Sometimes I wonder...
Sometimes I wonder if BM and the inlaws legitimately believe SD is this sweet, perfect little angel - or if they know the truth and are just pissed that DH and I aren't going along with the front and pretending she's The Greatest Child Who Ever Lived...
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They are likely in denial.
They are likely in denial. But they also hate your DH so they can use that dynamic to justify their actions. I wouldn't think twice about their toxic family dynamics.
I shouldn't waste time
I shouldn't waste time thinking about it...but I have wondered that for a long time because they (especially MIL) seem a little overdefensive sometimes. Like once I reminded SD (extremely gently) that she needed to keep her voice down because the baby was sleeping and MIL practically had a panic attack over it, freaking out that it was FILs fault for getting her riled up, etc.
Seeing how she talks to BM and GBM - the swearing at and hanging up on them etc - made me wonder again. BM can't really think thats normal?
If I recall correctly,
If I recall correctly, you said that MIL lost custody of one of her children. She is probably overdefensive of SD because her lack of parenting/authority power is a major insecurity for her. Watching you or DH set boundaries and try to parent probably makes MIL feel out of control, like she did when she lost custody of her other child. She may think of SD as an extension or "do over" of the child she lost, hence the crazy overbearing behavior and clear enmeshment.
BM may think it's normal, depending on her upbringing. If she was raised in a similar environment, she may not notice the toxicity. You likely had a healthy upbringing and you have healthy boundaries, so you see the craziness.
Correct, she didn't have
Correct, she didn't have custody of her oldest. Im not 100% if she actually lost it or gave it up. She claims it was only because her ex had more money, which I don't buy. DH and I have actually both tossed around that theory before also- that it's to make up for the past with her oldest. She shouldn't feel bad though- living with her dad was apparently better for normal SIL. It's kind of strange that she doesn't favor normal SILs daughter though because she's a carbon copy of her mom and was the very first grandchild. They do live far away though.
I would imagine if this all is the case that losing the relationship with DH now would be triggering also. Normal SIL calls once a month but doesn't visit her, all that's left for her relationships with her kids is psycho SIL.
I find that in every family,
I find that in every family, there is always a golden child, a lost child, and a scapegoat. You can look it up in family roles theory. It is common amongst dysfunctional families and generally, one parent has some form of personality disorder, either BPD or NPD.
In your DH's family, crazy SIL was (and still is) the golden child. Can do no wrong, miss perfect, and always MIL's favorite. She is MIL's favorite because MIL sees everything she loves about herself in crazy SIL. Normal SIL is the lost child (literally and figuratively). She kept a low profile to avoid family disfunction and essentially "disappeared." She is the one that was and still is ignored and goes about her life with little influence from the family unit. It makes sense that her children are ignored, since they are lost [grand]children by proxy. MIL likely knows she cannot influence these grandchildren and writes them off as a lost cause for MIL's narc supply. And finally, your DH. He is the scapegoat. He is the "bad one," singled out of the mix, deprived of love and approval and blamed for all of the family issues. Scapegoats tend to see through the family toxicity and point out flaws in the family unit. MIL will never be triggered by DH's lack of relationship because he is the scapegoat and by ridding herself of DH, MIL is ridding herself of all the "family problems." It allows her to continue to deny the family issues and continue to blame DH for everything. For example, your DH forwarding SD's text last week led to drama - DH pointed out a clear issue in the family unit/dynamic, MIL worked overtime to cover it up, deny the issue, and redirect the blame back to DH.
You will also find that golden children tend to be the "failure to launch" types that always need Mommy's assistance and bailing out due to a childhood of constant coddling, where lost children and scapegoats tend to learn to be self-sufficient outside of the family unit because they were blamed, ignored, and neglected during childhood.
MIL likely treats SD as the golden grandchild because SD is a product of a failed first family and is an easy target to serve as MIL's narc supply. Plus, since SD is so much like crazy SIL, MIL likely sees traits in SD that remind her of herself. But also, SD is a "failure to launch" type due to her broken upbringing that need MIL's saving. SD is easy to control, easy to manipulate, and gives MIL the love and adoration she so desperately seeks.
This seems pretty accurate. I
This seems pretty accurate. I actually thought at one point that DH was the favorite, but now it seems more like he was just useful at the time (being man of the house for her while FIL was over the road trucking) and she mainly sees him as a means to get to SD. Big picture though, psycho SIL sure seems to be spoiled and entitled. I don't think any of them like that DH is more successful than any of them since they all feel that they're better than him (same goes for BM). MIL has made it plenty clear that she doesn't care a single iota about DHs feelings. Won't even acknowledge them. FIL has, but he's too big of a wimp to do anything about it.
I think at some point MIL might be in for a huge shock when it comes to SD, because while she's great at *ss kissing, she can also be really nasty and doesn't discriminate. It's back and forth between the 2 extremes and there's not really any exceptions. I've seen her be rude to MIL a couple times, but I'm sure it will be more extreme as she's getting older.
This is either going to play
This is either going to play out one of two ways: SD will either become her own little narc nightmare that MIL will grow to hate OR SD will be a mini narc MIL and MIL will always favor her and because she is a mini MIL.
It'll be interesting to see -
It'll be interesting to see - I'm leaning towards the first one because BM is pretty into having an alternative lifestyle and SD thinks that's really cool - right now SD had half her head shaved and her hair dyed blue which is not something MIL approves of. BUT SIL is like that too (which is why SD thinks she's cool) and MIL doesn't like it but looks the other way. So who knows.
My theory for you, based off
My theory for you, based off my own in-law experience, is "birds of a feather flock together".
Your MIL, SIL, and BM sound like they're the same kind of people, and they started raising SD to be "one of them". Then, when your DH tried to not raise her like them, they lost their marbles and tried even harder. Him raising her differently wasn't just "parental preference" (or straight-up parenting given how SD acts) in their eyes. No, it was a direct attack on who they are as people. He didn't like how SD behaved, therefore he did not like them.
So, they double-downed on SD. Now they're reaping what they sew. Very sad indeed...
Just be warned: when SD becomes too much to handle, or BM decides she wants a different life, a broken SD will be dropped at your door. Living through that right now, though I thank my lucky stars/God/the universe that YSS wants to be better than he was set up for. For whatever reason, these women want to cripple their children/grandchildren/nieces and nephews.
Yes I can see all that being
Yes I can see all that being true as well. DH has said many times that SD reminds him alot of SIL. Which isn't a compliment. I definitely think it hurts BMs ego especially that mini her isn't worshipped by us.
As far as her being dropped off on our doorstep. BM already tried to leave SD with DH completely when she was 4, but backed out when she found out that DH was going to file for custody and support as soon as she moved. After that she went to exactly 50/50, not an hour more or less. Now I feel like she's been baiting DH to fight her and demand to have SD more.
Your in-laws are crippling SD
Your in-laws are crippling SD because they view her as a victim of her parents divorce. So they over compensate and get upset with you and DH because you don't do the same.
Maybe. They don't do that
Maybe. They don't do that with SILs kids - who's parents were divorced a couple years ago. DH and BM weren't ever married and tried to be together for a couple years, but split up when she was 2 so it's not like even remembers them together. So if they are viewing her that way it's awfully dumb, this is all she knows.
Usually one of these types
will select a special turd then get out the industrial strength turd polish.
Even the industrial strength
Even the industrial strength doesn't seem to be enough in this case *lol*