Is this concerning?
I don't know how to process this but it has been bugging me and I figured I'd run it by you guys and see any input.
We run a martial arts gym out of our lower level, SS(almost 5) runs around while his dad teaches, tonight I was participating in the class, SS was sitting on the bench with one of our newer members, A man, former military, really nice guy but totally intimidating (huge muscle, shaved bald head, to give a visual). I could hear SS try to chat with this guy. My class ended and as this guy got up to come into the floor, SS said "I love you" to him. I'm pretty sure this is the first time he has ever met this man. The man, baffled, must have said had a baffled look on his face and SS repeated "I said, I love you." The man walked away with a very strange look on his face (no doubt!)
SS used to be a mute around strangers. I have no idea but from what it sounds like, BM has been running him all over with her when she cares to have him. Forcing him to sleep at random guys' houses and taking him far away to god knows where. She's had a TON of "boyfriends" since I've been involved (she actually got fired from her job as a nurse in the baby ward for signing up on a site that solicits prostituon!!!)
I've mentioned in previous posts that I've seen a pretty big regression in his behaviour. Nothing super alarming, but all of it together just feels strange.
What do you think? Am I overthinking?
Excuse the typos. Can you
Excuse the typos. Can you edit them from a phone? I can't figure out how. It's 2:36 am and my screen is tiny and this is shameful!!!
Goodness. I am not a mother,
Goodness. I am not a mother, but I am a very involved aunt and I would be extremely concerned about this. Not just your SS's behaviour, but the environment his BM is exposing him to!!!
Is your DH not concerned?
Concerned is an
Concerned is an understatement. We have gone through so much. Emergency custody orders, CPS, brutal fights. I have a friend who works for CPS who encouraged us to call, she said they would most definitely open a case. They didn't.
They sent us a letter saying all parties need to get along better and gave us a website for info! So livid.
The courts flat out told SO that the cases in this town are so severe that unless she is burning the child with cigarettes or a baby has needles in the crib, you have to fight it out the long way. (We went for an emergency order). It was awful.
The silver lining is that BM gives her custody days to SO's mum majority of the time. So at least he's safe and in a loving environment, but as you can imagine, there's literally no parenting happening there and it is becoming more and more of a struggle. I encourage him to document everything so we have a solid foundation when he ends up going for custody, which I have no doubt is in our future. His concern was that he didn't have enough written down, screenshot, etc., to get full custody and that things would just get nasty (and oh boy, have they ever in the last year!) so he's basically building a solid case that are all her words and actions marked on calendars. At least now we have school teacher input and witnesses outside of it just being SO's issue with her "parenting". It has been exhausting and draining. But things are at least a little quiet for now (but maybe that's because we've had him 6 out of the last 5 weeks! HA!)
The system is so messed up.
A 4 yr old (or any age of
A 4 yr old (or any age of child) saying "I love you" to a stranger is not normal and is quite concerning. However, it is possible that this young lad merely wanted to say "I like you" to a person he'd had a chat with, and used the wrong word.
I would talk to SS and see if he can explain what he said, before taking it further.
Indiscriminate affection
Indiscriminate affection toward strangers is a symptom of Reactive Attachment Disorder. Symptoms of Attachment Disorders are common amongst children with sociopathic parents.
Regression is a symptom of stress.
I'm sure being bounced around between numerous dad-like figures is stressful for him, especially if BM is not a good mother in other respects. Too bad you can't stop BM from being a ho.
I'll research this, thank
I'll research this, thank you.
Thanks for the replies. I've
Thanks for the replies. I've spoken to SO and he's going to talk to SS about keeping those words for use between mum, dad, Oma, etc. I also suggested he start writing behavioural oddities down and keep an eye for anything that seems off. I have a feeling BM is using SS as an entertainment piece when she has him. She's the kind of person who wanted to be pregnant for attention and was spiteful once the baby came and took that from her. So using him for awwww's and laughs wouldn't be a stretch. Either way (mums puppet, attachment disorder or something else) I think it might be a good idea for SO to think about counselling for the boy. Anyone have experience with young children, sociopath exes and counsellors? God, she would flip out if she found out.
When I came into the picture,
When I came into the picture, Killjoy was 5 and lived with her mother. DH and I moved in together when she was almost 6. BM was a dumpster fire and the child had glaring mental health issues.
A straw broke the camel's back and we decided Killjoy6 needed to go to counselling. DH had joint custody, so he scheduled an appointment.
At the first session, Killjoy refused to speak to Counsellor1 . Afterward, DH sent BM an email saying Killjoy had attended a counsellor, and gave her the contact information. Shortly after that appointment, Counsellor1 received a threatening phonecall from BM. BM really made an ass of herself and the counselor made some stinging comments to her. Although BM couldn't ultimately do anything to damage his license, he was worried about character assassination and the cost of fighting with her, so he punted us. We never told BM the real reason why.
BM immediately started to refuse visitation to DH, so he filed a court order and got an immediate temporary visitation schedule. BM filed a motion to stop the therapy, amongst other things, but she couldn't get an immediate hearing on that.
The next session was with a woman Counsellor1 had referred us to. At the first appointment, Counsellor2 diagnosed Killjoy with an anxiety disorder and symptoms of reactive attachment disorder. DH sent BM an email with the new counsellor's contact information, and said Killjoy was seeing a woman now because the first counselor though she'd do better with a woman, and that Killjoy was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. DH urged BM to take Killjoy to the counselor on BM's time, but she wouldn't. BM did not contact this counsellor because she didn't want to go on record being psycho, but she instructed Killjoy not to talk to her. Counsellor2 was still a little worried about what BM might do to her, but she kept seeing Killjoy anyway. Cousellor2 did speak to and meet BM a long time later, but that is another insane story.
A Guardian Ad Litem was appointed to the case and upheld DH's right to take Killjoy to counselling, and Killjoy's need for it. A hearing finally came a long time later and that portion of the court case got dropped because BM had no chance of winning. Part of the reason BM keeps losing things is because it is evident to almost everyone who meets her that she is a deranged, putrid, depraved, toxic, defiant, lying, thieving, conning loser.
There's a lot more, but I don't want to write a novel.
Your results may be different, it all depends on the customs and biases in your county courthouse. Some people motion for counseling in advance and get it granted, but BMs frequently turn it into a circus with refusing to agree on who the counsellor should be, or trying to sit in on sessions, coaching the children, or blowing smoke up the counsellor's arse. And some counsellors aren't trustworthy, they have their own biases and stupidity, and can sometimes be manipulated.
I can see this going in a
I can see this going in a similar direction. BM didn't even register ask for school this year, and fought SO tooth and nail about him doing it. I have no idea why.
After SS started, BM starting lying about talking to school admin, having a CPS meeting and SS being referred to counselling by the admin since he's having such a rough time living with SO and me, of course. So contacted the school and they told him that none of that happened at all. Her lies are non stop and get vicious and she tried to ruin lives at her child's expense. She doesn't care. He's a pawn.
Though I do think it would be a bit funny to have him put in counselling and temind her that she was the one who let us know he needed it. She doesn't know SO spoke to the school.
But yeah, no matter what we do, she's the victim and we are villains. Her lies have gotten so out of control, she doesn't know what's up or down anymore.
I hope you got her statements
I hope you got her statements in writing? If not, maybe you can bait her into repeating it by text.
It's crucial you go completely written contact only with someone like this.
Yes, do it. Tell her you are taking SS to counseling because she told you the school admins recommended it.
I have a lot of experience dealing with psychopaths, they are dumb and easy to manipulate if you know what their weaknesses are.
SO might have it in text.
SO might have it in text. The stuff she tells him in writing is ridiculous, I asked him to stop sharing what she sends, with me to reduce my stress about her being an asshole, as it got to be too much (and much of the time in her target).
But yeah. He screenshots it and saves them all via email with dates!
The pool little guy! He
The pool little guy! He sounds like a sweet kid, and is so lucky to have your and his DAd’s support!
I'm admittedly not a great
I'm admittedly not a great step mom and feel bad taking a compliment for being one. I struggle and am trying to figure it out, but I have a long ass way to go!
If you are concern trust your
If you are concern trust your gut but be careful proceeding. You can't just question him because then it could be said you guys coached him. Without some sort of 'real' evidance the police wont talk to him either.
A therapist is your best bet as far as I can tell.
On another note it could be nothing. I know SO's son has ALWAYS been outgoing like this to the point I find it embarrassing. If we are out somewhere with other kids and he hears a name he acts like the kids his best friend. He was all over me the first time I met him and instantly started with the I love yous. If we are around some adult teacher type person for some sort of kids event he runs right over like they are his best friend, its to the point I've seen adults greet him like he's always in their class even through they have never seen each other. This child does not hold back BUT it's also something we saw from day one.
At the same time we did see shifts when he joined preschool. Suddenly his verbalization altered. Every single visit we get a run down of the new word. When he learned what friends were it was "Why aren't you mommies friend. Your (my names) BEST FRIEND." We asked the teacher about it because we were concerned BM might be saying something and teacher confirmed it was there latest lesson.
If a sudden change has shown then yes there's a good chance it has a source though it doesn't have to be sinister. He could just be picking up on BM's freely moving from guy to guy and spilling out the L word within moments. While I don't like this it's hard to get a court to really do anything without a morality clause in the CO and in their eyes it's not as harmful as changing his time with mom.
It's most definitely some
It's most definitely some kind of anxiety, attachment disorder. A few times today SO went to another room to grab whatever and SK freaked out, saying he didn't know where his dad went, and was just ridiculous. And I mean a minute or less. Ie: he walked to the office to grab a paper he printed. This happened when he was much younger but hasn't been an issue up until now for quite a while. We ha e always suspected she (BM) leaves him alone for chunks of time. And yes, CPS knows and doesn't care because we haven't witnessed it.
I substitute teach and have
I substitute teach and have kids tell me they love me all the time, especially the kinders. I'm guessing that ss5 thought he was a really cool alpha male and was expressing his admiration for him in the only way he knew how.
Personally I wouldn't worry but would be grateful that he is a loving little soul rather than being hostile and biting people. He could be taught how to compliment something that he likes in someone and use other words if you and his father feel that saying *I love you* is inappropriate.