I don't know why I have been feeling this way lately but here it goes. I'm not in stephell anymore. That ended for me nine months ago. Lately I've been feeling down. My ex made it seem like I hated his kids because I never really got involved in any parenting for them because well, they were his kids. He had said more times than not that the mom was crazy, so that created many of the boundaries I put up for myself and his kids. I didn't want any problems. At first when we had started dating, I was open to being there and helping him out. But as time passed, I realized I effed up getting into that relationship, but I was in too deep. Things were not as they seemed and how he made them out to be at all as I learned over time. Anyways, things went south and after a very lonely pregnancy, things ended shortly after I gave birth. 

Which brings me to where am at now... maybe it's all the extra time I have on my hands from between being at home 24/7, adjusting to working from home  and dealing with my kids shifted online school. But the negative thoughts and feelings are taking over. Sometimes I wonder if I should have tried harder with his kids. Maybe I could have, but I didn't. Sometimes I wish I would have never gotten involved with him either. How I wish I would have found this site at the beginning of the relationship because it would have saved a lot of heartache because maybe some of the stories would have slapped some sense into me or maybe it wouldn't and I'd still be where am at today. Stuck. But, it would have validated a lot of the feelings I had when issues would arise, and I would not have felt like a monster for thinking or feeling those things. I used to think that love was enough to keep our relationship going, but it was not. I wasn't enough. Now I'm left with guilt because when we broke up his reasoning was that I didn't treat his kids like my own. However, the son we had together doesn't even get an ounce of his attention. I have suffered so much at the thought that I drove him away. Thinking if only I would have just been a better person my son would have had his dad. 

In conclusion, the more I think and sort through my feelings I come to realize that even if I did do things differently, he still would have left. I could have been perfect and none of that would have changed him. The issue wasn't with his kids or the BM, it was him and his victim complex. He is ostracizing our son because I couldn't love his kids. It makes no sense. And it just tops it off that after feeling this way for a week or so, yesterday my friend said he saw my ex with his new gf at the grocery store. However he did say that she looks way too young for him like and it looked creepy and that I was prettier than her. A little boost to my confidence about the pretty part and grossed out at the other part. Anyways, I guess I'm slowly going crazy with my thoughts as I've never had this much time on my hands to just sit here and just pick apart that failure of a relationship. I have made great progress following the months after the breakup with some hiccups here and there and accepting things as they are. But it's just lately I feel so much hurt. Thanks for reading my rambling on if you got this far. One last thing I do appreciate this website a whole lot.