You are here

Why do I have to be excited about YOUR kids?

jessicarose's picture

Submitted by jessicarose on Sun, 04/19/2015 - 8:12pm

I'm two years deep into a long-distance relationship with the man of my dreams. I would describe him as perfect in every respect except two, his daughters (8 and 4 yrs). They're very needy and crave attention all the time. The youngest especially has to be the center of attention constantly and is bratty as hell. I'd characterize their biological mom as a deadbeat, but I feel like that term is too generous.

I was informed yesterday that I am "mean" because I don't want to have a FaceTime conversation with the youngest. He said it "hurt him" that I'm not excited about talking to his kids... WTF!? Did I miss something? Why would I want to talk to YOUR kids? It's not my fault their egg-donor is too busy living her life 2,000 miles away to pick up a phone more than once a month. So I'm supposed to just magically grow some feigned attachment to your spawn, why exactly? To make them feel better about being abandoned? No offense, but I'm sure that's not the answer.

I know I'm a woman, but I don't have that natural spidey-motherhood-sense that you want me to have. I'd sooner suck-start a pistol than talk to your kids for any part of the one-hour that we actually see each other a day. Guess that makes the worst person in the history of the world.

Comments

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sun, 04/19/2015 - 8:22pm

Clearly he wants a woman who is willing to embrace his kids. If that isn't want you want to do, tell and move on.

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Sun, 04/19/2015 - 8:36pm

I had a long distance relationship with my husband for almost 2 years before moving to be with him. At the start SD was about 4 years old. Although she didn't irritate me quite as much as your partners kids seem to irritate you, I did not have instant love for her, and nor was I expected to. It took time for that to grow and my husband allowed me the time and space and never demanded that I loved his kid. The feelings only started after I had been living with them for a good few months and even now, the love doesn't feel like the kind of unconditional love that I feel for family members as some days when she is being a pain or when I am resenting her mother for some reason I can feel some levels of hatred and resentment towards her. I am not saying that you have to end up loving his kids, but if you expect to one day live in the same house as him and they will be there, your home life will be a lot more comfortable (and ultimately your relationship more successful) if you can at least get along with them and like them most of the time.

Feelings and connections towards others cannot be forced, you do however have to be open to letting them grow. If you don't feel open to letting yourself have positive feelings towards his kids or if you are being pressured into instantaneously fostering love for them then moving your relationship beyond long distance is probably not the right move for you right now.

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Sun, 04/19/2015 - 8:47pm

If he's that concerned you don't want to facetime with his kid. He's not looking for love, he's looking for help.

Strengthh's picture

Submitted by Strengthh on Mon, 04/20/2015 - 12:15am

True. I have an 11 year old daughter. She and her friends Skype and face time each other endlessly. I keep it brief, and when absolutely necessary . I can't imagine how deluded any parent must be to think skyping children is enjoyable,

Indigo's picture

Submitted by Indigo on Mon, 04/20/2015 - 12:33am

It doesn't sound as if he is the guy for you in the long run.

Those spermazoids have left the box and will be around demanding attention and a huge amount of $$ for the next 10 - 15 years. Unless you speak to some on the Adult Stepchild Forum and they hang around into their 50's, so add another 40 years and maybe some step-grandkids to the mix.

There are some on this board who are anti-Skid, with good reason. Most entered it with benevolent, hopeful feelings and their reality of BM/DH/SM/BIO & SKID dynamics eroded their faith.

You are unencumbered. You are free. You are on the outside, fussing about the inside already. You want to separate/disengage now? BF may want you to step into the mother/beloved woman role, but if you are feeling this resistant, this early? For your sake, for your BF's sake and for the sake of those youngsters, I'd reconsider the deal. Honor that part of yourself that is resistant. It is telling you something.

It will get more and more challenging.

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Mon, 04/20/2015 - 7:35am

I agree that it sounds like the man is looking for a replacement mother. My father was always looking for a replacement of my mother after she died (she took complete care of him) and every time he met a woman, he would force me to talk on the phone to them. Your post reminds me of my father.

I don't know how anyone could rationally expect anyone to love their children the way they do. DH has commented many times that if anything happened to me, the children would seriously miss out because nobody will love them the way I do. He also never expected me to even like his daughter. At one point he tried to get me to email SD when she went off to college, but at that point SD had acted out too much for me to desire any kind of closeness with her. Thankfully he didn't push it.