You will not be able to develop your own relationship with this girl unless you make an effort. So do something with her, one on one. Take her to a craft lesson at a local craft store. Or buy the crap for you and her to do something together.

Sure she is a brat. She is missing something, she doesn't know what it is, her father thinks she needs a mother but what she REALLY needs is a role model and someone female to look up to.You may never feel like her mother but your MAY feel like a loved aunt or a confidante as she gets older.

Make it a mission to stop the whining. Talk to her alone and tell her that this living togethr thing is difficult for you as well because you have only had a boy around. You nmay be her saving grace. You may become the only female she can trust and rely on without being her 'mother'.

I am not a mother to my s/sons. They have a mother. however I am someone who they can confide in and trust and discuss their ideas with. Which is better than being their mother. They are more open with me and I know much more than I would as their 'mother' figure.

I've been there. Trust me, it's never easy being married to someone that already has kids and love is something that takes time.

The thing you eventually have to admit to yourself, even if not to your husband, is that biologically, you have no ties to his kid. You don't have that instant motherly feeling there because there isn't one.

All you can do is what you wanted to - give things time and let them develop into what they develop.

I read somewhere that the total amount of time it takes for a mixed family to blend well is about 7 years. Don't take it too hard on yourself and try to make your husband understand that you cant rush this.

I would recommend you buy the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin. I would also have your DH read it. In the book Dr. Martin spends a lot of time discussing the forcing of step-relationships and how that is ultimately detrimental to the relationship between the step-parent and the kid and between the partners.

I think your DH is wrong to try to force a relationship and such behavior has the potential to ruin relationship all over (your and DH's, You and SD, DH and your BS). For instance would you expect your DH to love your parents the say way you do? Of course not, but over time he might develop a close relationship with his in-laws based on mutual interests, respect, and possibly love. But there is no way the relationship can be instant. And it might not happen at all ever. How many people in non-step environments don't like or have a relationship with in-laws? How many might not like their own siblings or parents? Relationships are complicated even if they grow organically. The only sure way to screw one up is for someone to try to force someone else into having a relationship.

In the early days, I spent a lot of time trying to "win over" my SD now 17. I didn't want to replace BM, but thought favorite "auntie" status might be good. I too bought her stuff. I tried to involve her in activities that we could do together or as a family. We don't have any kind of relationship after 7 years. Granted we had EOW instead of full custody. After some big issues and drama, I decided I was going to disengage and there is no relationship between me and SD17.

So you can even try, try, try and you might not develop a relationship with your SD. There are only two people that can decide if you and SD will bond. And that is you and SD. Your DH really doesn't have any control over the bond and all he can do it make it worse.

I think if I were do start all over again, I would be neutral with my SD. I wouldn't try to win her over or ignore her. I would treat her like a skittish animal and be slow, methodical and measured in my actions and responses. I wouldn't but up with bad behavior or disrespect, but I wouldn't force anything beyond that.

I really recommend the book and I'm sure others will suggest it as well.

Previous post from justastepdad about 7 years for step family to bond can be found in Ron Deal's book(The Smart Step-Family). No this is not an advertisement. I did buy the book and found it to be somewhat helpful. Yes, even under best circumstances, it may take 4-5 years. He paints a picture of blending a family as everyone being thrown into a blender and whipped into this liquid form. Someone usually gets creamed in the process. He suggest the crock pot method. Add a little heat for a slow cooking process and let everyone gel overtime. The time it takes for a step-family to gel depends on so many variables. Although some of us share similar stories, to me, every step-family is as unique as a fingerprint. The time for a family to come together, or not at all, depends on ages of all involved, personalities.... the list goes on and on. It's never easy to anticipate what will happen when you throw everyone into the mix. Take your time to develop the relationship and hopefully your H will see that it can't be forced.

I guess I'm wondering what exactly it is your hubby wants you to do? His daughter lives with you 5 days a week so I am assuming she is included in your daily activities which means that you cook for her, watch TV with her, interact with her etc... You also say that she inserts herself everywhere all the time, so what is the big deal if you leave on occasion? I think it is perfectly normal for you to not want a whiney 9 year old crammed up your @ss 24 hours a day.

You hubby is just delaying your bonding with his daughter by trying to ram it down your throat with his expectations and timelines... everyone is different and you and SD need to work your relationship out in your own way/time.

Don't beat yourself up. It takes years to blend a family cohesively and some never do. You need to kind of look at the relationship like an "aunt". Do a few fun things with her by yourself. If you give it a little bit of time and don't try and parent her, you may have some type of relationship. That said, if she is disrespectful and feels like you are being used. Disengage and let your DH be the dad. You can't force someone to love another child.

I was in the same boat you are. I had my own son and our relatioship was great. We were alone for 8 years (1st husband died)so we had our own routines. Moved into DH's house. Tried to be a good stepmom. Almost a year and a half later and SD14 is living with her mom. I hate to say it, but the peace and quiet here is great. SS12 is easy to care for. I did the manicures and shopping and got totally burned. She was only nice when it was convenient for her. She lied to her mom about me and disrespected me. Her therapist even told her I was only doing what mom's do and to get over it.

My husband really wanted us to bond. Didn't happen and it probably never will now. My issue these days is how long do we keep her room like she left it? Good luck and go slow.