Recently, like the last four weeks, DH has been doing things differently. He told off skids in front of me, held them to some things, got me decent gifts, got me a surprise gift, made sure DS got me a nice xmas gift, and has reversed a seven-year, heals-dug-in, no-way-in-hell stance he took about a change to the house. In the past the only reason he changed his tune was when someone else, not me, said the same thing I did. He would listen to others, not me.

It's been seven years of being the scapegoat, thought of as the evil step mother, being told I was wrong or I should have done something differently, watching him dump and run if anyone else wanted something, not listen at all (no recollection, zip) when I tell him about any medical issue I'm concerned about, be ignored, but then turn around as if I wasn't stuck in the back of a closet like an old toy and take me out to work events and things with other people and act as if we are a cohesive couple.

When it happens enough you pull away, both physically and emotionally, to prevent getting or feeling hurt. I've started doing my own things. I've basically run out of emotions for all this and have been pondering moving myself physically out of the situation, too.

And, now, after seven years of this. Seven years. Seven years for him to recognize what I've told him to his face in nice and not-so-nice ways. I'm frustrated. If it's okay to come around magically now, why not seven years ago?

I told him that I can't trust it since he's done a little bit here and there before to get my hopes up but then stopped. And that I am angry and frustrated that it's had to go on for seven years. That I just don't and can't care anymore. I've had to stop. It's too stressful.

He had zero ability to apologize though he did admit some things. So I sat him down and said that if he was going to apologize the way I expected that this is how it would go...and I said his apology, I mentioned all the hurts and slights (not every little thing but the topics/areas/themes) and how it hurt and how sorry he was that as my husband he would have ever let me feel that way...it took a good five minutes. How he was sorry for always putting me last and worrying about what anyone and everyone else thought but not me, that whatever I thought was wrong or unimportant. That he'd do for neighbors what he woudn't do for me. That he'd treat his coworkers better than me. He was crying by the end. I said it all nicely because, well, it was an apology. I wasn't out for revenge but he is empathy- and memory-impaired so I did it for him so he could see how much of what he has done, that he has forgotten or didn't think was important, was terribly, terribly hurtful.

But I still have no trust that it will stay changed. My deadline for physically removing myself from the situation is probably sooner than the length of time it would take for me to see he's meant it and making the changes toward me a habit. That apology was at least closure.

Not sure even why I'm posting this. Maybe to ask if I'm a terrible person for not believing him when he says he's decided to change  even though his recent actions are different.