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suspicion

iwish iwas jen's picture

I just made my husband really mad. He has been acting strange lately, like he is hiding something. Last nite I went to use his phone to get on the internet and he changed his password.I tried to stay calm and decided to talk to him about it. He said he occassionally changes his password and I said OK I must have been imagining things, he got defensive, I said everything is OK, but guess what???? He didn't offer up his new password. WTF that just made things worse. He has been spending a lot of time on his phone, when i ask what is he doing he just says checking headline, news, sports, etc.

It's hard enough being a step parent and now I am suspicious as hell. If this scenario happened to you what would you do? My mind mite just be messing with me

Comments

CalgonTakeMeAway's picture

My DH spends a lot of time on his phone, mostly checking the weather. He's a weather freak. He also reads the news on his phone. That wouldn't seem odd in my situation. I wouldn't think it was strange about a password change, but I'm not suspicious of any of his behavior. I can see how you might be worried.

How is your DH acting strange? What is he doing? Did you ask him for the new password? Maybe he didn't offer it because he was upset that you were questioning him. Getting defensive can be a red flag, though.

If it were me, I would just be totally honest with my DH. I'm pretty straight forward, confront things head on. Maybe you can ask him if something has been bothering him, you've noticed he seems troubled. Tell him it's making you feel insecure and see what he does. Do it calmly, though, not confrontational or accusatory at all, or he'll immediately get defensive.

Like I said, I confront things head on. I don't know if that works in your relationship. Keep us updated!

No Idea's picture

I agree with CalgonTakeMeAway - ask nicely without accusing.... it could be something completely honest.
I changed my password on my phone the other day becuase I have been having trouble becoming a SM to be and have been bitching/whinging to my mother about it and the SD. I changed it so he wouldn't go in adn see that. Not because I was messaging other men or anything. But he did realise and also got annoyed.
Part of me wanted it changed becuase it is my only privacy (when you live together you don't get a lot of privacy). But I didn't want him to feel self conscious so I changed it back.

If you go onto his online account - or start going through his phone you will find something. It could be something totally fine that you read the wrong way or assume more details simply because you don't know the story/background.
You should be able to talk openly and honestly. Are you generally a needy or jealous type? Sometimes if you are quite self conscious and a person has to put in a lot of effort to make you feel secure and constantly have to explain themselves they can get frustrated with it and give up.

herewegoagain's picture

Yes. But it was my DH texting his loser sister who wants us broken up. Always the same crap. I suspected before, but proved that they know our problems because DH "confided" in her and thus "she ran with it and used it to do more harm." I broke his phone. Simple. Have never had any other issues. Our relationship for the last 5mos or so has done a 180...not a 360. He now sees how him confiding in idiots that want nothing more than to see us apart, drained our marriage.

stepfamilyfriend's picture

While I believe that is scary and you want to know what is going on, I recommend against spying and definitively do not break his phone, nor talk to his boss. Looking at the bill should be ok , and ask him without accusing him. If you find out he is lying, you have a problem, even if the lie is not about another woman. Liars usually don't lie just once and if he lied to you, it will be hard for you to ever trust him again.
I am sorry. I hope this all clears up and your fears are put to rest.

EyesOfaStranger's picture

Sweetie, I hate to say it but i think it's pretty obvious he's hiding something! Getting irritated was the first sign.. Not offering his new password, the second. My DH and I know all each others passwords, and have full access to each others phones. If either of us change a password for some reason we tell the other immediately. And we never have trust issues.
If i was in your shoes I wouldnt have put that phone down until he told me the password and I checked things out! I wouldve been livid! Go with your gut on this one, and I would confront him big time! If he has nothing to hide then it shouldn't be a big deal and he certainly shouldn't get pissy about it!
Hugs to you! I hope it all works out for ya Hun.

dragonfly5's picture

You cannot live in the shadows. You need to know what has changed. Why he has changed.

I have been through what you are going thru now. You have to confront the situation head on. Just ask. If you don't get answers ask why? keep pushing until he answers.

It is better to know the truth than to live in a lie.

I wish you well in your fact finding. Sorry to hear he as made you doubt him.

Doubletakex3's picture

I have a password on my iPad so he won't see that I'm bitching on this forum. Just sayin that whatever he's hiding could be innocent enough.

DaizyDuke's picture

I only have a password on my phone so that BS1 can't randomly text people and call Russia when he gets ahold of my phone, but I have never changed it and my DH knows what the password is. I guess that alone would make me suspicious....

As far as being on the phone all the time, it probably appears that I am on my phone all the time texting, but I am not... I play Words with Friends, angry Birds, get on FB etc. I seriously use my phone more as a computer than a phone. So that, I wouldn't be that worried about.

The password thing though would be a major issue for me, if he has nothing to hide, then I don't see what the big deal is.... this thread will probably get heated as these types of posts about privacy and snooping always seem to get people going. I guess I am of the belief that if you have nothing to hide, then what is the big deal? I honestly could care less if DH is snooping around my phone or my computer because I have nothing to hide. I guess I am of the opinion that if DH doesn't trust me, then I have given him some reason to feel that way, and we probably ought to address that.

giveitago's picture

I actually agree that he could have become defensive and just thought that he'd NOT give you the password just because! He could be defensive that you were suspicious? Unspoken communications really can set the cat among the pigeons sometimes, thing with unspoken communications is that once they do become actually verbalized then the mind has played SO many tricks that it really does become a minefield and huge fights can ensue over something really quite innocent. I have seen this with people and I learned from that. What I think I'd do is to pick up the phone again to use it and if the password is still unfamiliar to you then say 'oh, can I have the password please?' as simple as that! If he denies you access to his phone I'd give him a smile and a quizzical look...if he still denies you then turn your smile upside down and Then ask him why. You are giving him the opportunity to fess up or give you the password, right?
Meanwhile, carry on as usual and let him think it's no big deal.
I'd still be checking the online account...LOL

lmac's picture

Let me just relate a recent situation of how a man who is innocent acts:

The other day, my DH installed windows 7 on his computer, and made separate accounts for us. His has a password. I said "Babe, I don't really like that this thing has a password on your acct. That's not something married people should be doing..." He goes "Oh, I'm sorry, it just prompted me to make a password for the admin acct, and I guess it applied that. I'll change it to [our last name] so we can both remember it."

One time, he got mad at me and changed his phone pw, and when I noticed it, I was like "Why did you do this?" He was like "Well you were mad at me, and I didn't want you to be able to use my phone. This is the new password."

I've been cheated on, and I've been the cheater. Getting defensive is a sure sign that a person knows they are in the wrong.

Oi Vey's picture

How did you "notice" he changed his password?
Honestly, DH could change the password to his phone, laptop, email accounts (he has 3 personal ones), his FB, etc, and I would never know.
I never check. Smile

DaizyDuke's picture

I don't think this will work, I know that on my phone, even though I have a password, you can still get to the dialpad to call 911 or anyone you have listed as an emergency contact... trust me my little stinker BS1 does it all the time!

stepfamilyfriend's picture

This is a legitimate point.
An ex BF of mine was very jealous, for no good reason, and his constant checking and spying on me drove me to fight for a bit of privacy, even though I had nothing to hide. It was just a way of rejecting the constant intrusion.