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A thank you and a follow up question.

ICanMakeIt's picture

My DH has two adult SKs. Both PAS to an extent. They both were MIA for 5 years or so, but the eldest in the last couple years has made great strides and they've reconnected. The other not so much. There have beent two grandchildren born to the 2nd Adult SK and while my DH reached out to both adult SKs at the same time,(a couple weeks before 1st grand kid) only the eldest ever responded and as mentioned a new more adult respectful relationship has emerged. 

Obviously my DH puts on a front, but is shattered that the younger Adult SK still has made no contact. He's talked with eldest Adult SK and that SK says the other won't entertain the idea of talking with DH or contacting him.

In the beginning of reconnection for eldest,(they both live in the same state but not the same as our state) we would invite to dinner and tell eldest to invite sibling. After a couple of those the sibling told eldest to stop asking it wasn't going to happen but won't discuss any further with sibling.

When 1st grandchild was born, DH sent gift and then another at Christmas. No response, so he stopped all attempts with that SK.

A 2nd grandchild was born in the last few months, nothing was done by DH and he has asked that I not share pics that I see on social media, so I don't. 

The thank you comes in because if not for this site, I feel like I would be moving Heaven and Earth to help aka probably push and make worse the situation. But you lovelies have opened my eyes and honestly I see this as horrible and heart wrenching for my husband but also a blessing because even according to the eldest, this SK is selfish and manipulative. We are probably avoiding so much drama. 

It does still break my heart for DH and hence the follow up....would you encourage your DH to make an equal attempt one last time (under the 2nd grandchild circumstance)? Send another gift with a heartfelt letter ? I'm not even sure DH would entertain the thought. 

Comments

tog redux's picture

No, leave it be. The skid is an adult and knows where to find his father if he wants a relationship with him.  Your DH needs to work on his own grief and be able to let it go and move on with life.  

Honestly, my DH was alienated from his son for over 3 years - he's back now, but DH doesn't even like being around him and rarely sees him.  If your younger SK is that selfish and manipulative, he won't be much of a son even if he does speak to DH. 

ICanMakeIt's picture

I agree...I guess just wanted outside confirmation. I don't want it twisted that DH wasn't equal with the 2nd grandchild, but really there is NO relationship at all, he has never met grandkids so it isn't on him I suppose.

tog redux's picture

I'm sure it will be twisted, anything and everything an alienated parent does is twisted to look bad. Send a gift and he's ignoring the request for no contact. Don't sent a gift, and he's treating his other GK better.  DH has to find peace within himself. He knows that if he was allowed into his child's life, he'd be a good grandfather to his grandkids, but he isn't - so he can't be.  He really should focus on the kid he got back from alienation, not the one who is still lost. 

Movingonisbest's picture

Your dh has to get out of his feelings and accept the fact that his other adult kid doesn't want a relationship with him. It's not like it's the end of the world. Sheesh.