Weird (?) bed fixation
Let me start by saying I had no kids before marrying DH. The only frame of reference I have is how I was raised, and watching my siblings raise their kids, in a slightly healthier version of how we were raised. So I often question whether something that bothers me is actually wrong, or just not something I'm used to.
When I got together w/ DH, his kids were 10 (girl), 11 (boy), and 12 (boy). At that time, the 11 year old was still sleeping in his Dad's bed, and the 10 year old did, only sometimes. A little background: A couple years before their divorce, DH was gone fighting a fire for several weeks. The Skids slept with their mother the whole time he was gone. When he came home, BM refused to send the Skids back to their own bed, so he began sleeping on the living room couch. He never did get back in "their" bed. The Skids had taken over, and BM let/helped them do it.
When I started staying the night, I said no kids in the bed with us. I was not about to be laying in the bed in my underwear with someone else's preteen son. At first SS11 would hover, waiting for an invitation that didn't come. He started falling asleep on our bedroom floor, watching TV. Eventually he migrated to the living room couch. It's only been about a year now that he's been sleeping in his room when he's here. He's 17 now.
A few months ago, SS17 successfully talked his parents into letting him home school; since COVID, it's hard to argue he can't get a decent education online. Ever since then, he's clearly been spending a lot of time in our room when we're not there. It's obvious someone has gone through our closet, multiple times. It doesn't look like things in my dresser or nightstand are disturbed, but he clearly helps himself to whatever he wants in his Dad's dresser and nightstand. It routinely looks like someone slept in the bed, then tried to straighten the covers, but didn't put them back the way they were. And the fire stick on the TV in our room shows "recently watched" programs we didn't watch. In other words, it looks like he just hangs out and makes himself at home in our room/bed. He has a TV in his own room, and there's another in the living room.
I can't even explain how much this bothers me. Like, to the point that I am questioning the source my own reaction; it seems extreme, even to me, yet I can't seem to talk myself down. But it grosses me out to think of his funky 17 year old self lolling about in my sheets. And it infuriates me that he is invading our space and privacy. It seems weird/warped that a 17 year old would want to be in his parents' bed. I even considered putting a nanny cam in our room. Surveiling the interior of my own home! Crazy.
I sat DH down, explained how much it bothered me, and he assured me he'd handle it. But none of the Skids are very good at doing what they're told. And I'm not optimistic him talking to SS17 will garner the desired result. I hate the idea of putting a lock on my bedroom door, but can't think of another way to be sure he keeps his butt out of there.
Am I being weird about this? Is this normal?
- Irene H.'s blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
NOT weird. Your privacy is
NOT weird. Your privacy is being violated. While you may hate the idea, I think a lock is your solution.
Keyed lock on door.
I did that 10 years ago against invasion by my own kids. I was newly divorced and their dad had already brainwashed them many years prior that nothing of mine was to be respected. The catalyst was coming home late one night to my own daughter (19) and her bf "napping" on top of the covers on my brand new bed. I installed locks the next day. I also kept all alcohol in my closet just to be safe and that helped me feel ok allowing my kids to have friends over..... just in case they decided to be stupid. So glad those days are behind me.
That said. I do have a keyed lock on our master bedroom after marrying my DH. When we were engaged we came home from a weekend away and it was clear that either the then 34 year old YSS or 40 year old OSS who had been staying with dad had slept in my DHs bed while we were away. I suspect it was OSS since he had a girlfriend. Gross.... That's sealed the deal for me of always having a keyed lock on my bedroom door.
When we bought our current
When we bought our current home, I noticed the primary bedroom door had a key lock installed. When I asked the owner about it, she rolled her eyes and said "Teenagers".
You shouldn't feel bad about securing your private spaces. It seems this is a more common thing than most people realize.
Normal
So what I'm hearing is, it's normal for him to do this, and normal for me to hate it....
Makes me feel a little better. I'm not as worried that his fixation on our space is warped. And I don't feel bad about my reaction to it.
Thanks, guys!
NOT normal.
No, it's not normal, but a lot of CODs (children of divorce) don't get the consistent correction, firm boundaries, and parenting they deserve.
Because your skids were raised with weak-to-no boundaries and were allowed to cosleep to an age far beyond what most would deem acceptable, they're a bit ... different. So do NOT change your standards to fit in with these people. There's some weird residual attachment poo there you should NOT tolerate. Compare this to a roommate situation - would you accept such behavior in those circumstances?
In steplife, you have to stand up for yourself and be willing to go against the grain to protect your own interests. You also have to accept that just because your partner says or does something doesn't automatically mean it's correct, true, or even healthy. These people are part of a FAILED family, after all. Have faith in your perceptions and judgement, and if you don't want a creepy skid in your room, matter of factly put a lock on the door.
Normal
So what I'm hearing is, it's normal for him to do this, and normal for me to hate it....
Makes me feel a little better. I'm not as worried that his fixation on our space is warped. And I don't feel bad about my reaction to it.
Thanks, guys!
No it’s not normal. It’s disrespectful.
None of my other children ever did what my daughter did. So no, I don't think it's normal. It's disrespectful and some kids just are that.
Disrespectful
I didn't mean that it's not disrespectful. Any time they blatantly do something they've been told/asked not to do is disrespectful. And of course, violating our privacy and pawing through our stuff is disrespectful.
What I meant was, I was genuinely worried there was something mentally wrong with a kid that old, who seemed to fixate on wanting to be in his parents' room/bed. And hearing that it's apparently fairly common, helped me get some perspective on it.
Ahhh gotcha.
Be prepared for him to be "offended " if you put the locks on. Even likely to deny ever going in your room and that you don't trust him. Just prepare a measured response of "it's important to me to have my bedroom be my sanctuary"
No, there isn't anything
No, there isn't anything mentally wrong with him but it isn't nearly as common as all that. He's just doing what he's always done (and possibly been encouraged to do ..). Definitely put a lock on your bedroom door. There is absolutely no reason for them to be in there, none at all.
Your SKs clearly have no
Your SKs clearly have no boundaries.
My ex SD was like that... would go into her dad's bedroom, go through his drawers etc.
Get a lock for your bedroom door and don't feel bad about it one bit!
Reverse the situation how
Reverse the situation how would your SS17 feel if you and DH were going in his room all the time, rolling around on his bed, going through his stuff? Would you allow your family or friends to go through your bedroom or lay around on your bed? Probably not, just because he’s DH’s son does not give him a pass. Get a lock for the door and nanny cams…no it’s not fun, but if it gives you piece of mind and keeps SS17 out of your room, then that's all that matters.
I don't know if I've ever
I don't know if I've ever mentioned this:
My ex cousin-in-law was Jeffery Dahmers' college roommate at Ohio State. DrChris's biggest complaint was that little Jeffy went through his closet and read his diary when he wasn't home.
Creepy, huh?
It's a huge invasion of privacy, you're not being weird.
Killjoy loved to go through all my stuff, all over the house, and of course she never did it in front of me, so I know she knew it was wrong. She was told many times to stop, but of course she felt free to ignore anything she was ever told, so she kept on doing it. And heck yeah, it was creepy AF, and it mad me very angry. And it just got worse. Time would tell that she has zero boundaries, zero conscience.
How interesting, Ipso.What
How interesting, Ipso.What stories your CIL must have told!
Same here
SD (Animal Torturer) would routinely rummage in our bedroom and go through dresser drawers etc. Chef would think nothing of it.
Come again?
Animal torturer?
yeah she was the one
that was shooting toads in the face with a bb gun at age 8. then there was the stealing and lying; instantly trying to cheat at board games when she wasn't winning 5 seconds into the game.
just a hot mess. I thank my lucky stars they are all PASed out.
You're not weird. I don't
You're not weird. I don't personally know of any families, intact or otherwise, where kids of any age are allowed to just hang out in their parents' bedrooms without being invitees.
My own bedroom is huge - old house renovation with an addition and the master suite was originally the home's living room and kitchen. So I've got a full sitting area with a fireplace, tv, etc. As a result, DD and I hang out in my bedroom a lot. But she NEVER comes in without knocking/being invited, and she never comes in at all when I'm not home. And honestly, kids can be gross, even when they're your own. I absolutely will not let DD get in my bed before she's had a shower, and even then it's just to read or watch tv. She never sleeps in my bed and hasn't since she was maybe three or four years old.
So, yeah. I think it's reasonable to expect that boundary to be respected. And if it's not, a lock is definitely in order.
Lock
If SS can't respect the rule of staying out of your room (we have had this rule in place for years- skids do not come in, period), get that lock! There is NO reason to be in your room. It's very odd to me that he was in your room until 16, but also, now he is 17 and not getting his license, job, etc....notice a trend in being behind developmentally and your DH enabling it..?
Not weird,
My first marriage my SS did that too. He was 14 at the time. Walked in one day and he was masterbating while laying in the middle of our bed. When asked by DF, he said it was to get even and gross me out. Your SS is 17 and don't think he isn't different from anyother hormonal boy. It sick I know and violating your privacy. I'd put a double lock on my door. You deserve privacy in your home from his kids. Set your foot down.
OMG
Nooooooo.................................I would die.