Had a thought about paying myself back
A thought sprang into my head today. From a logical, financial and emotional standpoint for me it seems to be a valid idea.
When DH and I were first married I paid off his credit card debts left from his divorce and I helped fund his fight with BM over the schools the skids go to. If it hadn’t been for my income he would not have paid off the cards and would have gone into debt on lawyers for the school stuff.
Silly me believed it would come around. Like with a few changes I desired on the house (DHs house he bought with BM). It hasn’t come around.
But then this came to me today: There is an extra savings account into which I have put a few of my bonuses. It’s a bit less than the amount spent to pay off DHs cards and the lawyers for the school fight. Perhaps the savings account should go to DS for school since it’s almost the same as was spent on “school” for the skids. To me that would even the field and it would be like “we” spent “our” money equally on all the kids. Financially it would put the same amount toward the other kids and emotionally it would feel like I could be at peace with all of it
Yes, I get that it seems like tit-for-tat and I’m “score keeping.” If you’ve been in a one sided marriage for a long time, you start to wonder when you get your turn.
I can tell you the conversation if I bring it up.
Me: This is equitable.
DH: But it’s our money, it’s not for DS only.
Me: Yet we spent lots of “our” money paying off your debt and on school issues for your kids. It wasn’t for your kids only
DH: But what will BM/the skids/my parents/your parents think (pick one or many but make sure none of them are people who should even know about this stuff)?
Thoughts? (Trust me if I’m gonna do it I’m not gonna discuss it.)
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Comments
Absolutely pay yourself back!
Absolutely pay yourself back! No need to discuss.
I'm confused if its your
I'm confused if its your bonuses, it's your money. why does DH get a say? How does using your own money make things even? Seems to me DH paying you back would be making things even. Then the money should be yours to do with what you please. You have no obligations to skids.
Yup
I agree but I live with someone who has a very, very old, traditional, strict and self-serving view of marriage. And yet has been divorced.
So - your money went to pay
So - your money went to pay his credit cards, and he saw that as half his money; and your money will go to pay for your son's school, and he will see that as half his money, too?
I know that some people feel like all money is joint upon the marriage vows, but it doesn't seem quite right that he's contributing bupkis to this "joint" money, yet claiming it all as half his. I'd say he owes you his half of what you paid towards his credit cards and court. Or at the very least should not feel entitled to even more of the money that only you have earned, and should not interfere in how you want to spend it.
Remember, much of the posts on this site
reflect the toddler rules:
1- If my kids want it, it's theirs
2- If my kids have something that's not theirs in their hand, it's theirs
3- If they can take it away from you, it's theirs
4- If you had it a little while ago, it's theirs
5- If it's theirs, it must never appear to be yours in any way
6- If we are building something together, after it's all done it's theirs
7- If it just looks like theirs, it's theirs
8- If they think it's theirs, it's theirs
9- If I give it to you or your kids and change my mind later, it's theirs
10- Once it's theirs it will never belong to anyone else, no matter what
11- If it's yours, it's really mine and my kids
12-If we don't want it anymore, you cannot have it
13 - If my kids do something wonderful, they are mine
14 - If my kids do something terrible, it's not their fault and it's probably the fault of the other parent
15 - No matter how bad my kids are, you have have to love them by following these rules
16 - If my kids seem like they might like you it may piss off my ex, so I'll handle these rules
17 - If you get upset about the rules, you must not like my kids
I can't even begin to imagine
I can't even begin to imagine living with someone who thought that way.
Spend the money on your son. If he divorces you, he'll be giving you a huge gift.
Sorry, tog, I was being snarky
Thankfully DH doesn't believe all those things. I was being overly snarky in my response. But I do agree that even having half of these is a problem.
Ye Olde
what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine. 1st XH was like this. Conveniently using the old fahioned "head of the family" crap. With that title goes the responsibility of being the breadwinner...so many of these impoverished-from-divorce men forget that.
Why do you stay? You are
Why do you stay? You are miserable.
Leave. Stop wasting your life like this.
Why are you paying yourself back with your own money?
Why are you paying yourself back with your own money? To be paid back - it would have to be with money he earned.
Oh wow. Yeah... don’t think
Oh wow. Yeah... don’t think twice, don’t ask & don’t explain. Spend YOUR money on your kid. This isn’t even paying yourself back, it’s paying yourself first. Your H is a user, and you deserve better than this. So does your son. I’m glad you’re spending your money on something YOU think is important. Make sure to treat yourself as well. H can take care of himself.
I think when DH pays back to you the money
you spent on his CC and for fighting for SK. Then you are even. Then that money can be divided equally between Kids. But you can never make all kids equal. Because they all are different. Because you pay for one kids college education. That means the other kid the, druggie,should get equal money to spend on drugs?
Money
I think that seperate fiances for marriages of people of a certain age are frequenlty better. It is somewhat complicated with an ours child, but still doable.
I do think that hiding money from a spouse is a really bad sign. Did he know about the bonuses? And the other accounts.
Frankly, I don't have confidence in many counselors really understanding money issues. In my opinion, your DH is NOT traditiional. If he were, he would have insisted on at least giving you a note for the CC debt you paid off. It seems to me that you guys got off to a bad start (at least with respect to how to handle money), but you guys need to fix now.
The bonus money is your,
The bonus money is your, plain and simple. Hide it for when you are tired of being used and ready to leave. Take out a loan for DS - take the payments out of joint funds. Quid pro quo - what is good for the skids is good for DS.
Thank you all
That is what I was thinking, too. All of it.
Nuh uh
Nope, no way. There are as many different ways of thinking about distribution of assets brought into and acquired during marriage as there are married persons. Perhaps more to the point there are as many different ways of thinking about distribution of those assets as there are legal jurisdictions. But the law is a ass, and as long as you are not constrained by law, you can do with your assets as you will. And from what I can see here, you don't owe him a blessed penny.
This is a dormant issue in my marriage, as well. I took on a recently bankrupted man with little income and child support obligations who now feels that blah blah blah, which reduced to its essence translates to he feels that I owe him money. I disagree, and am prepared to show him a balance sheet if it gets to that point.
Don't get me wrong. He's a sweet man, and I adore him. But I've worked hard for what I have, and I'm not inclined to give it away just because he's got a knack for making me happy. I'm not going to become J. Howard to his Anna Nicole. (Not that that level of wealth and pulchritude remotely applies to either of us.) Stand your ground. This is the Western World in the 21st century.AD. Your bride price was zero, and you own your own property. If that's a hardship for him, well, sucks to be him, doesn't it.