I always have to be the bad guy
Seems like I can never win when it comes to SS(almost 12). I can't ever be the good cop, always the bad cop. He never lets me do something nice without ending up feeling unappreciated and used.
I'd like for once to have a conflict-free day where we get to have family time that doesn't turn into a battle over getting SS to do something or there isn't problems with his behavior. He can't go along and at least pretend to be happy or just be pleasant. He has to made everything a battle of wills.
I swear he has oppositional defiant disorder. It doesn't matter if he goes without, if he's miserable and doesn't get something special, he will refuse to do anything he's told just to be belligerent.
Tonight DH and I wanted to take the kids out to a friend's house for a cookout and to go swimming. But SS refused to get ready to go and then refused to come downstairs. At this point there aren't any consequences he even cares about. He was turning down hamburgers, cake and ice cream by refusing to go.
What should have been a nice, fun evening turned into a battle and now I told SS if he didn't come downstairs, that he wasn't going to be able to go with us to see the new Men in Black movie tomorrow. Did he care? No. But now there's something else we can't treat him to.
We're trying to be consistent with punishments even if he seems like he doesn't care, we need to tell him what the consequences will be if he doesn't do what he is suppose to do and then enforce it.
From the outside, it really does look like I'm some nasty stepmom who likes taking things away from him and not letting him do anything. But how can I do nice things for him when he treats me and DH so badly?
Its a no win situation over nothing.
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Comments
Are you and I the same
Are you and I the same person? I swear you just re-posted my morning blog entry. My SS12 (almost 13) DOES have ODD...and it's what got my H up my ass this morning when he should've been disciplining his spawn for being disrespectful. I gave up trying to have a pleasant experience with the skids. The last time I actually tried and planned an outing (a hike in the fall, which would've been lovely if the skids hadn't been there), it just wound up a huge debacle of yelling and general assholery. I haven't planned anything since, and likely never will again.
Thanks for commenting. How do
Thanks for commenting. How do you keep going when your skid is going to ruin any family outings and you can't do anything as a family? My kids are being deprived of doing things because we have to sit home because of SS.
SS is with us full time. There's no time away from him and I feel like I'm a single mom who lives with a single dad. I'm fortunate that DH is supportive but there's no way to discipline SS or control his behavior at all. He doesn't listen to his dad any more than he listens to me. DH even says SS likes me better (i don't know how he can possibly think that).
No, we don't have problems
No, we don't have problems with SS going to his room. He'd be content to stay there and never leave.
The reason he hasn't been diagnosed with ODD is the way he's noncompliant is to act like he's oblivious. You tell him to do something and he acts like he didn't hear and ignores you.
Ah, teens. They know we can't
Ah, teens. They know we can't clip them around the ear (child abuse) or deny them food (child abuse). So they pull this act.
Honey, don't deny your inner bitch. Let it come out like a Banshee. But the ultimate skill is in letting the child think you are angry BUT no frustrated.
If they think they have pushed you over the edge, they have won this round. I would anticipate NEVER taking him out again with the family. He has indicated he does not want to be with you all.
"We are going over to Maggies for a grill out and swim. Please get ready"
"Not coming. Don't want to."
"OK, that is fine. I have arranged a sitter for you. He will be here in 20 minutes."
"Who is it?"
"A friend of mine."
"Do I know him?"
"It is not important whether you know him or not. What is important is he is a friend of mine and trustworthy."
"But what about me?"
"I don't know what you are talking about. I have left dinner for you to be reheated. The sitter chooses the TV show. You are safe and being taken care of. You have nothing to worry about. We will be home in a few hours."
"But what if I want to come now?"
"I cannot waste my time waiting for you to make up your mind. You are only 11. You don't get to choose. You fit into OUR life not us into yours. This time you are left at home with a sitter. Think about it."
"Fine! *slam stomp stomp.*"
Make sure you have your DH on your side ("Your father and I discussed it and this is OUR plan.")and have a friend or friends son on standby for babysitting.
Make sure it is a male and not female. These boys can sweet-talk and be adorable if they really want something.
These kids get at us by challenging us. Being crafty and pre-empting them drives them crazy esp. when they see their attitude has them as losers and not winners.
SS really doesn't argue. He
SS really doesn't argue. He simply ignores us (both DH and I) and doesn't answer. DH is on my side, but he gets more frustrated with SS's behavior than I do. I guess he thinks I'm the mom and I can deal with him better than he can since he's clueless what to do with SS.
I've been trying not to get angry since I've read in some books about dealing with kids with behavioral problems like this to avoid and just give clear instructions and the consequences for not following those instructions.
But it's like I'm not worth his time even acknowledging that I exist or doing anything I want him to do. I wish he would argue since then I'd know what is going on his his head.
We don't know. Things keep
We don't know. Things keep getting worse with him. His therapists and psychiatrist say he's depressed. The medication hasn't helped.
I think it's ODD since he's so defiant but when I asked his therapist about it, she says he doesn't have any of the symptoms- which is crazy since he won't do a single thing we say. He just doesn't argue or throw tantrums or have any open agressiveness or hostility. But he refuses to do things that are only beneficial to him. DH could tell him he has tickets to the NHL finals and to get into the car, and SS would still refuse to go.