O/T Does your DH talk to friends about marital problems? Do you?
So DH and I have been fighting lately. Big blow out on Sunday over his ongoing custody and support battles with BM. He left the house in a huff and did not return until Monday night. Said he slept at work but who knows? Anyway, he eventually apologized and we are good but... I know he talks to friends about our relationship, especially after big fights. I don't really do this as I think that stuff is private. I'd rather share anonymously on the Internet ;). So my question is, what's your take on airing the dirty laundry to friends? Healthy outlet or trust violation?
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I suppose it depends on how
I suppose it depends on how cool your friends are, and whether or not they're going to actually keep it as priviledged information or pass it around until it gets back to your spouse.
*shrug*
If you don't want your
If you don't want your friends to think differently toward your DH afterward, it's best not to. I've learned that I have some friends that never are around DH, so we both talk about our problems. Other friends are more like family friends (to both DH and I) so I don't tell them much because I don't want them to feel awkward if they don't like what they hear.
DH has virtually no friends, so if he tells anyone, it would be coworkers, and I don't care as I don't know them.
My DH is not good at resolving issues, so I have found I need other people to talk to about things. DH would prefer to blow off steam and then forget there ever was an issue. We've tried counseling, but he didn't even tell the counselor the whole truth. I think I would not need to share with anyone if he was more communicative, so I've figured out my own way. Anonymously through the internet has been helpful here too!
This really hits close to
This really hits close to home. DH had a very difficult divorce from a cheating BM so leant heavily on his friends. Now that we are married he still does when there are issues. So when we had some big fights over some very legit issues now they are cold to me! I've been trying to think of how to deal with it and maybe I will take a page from your book. I do not want to punish DH, but at the same time I'm sick of being given the cold shoulder by his friends. As if they had the slightest idea what it was like to be in the middle of custody and support battles for your entire engagement and newlywed period!
What sorts of things do you
What sorts of things do you not tell him? I've decided to not discuss my finances with him anymore (we keep some before the marriage stuff separate) as I learned he'd told his friends about it.
YES^^^^^^^^^^This--about
YES^^^^^^^^^^This--about discussing things with the parents.
My DH (really my SO, but I call him DH)does this constantly! He's a mammas boy! He paints himself as the helpless victim! Drives me insane, but then again, I know better, and that's all that counts!
He bitches, complains, and whines to Mommy all of the time. And Mommy seems to hold it against me. Now, two shits I could give, as I don't see his family often, but on the very few family functions we go to, it's totally uncomfortable. And I flat out refuse to have any conversations about our private life with them. Those are meant for my very best friends!
And when my DH is being a complete dipshit, he will also call my own parents. Now that's just CLASSY! }:)
I have one very close friend
I have one very close friend that I vent anything to and she loves my fDH so she doesn't judge him but she helps me see things from both sides. Otherwise, no. I never discuss fDH in a bad light to anyone. He has one close friend he talks to as well but I think he provides the same kind of advice, information more than going off about me. We both fight and play fair.
The little annoyances, maybe,
The little annoyances, maybe, but not anything major. Most of my friends know my husband and I just don't want to put anybody in that position.
I admit. I have confided with
I admit. I have confided with my folks on some of the difficulties I have with DW and SS. My Mom and Dad have been great with giving me some perspective and it is through these discussions that I learned (to my utter shock) that when I was little, Mom and Dad would often get into a tiff over how to properly parent me! I always thought my folks were joined-at-the-hip and whatever one said, the other followed. This was not the case. Mom and Dad were just stealthy enough to keep their arguments hidden from me. It made me realize that the challenges I face are not unique and that DW and I are doing the best we can out of our situation.
That being said, I KNOW DW talks to her parents about some of the problems we have faced. Like my folks, they too have given her a new perspective on things. I don't find this at all in the least bit awkward. In fact, I WANT DW to talk to her folks if we ever have a fight because my in-laws are good people and they often have very good advice for DW.
As for my friends. No, I don't ever talk to any of my friends about any marital problems. The most I'll say is "yeah, we fight sometimes, but name me a couple who doesn't".
Yes, DH talks to his mom, and
Yes, DH talks to his mom, and I have far less of a problem with this. She knows what a good thing he has in me and usually tells him so! Plus, she has never been anything but kind and warm to me. His friends are a different story...
Hmmm...Do you consider him
Hmmm...Do you consider him confiding in his friends a trust violation because you don't like his friends? The reason I ask is because DW has one friend whom I don't really care about (and I don't trust either). She's a....oh what's the word I am looking for?...She's like a socialite on steroids. When DW lost her job, this friend claimed she could get her a new one at the snap of her fingers because she has "lots of contacts". Flash forward a year later DW never heard boo from her. So once at a party, DW got a little tipsy and I don't know what DW told her but this woman came to me and made a lewd remark about our marriage that I didn't appreciate.
No it doesn't have much to do
No it doesn't have much to do with not liking them per se (though I don't). It's a couple of things:
1. I don't want them knowing my business
2. I don't think they have good intentions toward our marriage - one female friend in particular
3. I don't think they are particularly well-qualified as most have made a complete mess of their own romantic relationships
Does this make sense?
Yup! Totally makes sense.
Yup! Totally makes sense.
And yeah, your DWs friend
And yeah, your DWs friend sounds like someone I definitely would never want to confide in!
I talk to my mom about
I talk to my mom about issues, but DH and I don't have any REAL issues. My mom likes DH and knows I just need to vent sometimes. She knows we have a really good relationship, so she's actually a really good place to vent. I don't know if DH vents about me to anyone, he only has one friend who is a jerk that I'd care if he vented to. Sometimes I talk to my sisters about things too, but they are like my mom, they won't judge DH at all for my frustrations. I'm lucky because I know a lot of people whose parents would never get over a stupid little vent and would think bad things about their SOs if they used them to vent.
It seems like the general
It seems like the general consensus is that people decide whether to confide in a friend based on the quality of the advice, and to what extent their friend can avoid letting it change the way they see their spouse. I guess that's the heart of my issue, is that it HAS affected my relationship with DHs friends, and made it so I simply do not want to be around them anymore. Thanks everybody!
H#1 talked about us and it
H#1 talked about us and it caused major problems. I'm pretty sure current DH does not. I know I've been the topic of conversation because he has told me how much various family members like me. He might talk to friends about our problems but if he does they have never acted funny towards me.
I talk to my therapist, my best friend and here. My bf also vents to me but we both realize it is just that a vent. We are both quick to remind each other of the good things. I've seen how destructive it can be to share with the wrong people. My mom, for example, will treat my kids bad if I talk to her about their behavior.
It's the opposite for DH and
It's the opposite for DH and I. He doesn't like it when I vent our personal problems to our friends. We share the same group of friends. In my defense - I absolutely HAVE to. I will go insane if I have no one to talk to. The difference is if I really hated my DH that much I wouldn't be with him. My family and friends never treat him differently no matter how difficult our situations may or may not be. He did get upset with me but I know it was more so because he was mortified of having our dirty laundry aired for others to see. But seriously...I cannot keep it inside. I HAVE TO VENT. I will go insane and lose it on him if I don't. My girlfriends are my anchors when he cannot be there for me - which is not too often. Most of the time him and I can talk about ANYTHING. Most of what I vent to my girlfriends and family about are the BM drama and SD situation. It's funny...because every fight him and I have ever had has been about his ex and child situation. The two of us just together...perfect. No problems. We are amazing together. It just sucks because in order for me to have this amazing life with the man I love...it comes with a price. A vindictive BM who does everything she can to control him for all he's worth. She would have succeeded too if it hadn't been for me. Not sure he realizes that.
I do not talk about dh other
I do not talk about dh other than the general bitching some of us ladies do about guys leaving dirty underwear on the floor and all of that minor stuff.
Dh used to vent to his parents years ago. They encouraged it, fed off it, and did the best to drive a wedge in our relationship. I used to naively think the whole reason these asshats disliked me was because dh was talking about me. I just couldn't fathom any other reason why people who hardly knew me wouldn't like me? Yeah, I'm naive. I realize now they needed no reason to hate me that's just how they roll- dh wars rewarded with love and affection if he was negative about me. He no linger speaks to them at all.
I think he has one pal that he probably vents to at times. Again, probably mostly minor issues. I really couldn't care less about this,