I don't want to feel alone anymore... and that is why I'm here
I am so happy to have found this site. Reading all of your posts gives me hope that I can find someone to talk to and relieve me of my sadness and worries.
I am very lucky to be with a man that treats me so well and adores me, however, he comes at a cost with 3 children from a previous marriage. Their ages range from 12-16.
I have no children of my own and have never been married.
I always knew that this would be a challenging task (taking on a 'pre made family') but I was truly not prepared for the heartache, the strain it has caused on our relationship or the amount of question in my mind that maybe this is not for me. This is not easy for me to think now that we have invested so much into this relationship. We have been together for 4+ years and purchased a home together.
2 years ago we even began trying for our own children. This has not come without another struggle. First we had to struggle through a year worth of a reverse-vasectomy. Then for the next year and a half month after month we wait with no happy results.
I hate to say it, but this has caused me a lot of resentment.
I hate when his kids are here... I hate not having my privacy to sit and cry... I hate that while I am having a difficult time conceiving, his kids are in my face like a constant reminder of what he was not only able to have but without me.
I am an emotional mess right now. I have found no one that remotely understands what I am going through. I am very depressed... I need someone to talk to.
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major sad face on that one.
Having kids/not having kids is such a irreversible line.. your SO has no idea how your feeling cause hes already been there and done that. I understand that no child is the same, but once youve been there, you been there. I felt like such an outsider in my relationship before I had my own because my FDH acted like I didnt know 'jack' about being a parent. And truthfully I think I had more motherly/parenting instincts than he ever had, even before my baby.
FDH's parents werent sure I wanted a ready-made family either... and I didnt, but when you find that one you connect with you make sacrifices. I often remind myself that SDs only here 4-6 days a month, and 'its only $$' that is flying to BM's household instead of ours. Then other posters remind me that any day she could be here 100% of the time.. what then?
Giving up privacy is no joke to a woman, and I understand that too. If ever I am upset when SD is here, Im supposed to go away till I can get it together cause she wont let me have 1 minute with FDH alone, and she 'doesnt need to see me cry'.
Hang in there. If you truly want to be with him and make things work, then thats what youll do. And even if kids isnt in your books.. youll continue to love those times when its just you and your SO.
Oh Sonja... thank you for
Oh Sonja... thank you for your response. You don't know how much it means to me to have people listen... and actually get it!
I know what you mean about the $$, I never knew I would have to one day go without clothes, and maintenance on the car and limit my groceries to nickle and dime it for someone else's children.
It is so depressing. Especially when we are obviously the ones that care (or we wouldn't be here) and then we're the ones that suffer.
I'm so glad you understand what it feels like to slap a happy face on when they're here... and these days, I never feel happy.
I know exactly how you are
I know exactly how you are feeling. 9+ years into my relationship - I am finally realizing that I have been strung along. I fit right into the "I need a mother for my child" role but apparently, I am not to be a mother in my own right. So - I know the hurt you are talking about. My SS11 lives with us and I adore him. We have our moments as do all parents and children but there is also a very small part of me (which is starting to fester and get pretty irritated) that does resent that fact that we have no children on our own - that our relationship is almost just a convenience for both of them. I don't know what the answer is. We too have a house together and such time invested. How did we get here? Is there something wrong with us? I hazard a guess that the only thing wrong with us is that we allowed ourselves to morph into the roles they wanted us to play. We've lost ourselves... because we took on so much. I'm here whenever you want to vent - as are all the other ladies and gents on this site who can feel your pain. You need to have an outlet - people to talk to. You will figure this out. Give yourself some time and space to yourself. You deserve that. Think everything through... and decide what sacrifices you can make or can't make. I wish you all the strength in the world to get through this.
I completely understand you
I completely understand you and I dont know how to advise you...I want children on my own, but what I have is three kids that hate me and has no respect for me....Gosh...all I can tell you is...hang in there hun
I have given up my entire
I have given up my entire life for my husband and SS and often times I do feel like I'm just a baby sitter, personal assistant, errand girl, etc. Where my marriage is now is such a far cry from the wonderful relationship we started with. Us then wouldn't even recognize us now, especially since we have both gained like 40-50lbs each because of the stress of this catastrophe that is now my life.
The only dream that I have ever had was to be a mother and a wife. Just these 2 1/2 years of this bullshit have physically and emotionally aged me like 10 yrs. It makes me physically ill. I desperately want kids, but don't know a) how SS with deal with a kid (concerned he may hurt or kill it), b) if I can even get pregnant as the stress has caused my period to be irregular and have stopped ovulating (I am only 24 this should not be happening), c) SS is so damn expensive and I can't even spend $ on clothes or a haircut how could we afford diapers and formula, d) BM and her bullshit has so much control over our lives and I don't want anyone controlling my baby.
I am also wondering whether or not this life is for me. Everyone also says that I need to stay as SS needs me as I am the only sane person and only real mother he has and doesn't deserve to lose that. It hurts me to say that, but my physical and mental health as well as my desire for kids need to be first priority. Right?
Absolutely right SW2613, your
Absolutely right SW2613, your own physical and mental health must come first, if you become ill or depressed then everyone especially you suffers. I am not in this situation I have 3 grown up children and 3 grandchildren, so while I can empathize with you I understand I cannot know how you must really feel.
I had an elderly Greek neighbour once who said this was an old Greek saying: People who have no children have only one sorry (they have no children), people who have children have many sorrows. It's true enough, having children does come with a lot of worry and stress, but yes it is more than offset by the love. So, I wish all of you trying for children all the best. I notice the word resentment in a couple of posts, and that is the worst feeling, it will make everything worse, especially if you feel resentment towards the SK. I used to hate my stepdaughter now 29 up until about two years ago, when the penny dropped, she was not causing my anger, hurt and resentment, my husband was. He was allowing her to abuse me he sat back and never said one word to her no matter how rude she was, no matter how badly she treated me, she would make fools of both of us publically and he would do nothing...He was my problem not is daughter. I felt heaps better after this realisation as I felt it gave me some control back of my life. After giving this a lot of thought over the last two years, I decided to ban my SD from the house, I was able to do this because I had come to terms with the fact that the worst that could happen would be he would leave, and what would I be losing, a man who treated his adult daughter better than he treated his wife. Big Deal.
Taking back control of my life, stopping a woman who hated my guts and openly admitted to wanting me dead from coming into my home, and telling my husband no more you are responsible for all of this. They are your children not mine, and you should have sorted this out on day 1 was wonderful. I now feel much better, my emotional health is back on track, but seriously I am still getting over some sort of bug that has been in my system 4 months now. All due to sress. Don't make my mistake, I waited 8 years to voice my opinion and have been so upset and unwell most of that time. Now I realise the first person I should have thought of was me. Even my GP has said that it is not a selfish thing to do, it is the right thing to do. And as far as guilt goes, well neither my husband or his children felt any guilt the last 8 years always putting their wants ahead of my basic needs, why should I feel guilty about saving my sanity.
Like you I gave up my life for my husband, I have 3 children of my own that were never treated as equals even though they were the ones supporting us, loving us and being there for us when we needed them, and his were only here when they wanted to DEMAND things from their dad, making sure he felt guilty for leaving their mother. Now that I have some pride back, and have decided to no longer take a backseat to everyone in my husband's family I feel heaps better. It has only been since mid Aug when I told SD no more, but I see my husband settling down and things very, very slowly getting better. But should they win him over to the dark side (becase they will eventually get in touch with him for something), he can go and live with them. I'm okay now, I realise that I am just as important as anyone else on the planet and if my husband cannot treat me with respect, and worse still sit by while his kids ignore me, or verbally abuse me and do nothing about it, then I have lost nothing much. Hopefully he and I will sort this out, but my confidence is coming back and I will never, never take second place in my husbands life to anyone ever again.
Please make yourself number 1, take care of yourself and your health. You may be pleasantly surprised at how things turn out, and that baby you want so badly may just happen when you least expect it. Right now I think you have too much worry on your shoulders, so take your life back, make yourself important too,it cannot be all about the husband and his needs, I made that mistake for far too long. Fingers crossed for you I hope your dreams come true, but the first step to making that happen, is for you to take care of yourself, IT IS NOT BEING SELFISH TO DO SO. The people who have been taking everything from you emotionally and physically are the selfish ones, but perhaps they don't even realise that, it has just become the way things work in your house and they are taking it for granted. Start putting your needs first, and things will change.
Wow! I felt so understood
Wow! I felt so understood when you said 'when you find that one you connect with you make sacrifices'. Of course NO ONE wants a ready-made family! When you are young, playing house and dreaming of being married and being a mommy, you aren't taught to dream of taking on someone else's life and kids! And that's what hurts the most. I feel like in falling in love, I have taken on a life and role that I detest. This is not what my dreams were made of.
'Butterfly' If you are like
'Butterfly'
If you are like me, you are tired of hearing 'this is the life you chose, you knew what you were getting into'.
No, I didn't know how much of an utter bitch BM was until she dragged us through 3 years of court and enough money spent there to buy another damn house. I didn't know that she would harass us on a WEEKLY basis, constantly ruin our plans and sign the kids up for every sport, event, trip possible to drain the accounts we already don't have. I didn't know how difficult it would be to try to instill some MANNERS and RESPECT into these not so little kids anymore. I especially didn't know that through it all, thinking I would be happy in the end when SO and I finally began our 'own' family, that it just wouldn't work. I have spent many, many nights crying myself to sleep, or taking sleeping pills from my doctor to calm my thoughts down enough just to get to sleep.
Is this seriously our calling? We're not suppose to be mothers, just mother's of other peoples children?!
Overall, I have to send you my deepest sympathies in finding you have fibroids. I swear this is every woman's nightmare. Boys are raised to be tough and to fix everything... we are raised to be nurturing so we can mother our own children one day. It has to be one of the most devastating things a woman can go through. I know.
Oh you poor thing. I'm so
Oh you poor thing. I'm so sorry you're going through this, too. Of course no one grows up thinking "yes, I totally want to raise someone else's children". I actually told my husband when we reconnected (had been friends in college) "I could never date someone with kids; too much baggage" but we can't help falling in love sometimes. It's been a helluva time the last year with the skids and BM and I don't know how we're still functioning as some sembelence of a family. I, too, wanted a child of my own. Because I chose a man with two kids I gave up that wish (unless we win the lottery-
). For one, we can't afford it and for two, I also worry how the skids would treat a child of my husband's and mine. They're already effed up enough and in therapy every week and a disaster whenever they come back from BM's. I'm sorry again that you're going through this. It just doesn't seem fair.
I have not talked to my SO
I have not talked to my SO for 3 days now, and we live in the same house. My fertility specialist has advised us that we need to be having sex starting day 10 of my cycle, every other day for 10 days. I am angry and hurt because this is 'MY TURN' to have children. How are we suppose to 'try' when his kids are ALWAYS here?!?!
Your bio sounds just like my
Your bio sounds just like my life, except I am only step-mother in legal terms. I am 100% SS's mother figure, get all of the headache and work as his mother, but get none of the damn credit.
"How did I get here", I do
"How did I get here", I do understand you. Almost completely. I met "the love of my life", someone who has treated be soo well, and has cared for me more than anyone ever has. But he came with two boys and an ex-wife that lives in our town. We have them every other week.
We should talk....!
Totally met the love of my
Totally met the love of my life who I'd known in college and when we reconnected he already had a boy (10) and girl
with some serious issues. I'd love to know how you deal with living in the same town as the BM? How do you not want to kick her ass everytime you see her???
I'm sorry you're going
I'm sorry you're going through so much right now.
I tried to conceive with my first husband, but I was never able to. We got divorced when I was 36. I didn't meet DH until I was 45...6 months after my hysterectomy (at age 44). It was very hard dealing with the fact that I would never be a mother. Sometimes it still is. At our ages, it's nearly impossible to find a GOOD man with no kids. Of course I wasn't looking for somebody without kids because I had NO idea how it would be.
I also have a wonderful husband who is very good to me and very supportive. My skids, SS13 and SD19, are nice kids for the most part. I don't have problems with them, it's their mom who is a nightmare. She's fine with me but hates my DH and alienates the skids. Because there is always drama, I started resenting the kids. I felt horrible about that, and then I found this site and realized I'm not alone and what I'm feeling is pretty common. I often wonder if it would be easier if the skids were little, but then I'd have that much longer until they're adults.
I do understand the pain of not having a child. I also understand the resentment. I do hope that you and SO are able to have a child together. I don't have much to offer, other than to tell you are not alone!! {{{Hugs}}}