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SD18, Drinking underage

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

So I knew my SD18 was partying hard at college. I said nothing to DH but it was fairly obvious based on 1. What she posts online and 2. How she looked at Thanksgiving.

But I was around this weekend and in earshot when DH got a call that she was in her friends car (as a passenger) when a cop pulled them over. Not only were there too many people in the car, but all had been drinking. They were not over the legal limit, but all are underage. She is definitely going to have to go to court. DH is freaking out. I kept my mouth shut. He wants my opinion; I told him that he would have to discuss it with BM to determine repercussions, his level of involvement in helping her resolve this, and stipulations going forward.

She is scheduled to come home soon for winter break. She will be with BM for the first week, then a week with us, and then back to BM for another week until she returns to college.  I'm dreading the visit. I'm dreading listening to her go on and on about the parties she goes to in her valley girl voice. I'm dreading seeing the dumb, vapid look on her face.  I'm dreading hearing her whining to Dadddeee about how she needs money for spring break, and clothes for sorority events. But most of all, I'm dreading the constant supervision that I will have to have around her and the LOs. I already have to do it with SS15, given the events that occured over the summer. Now I have another person that has to be monitored because she's an idiot sometimes. And nothing she's done since she's left home has given me hope for her growing up and learning to have better judgment.

So, here are the rules I want to set in place while she's home, and I would like your opinions before I introduce them to DH:

1. No drinking at home. She's 18. She can stay sober for the week she's with us.  If she goes out and drinks, and needs to be picked up, then its on DH to deal with her. But if that's the case, it stays away from LOs; they do not need to see a drunk or a hungover/pukey big sister.

2. No storing alcohol, drugs or tobacco/vaping products in the home. And I want her to know that we are going to be looking for it, and if we find anything, she's either going to the police station or back to BMs.

3. No driving LOs around. Period. And no driving my car. If DH wants to lend her his car, he can do that since we have separate cars/insurance.

4. Supervision at all times with LOs. They can be in the playroom while I'm in the kitchen next to it, but she's not to take them down to the rec room in the basement alone. (Background: She "forgets" how little they are, and plays too rough. Again, poor judgement)

Am I being to harsh?

If she behaves, there is no reason we can't have a good visit. If she doesn't, I'm not letting her ruin the week for everyone else.

 

Comments

advice.only2's picture

I think all but #2 are good to have in place. Is DH going to search her stuff to ensure she doesn't have this stuff?
Will your DH agree to these very basic requests or will he cave and go all Disney Dad on you?
I was a party girl when I was 18-19, going to college and working two jobs. I would get lectured almost daily by my own mother about what a piece of crap I was all because she never partied, it got old really quick.
I think as long as she's pulling good grades in school and not affecting you daily maybe just let her be, she will only be there a week.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

DH has enabled her and her friends drinking in the past, when she was in high school (like 15/16). And he's permitted it with SS15. I don't agree with a parent enabling a kid that young to drink, but that's me, and I'm on the stricter side. My opinion was quickly dismissed, and I let it go as long as it wasn't in my home or around my young bio kids (LOs)

SD refuses to work, constantly calls for money, and is awful if she doesn't get what she wants. Her grades are ok, now that she's switched to an easy major.

I don't mind the partying at school, as long as she's safe and responsible. But I don't want it in my home. I'm probably more concerned about DH permitting it than anything else.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

Ok, So based on responses, here's what I've got - I lightened these up a little bit

1. No drinking at home unless its with a parent. Please be mindful about how much, given that we have little kids at home (same as I'd expect of any adult.)

2. No drugs in the home, where small children could find it.

3. Driving Dad's car is fine, but same rules apply as before - no drinking and driving, no booze in the car. Only Mom and Dad drive little kids around.

(4. I'll keep supervising because of prior issues, but won't make a big announcement about this.)

advice.only2's picture

Maybe you will get lucky and her friends will invite her out for parties and you will rarely see her the whole week.

susanm's picture

I personally would go with what is legal in your state regarding the condumption of alcohol by minors with their parent in a home that I co-own.  It is most definitely NOT legal in my state and homeowners are freely prosecuted.  It happens primarily when there are other minors involved and their parents get wind of it but it has also happened when authorities have found out because the child then drove or mixed the alcohol with drugs without the parent's knowledge and there was a medical emergency.  If the homeowner could be shown to be aware of the consumption, they were also liable for any property damages and contributing to the delinquency of a minor and reckless endangerment and all of the crap that they like to add on.

I get that it is the parent's business what they do with their kid.  But not when it could get me in legal trouble.  I draw the line there.  My sanity over disrespect and noise is one thing.  Potentially getting locked up and/or bankrupted because I knew his kid was drinking and getting high in my house was another.  That almost ended our relationship until he understood that I was not budging on that one and for good reason.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

In our state, you can provide alcohol and supervise your own minor, but not anyone else's. So if a friend of hers is over, I think its safer to just say no alcohol for any of them including SD.

 

ESMOD's picture

I agree that some of this is best left unsaid and just something you would be more vigilant on.  

Your DH can tell her that if she needs to go somewhere.. she can borrow his car.. but that he needs to know when she will be using it.. and after her recent brush with the law.. it goes without saying she won't be drinking etc.. he can even stipulate that only she rides in the car.. no shuttling friends about to go out and party etc..  

She can uber out if she wants to go party.. seriously..

I think she needs to have a talk with dad about her incident.  He needs to explain to her that she is risking her license and ability to drive and that another charge on top of the one she has now will be very bad news for her and he won't be able to save her from herself.

I would actually have a "no drugs" policy in your home.. period.

I think keeping an eye on her when interacting with the LO's is fine.  I wouldn't imagine an 18 yo college girl would be all that interested in kids that age.. but certainly she should be gentle with them.

 

bananaseedo's picture

I think your revised ones are more reasonable. But I think the no drinking at home is fine to stay-she can uber to parties w/her friends if she must.  

Thumper's picture

Is she covered by your house hold car insurance if she has a car accident IF daddy hands her the keys? My dh would tell her to find a uber.

 

Your rules are YOUR rules op. Whether or not she is not a college student doesnt matter. If you cant follow our rules such as during the week your home before 10p because WE have to work, go to your moms.

She is 18---she broke the law. My rear fries when I read OR hear drinking underage is a 'right of passage" (my words). HA ha haaaa wink wink.

Also, there is NO way I would hand my keys over to her and your dh should not either. She is not to be trusted. JMO

 

 

 

 

Kes's picture

I think your revised rules are OK.  In the UK, where I live, 18 is the legal age at which you may drink outside the home, and buy alcohol.   Personally, I think it's OK to enforce any rules you choose, in your own home, but having draconian ones will only alienate her, as it would with any teen.  I think it's better to treat them as if they have a modicum of sense to take care of themselves, especially by the age of 18.   I stopped looking over my DDs' shoulders well before this age.  If they haven't learned restraint and self care by then, they're never going to - and if you dislike the way they live, it's better that they get their own place and do their own thing.