find resources in your community to have handy -- specifically, are there any centers that are geared towards grieving children?

When my first DH passed, my kids were ages 5 and 3. The 5-year old (who has always been an 'old soul') could verbalize what was going on, whether or not she truly understood it. The three year old had no clue -- only knew that his dad went away and never came back.

I got them both hooked up with a center for grieving children, who specialized in kids of all ages. It did wonders for both of them. To this day (11 years later) they still go back to talk to kids who are going thru the process now.

Call your local hospice, or contact a social worker at your local hospital - they would probably be able to point you towards some resources like that; they will also be able to suggest some coping mechanisms if the kids aren't ready to make the step towards going to a "place" and could recommend other types of resources.

And I agree with the previous poster about structure, etc. A few things I told my kids: We will form a NEW NORMAL because things will never be the same again; however that doesn't mean things won't be happy again. Likewise, they could grieve and we would have our "moments" but never once would I allow them to use the death of their father as an excuse for bad behavior.

I also think that taking them to a place where they were around other kids who had lost loved ones (parents, grandparents, siblings, etc) let them see for themselves that they were not alone in the journey -- and they too would still find joy in life even though a part of them would be missing. Some of the bigger milestones are yet to come -- proms, graduations, weddings, etc -- but we've gotten thru the ones so far and we've done OK. Of course, the first year is sometimes the most difficult (first holidays, first birthday, etc etc) but reassure them that they'll be OK. I won't say "better" because I know my kids still miss their dad, especially at those "milestone moments" -- but it'll hurt less.

Good luck - it's a difficult situation for a parent to be in, not to mention a stepparent.