Train wreck
I was a step kid, and my mom (actually stepmom, but I don’t call her that; she did the job, more than my bio mom ever did) wasn’t perfect, but she did love me and parent me. I remember my parents making an effort. They had an idea what they wanted us to be like when we grew up, and they had a plan for making it happen. I don’t understand the haphazard parenting I’m looking at, now that I’m the stepmom.
We’re week on/week off with the ex. Both my SO and his ex say they don’t want to ‘ride’ the kids, and ruin ‘their’ week. So the kids get away with murder. I can nag my guy into handling a significant problem, but even then it’s a half-assed approach he doesn’t want to make. As a result, the kids are lazy, rude, disrespectful, self-absorbed slobs, who treat their parents like their slaves. And if I tell them ANYTHING (flush the toilet; wipe up the cereal you spilled on the counter; don’t talk to your father like that...) they tattle to their mom that I’m mean, and she throws a fit that I did anything “mommish,” because she’s the mom, not me. WELL DO YOUR DAMN JOB, LADY!
I’m really concerned. The 12 and 13 year olds can’t even cut up their own food. That’s how bad it is. If we try to get them to do anything that looks like basic self-sufficiency, they throw a fit and call their mother, and my SO almost always backs down, because immediate peace is more important than progress, I guess. The oldest is 14. In four years, he’ll be an adult. How is he going to hold a job with no work ethic and a crappy attitude? How are any of them going to have a marriage or family when they’re so selfish, not to mention helpless? The ex is too weak to do her job as a parent, and too controlling to let it be done by anyone else. My SO can’t seem to find the line between keeping the peace and parenting, either. I foresee a train wreck, and I will not have these three living with us the rest of their lives. It’s not happening.
- Irene H.'s blog
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Comments
I had the same sinking gut
I had the same sinking gut feeling for years and years. My SS is nearly 18 and did not graduate with his class this spring. I feared the failure and now I'm watching it. At least my skids stopped coming here on DH's weeks because my nagging forced him to be a half ass parent. The kids have chosen the no-ass parent and the are reaping the results.
If you're lucky, you can watch the fire and smoke from a safe distance as they reject the crappy parent in favor of the even crappier.
It doesn't just happen in
It doesn't just happen in divorced families. My SIL did everything for her kids and was so sheltering and ignored the oldest mental illness. Now they have an almost 17 yr old that has called her mom a c3nt, hit my 6'2 260lb brother, called the sheriffs office and said she was being abused when they punished her. The other 2 are brats as well. They are almost 17, 15, 13 and c ant be left alone at home. They cant even make a sandwich.
My kid is 11, got himself on and off the bus, took care of our dog and will be home alone 1 day a week this summer as a test. He will do a school program the other days and next year will do a couple just for stimulation because he is an only kid and I don't want him laying around doing nothing.
Mine had to help out...My brothers didn't now he has a mess.
This just isn't going to
This just isn't going to affect your money, it will affect your health too, physical and mental. Think long and hard about sticking this one out.
The general culture now is to
The general culture now is to overindulge and underparent. A divorce probably amplifies that mentality.
Time to start negotiating how you will navigate getting them out of the house when the time comes. I suggest the old, "if you're not in school, and you're not working, you're not living here."
Start talking to your SO now about what you expect when they come of age to be on their own. That way he will know your expectations of when they must launch. Otherwise, they may be in your basement forever.
I also think shaming helps. I know "shaming" is a bad word these days, but you're up against it! Have your skids' friends over for dinner and then ask your skids if they want their dad to cut up their food. They may be so embarrassed they will figure out the knife on their own.
You’re a genius.
Awesome idea on the shaming! All sound advice. Thank you.
Is this appropriate?
I’m noticing an odd dynamic between two of my Skids. The oldest is a 14 year old boy, and the youngest is a 12 year old girl. In recent months, they’ve really bonded, whereas they couldn’t stand one another before that. They act like it’s them against the world.
Neither of them are interested in “dating,” if you could call it that, at that age. But the middle kid, a 13 year old boy, is all about getting a girlfriend. He seems more normal on that front. The 12 and 14 year olds don’t go anywhere or do anything, no sports or social events or anything. Their only friends are each other.
I don’t know how to say it, except to say they are unusually close. It was really apparent recently when the 14 year old went on a school trip for a few days, and the 12 year old moped the whole time he was gone. The only time she perked up was when he called. She’s been sleeping in his room with him since he returned from that trip.
Am I crazy? It’s weird for them to sleep together at this age, right? I don’t have kids, so all I have to go on is my childhood, and my parents wouldn’t have allowed it, in puberty age...Were they overly concerned? Or is this an issue?