009 on Mon, 02/01/2010 - 8:17am

Welcome to the board. I wish I could give you some advice on this but it's part of being a stepmom unfortunately. You give give give, and get little in return. Some can say the same of parenting in general. The shrink told me, when I tried to understand why SS10 thinks BM is so great when everyone else sees her for the loser that she is, that kids always put the absentee parent up on a pedestal even if that parent is a drug addict, alcoholic or whatever. The kid needs to feel good about himself so he he elevates that parent to sainthood because if he admitted that the parent was a loser (parent being part of him), it would bring down HIS self esteem. All I can say is keep your expectations low and know that one day, when these children are adults with maybe kids of their own, they will thank you for all that you've done. I don't expect SS10 to be all warm and fuzzy about me, but my goal is help him to become a responsible and productive member of society.

jessimom's picture

Submitted by jessimom on Tue, 02/02/2010 - 7:18am

A thank you to all of you. Each of you have very good points. I hope that one day something will "click". When the BM is here and the boys have to stay with her for a visit, all we get are complaints about having to go. Then when she's gone and she's just calling, everything she says is "gospel". It is so frustrating. I get alot of " well my mom says....or my mom will pay...etc." knowing that she doesn't pay or it may not fit into what we are doing. I try to factor in their age, also. But it is so hard to be faced with it everyday, complaints that I am not doing something right. If I bought the clothes, something has to b wrong with them. Dinner....something has to be wrong with it( cooked too much, cooked not enough..)don't like this, don't like that... you get the picture.
The only thing I have learned is just not respond because, if I continue to do the right thing, it only benefits them in the end. They need this stability.

One last thing: When did it become ok to pick and choose when to be a parent. Only being one when it fits into "your" schedule. Last I checked, parenting is a full 24/7 ..365 days till the I die