OT-but really frustrated with dh about nonskid issue...
Ok-my dh is retired. Medically discharged from military-has back issues, chronic pain, ptsd, and a mild tbi. So he stays home all day. There's plenty to do at home-housework, household projects, he has several hobbies that he is able to do at home, and then of course the boring things such as nap or watch tv. The kids start coming home right around 3-so this man has 7 hours 4-5 days a week by himself.
One of his military buddies recently moved to the area (about 30 minutes away). Then this guy moves in another military buddy, another younger (like 20 years old) friend and HIS girlfriend. So, cool, none of my concern if they all want to live this communal lifestyle. However, these people or some combination of these people are at my freaking house almost everyday. Literally at least 5 days a week-staying for hours and hours-often all day. Often their day long visits last into the evening and I have to share dh during what free time I have on weekends and evenings. Ive talked to him several times about this and he promised to limit their vists to times I'm not home-this as a result of an argument we had on Friday-they were there when I got home-I had to wait for dh to extricate himself from them so we could go watch our daughter cheer. We ended up leaving them at the house as they were packing some tools up or some other nonsense. WE come back an hour later as the game was rained out-they are still hanging out in dh's shed. So then he goes out and hangs out with them ANOTHER hour before he finally comes in and acts like nothing is wrong.
Then, on Monday, the main buddy just shows up at our house at 8:30 at night-and again stays for at least an hour. I again let dh have it-his response was I didnt know he was coming and I didnt want to be rude, but he once again conceded to talk to him about not coming over in the evenings/weekends.
So today the younger couple (whom dh has only known a couple of weeks) were looking to make some money-we need some landscaping done and so dh offered to pay them to do it during the day. Fine. Im ok with that. Today is my one day of the week in which I am able to come home for lunch. May not sound like a big deal to most, but is to me as it's not a luxury I've had my whole 15 year career. I understood they would be there working which was ok as again we essentially hired them to work outside. WEll, 5 minutes from home dh calls me and lets me know (because he knows I have these things called boundaries)that they are in the house and eating lunch-they are in fact eating biscuits and gravy, sausage and bacon that the young girl cooked up in my kitchen.
My dh sees nothing wrong with this. I think its weird. As a 40 year old woman Ive never gone to someones house (especially someone I dont know very well) and cooked up a meal. I've never even gone to my parents or sibs house and used their kitchen to cook up a meal. They have a kitchen at home. They started cooking as soon as they got to my house. Why not just cook prior to coming over to work? I also think its weird that a grown man (my dh) feels the need to spend almost every day of the week with pals. Dont get me wrong-they are not drinking or partying or any of that nonsense-just spending all day bullshitting. Dh rides along when they run errands, if dh wants to clean out his shed-they all come over and help and do it with him. Every day. Its more like what you would do with your spouse. I feel like he is getting his social/emotional type needs met with all his pals all day long and there not much left for his family. To be fair, he still does household tasks (not as many as I would like but a good amount), but he also makes alot of messes-rearranging things and leaving tasks half finished and things strewn all about-he will leaves these sorts of things for weeks on end. So my house is always in disarray it seems-but he does keep up on cooking supper, dishes, writing out bills, laundry, etc-he never deep cleans-I do that on the weekends when I am off. I dont even mind that part of things, but when he spends every day with these other people, I start thinking of all the other things he could be doing.
He says he gets lonely and bored and whats the big deal? Am I overreacting?
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Well, I would certainly never
Well, I would certainly never feel comfortable cooking in a *stranger's* home, but maybe your DH assured her it was fine? Maybe he'd rather have them there for lunch as company?
Honestly, your last sentence is what would bother me. A man who is "lonely and bored" can never be a good thing, IMO.
Is there any way he can meet you for lunch sometimes during the week?
Yeah, he can meet me on
Yeah, he can meet me on Wednesdays. Part of the reason I was distressed about today.
Sorry. I'd be a little
Sorry.
I'd be a little wigged out to see a woman cooking in my kitchen, too. All I can think is maybe DH told her it was ok? But, still...
Oh, I know that he told her
Oh, I know that he told her it was fine. Again, he's sort of used to the whole communal living thing spending so many years in the military-and IMO his boundaries are sort of poor so he truly had no problem with it. But you also got to remember this is the man that let my bil and sil have the run of our house for half this year and who happened to steal us blind.
If it was my mom who needed to use my kitchen or maybe she wanted to come over and cook us a meal-i'd even feel a little weird but I'd let her-but I've never even met this woman-dh has only known her a few weeks-so, yeah I think its weird.
Ahhh, the communal living
Ahhh, the communal living thing makes sense now.
It's "no big deal" to him. I mean, kitchens are there to cook in, right?
And if he's the one cooking dinner, he probably doesn't see it as "your kitchen." Most women feel slightly possessive over their kitchen. Maybe he thinks of it as "his" since he cooks, and since it didn't bother him...well, it *shouldn't* bother you. Maybe?
I'd be disappointed to find a party in my kitchen on my lunch hour, too!
No, you're not overreacting.
No, you're not overreacting. This would annoy me too. I assume none of these people have to go to work. It doesn't seem fair that your house is used as a kind of clubhouse 5 days a week. Normally, you would expect friends to go around to each others houses, but it shouldn't be one person providing hospitality every single day. I think this would be a fair point to put to your DH.
Also, of course when you get home at the end of a long day you want to be able to relax in peace and quiet, not have a bunch of people in your house - this is totally out of order. I suppose as long as your DH is pulling his weight with chores etc, you cannot ban him from seeing his friends, but I think you can ask that it is not always at your house - and that people do not make free with your kitchen/ cooking facilities etc. in your absence.
The two military buddies are
The two military buddies are also medically retired. The younger couple, I have no idea what their issues are, just stragglers without jobs. I'm not sure if dh spent too many years living communally-through the military that he just feels he has to have someone around all the time, but I really, really like my privacy. I do admit to being somewhat anal about it. Dh cant really go over there as he cant drive due to the whole tbi thing-doctor is not comfortable clearing him at this time. We hope that changes in the future although I dont know if it will. So theyd have to come get him and then bring him back and my guess is it wouldnt be til 10pm. So my kids would come home to an empty house, unsupervised just so dh could socialize. It seems pointless to me.
I just wanted to confirm that it is weird for grown adults to spend that much free time with one another. Dh does not think its weird, but accepts taht it bothers me so is going to work on it. i have suggested that they come over a couple times a week during the day, I've offered up a monthly poker evening for him to invite all sorts of people-we also have some joint friends that we spend time with on the weekends, and I've encouraged him to hang out with other old friends to do some other type activities other than these people just hanging around all the time. If you guys remember one of my posts this past summer, these are some of the same crew that camped in my backyard for 4 days.
This is a tough one. On one
This is a tough one. On one hand its your house too and you should be comfortable with what goes on at it. But I also see his.point that he's an adult too and should he able to interact with how friends as he sees fit. How silly must he feel to tell how friends "my wife doesn't let me have friends in the house, and you have to leave before she gets home." Like his a little kid or something.
Since he obviously doesn't send them home when agreed apon, have you thought about having 'friend free days'. That way you will know that say satudays, tuesdays and thursdays that you have Dh to yourself and that he can work on projects uninterupted, and he know that he can enjoy company on the other days.
Or, ask him to sometimes go to friends house too...so its not always at your house. It might be easier to extricate himself over at the other house by saying I gotta go, than for him to try and kick his friends out of your house.
I understand the whole-My
I understand the whole-My wife says you have to go home now thing is awkward-but part of my issue is that these people ought to have some awareness that this is a man with a wife and 3 kids-they should not be so comfortable cooking meals in my kitchen, hanging out at our house when dh isnt even home, or spending all damn day here. I try to emphasize to dh that they are all in a different position-not being married and having no kids.
Is his retirement new? He may
Is his retirement new? He may be having a hard time adjusting to the slower pace and solitude. Esp if he can't even drive himself anywhere. He is probably feeling very isolated.
When I had my second baby and was on maternity leave, even though I had my two kids home with me I was still really lonely and bored all day. It was quite a change from a very physical and active job. There were times that I loaded the kids in the car and drove to the mall for no reason, just to be around other people.
I think its reasonable to request that his friends not come over on any day that you are off work, and that during the week they are gone by 7pm. During the time he's home alone, let him do as he pleases.
Problem: your DH is lonely
Problem: your DH is lonely and bored.
Solution: he needs to find something productive and worthwhile to do. I don't know if he is able to do gentle activities outside the house. If so, maybe some volunteering. Maybe a slower paced job, like working at a library. Maybe there is some work for your church he can do. Maybe there is something he can do to work at home--customer service, medical transcription, online tutoring, whatever.
Instead, he is filling his time and loneliness with a bunch of slightly deadbeat-ish sounding friends.
Of course, if he doesn't see the need to do something slightly more productive, he won't, but maybe a gentle nudge in the right direction will help.
It would deff. Bother me!!
It would deff. Bother me!! You deff. Need to put ur foot dwn!! Its ok every now n then like maybe twice a mnth for a few hours but thats too much! N if my DH friends wife cooked in my kitchen without me being there all Hell would break loose lol that to me is disrespectful.. Deff. Talk to him, yes he is retired but he is still young n a hubby n father he needs to start seeing what he can do..
wow this sucks for you! I
wow this sucks for you! I can honestly say I wouldn't be comfortable with this, but I would also not be comfortable coming across as the witch who isn't comfortable with this.
My DH is disabled law enforcement from a job injury and so he is home every day too. He watches our BS2 3 days a week and then the other two days he does whatever. Probably 1 or 2 days a week one or another of his buddies will stop over for a few hours, which I have absolutely no problem with... DH will feed them if they are hungry (grill a burger, leftovers whatever) but I can't imagine one of his buddies bringing their GF and her cooking?? I kind of don't even know why... but that's just strange to me????
I guess my biggest issue is
I guess my biggest issue is are all of these new friends distracting him from taking care of the kids when they get home?
Oh, yeah my dh gets
Oh, yeah my dh gets chronically used by people and he just never sees it. With his army buddy-I know that he does things for my dh as well-do I think dh does more for him-well, yes I do-but he does help dh too and since dh enjoys his company I've tried to let that go as much as I can-but now that there are 3 additional people in tow-that my dh didnt even know until recently I find myself more frustrated. It's not like he has a bond with these people-and yes, my dh doesnt have the best judgement.
It's part of the reason why I really dont think a job or even volunteer work is an option for him. He did try to do some volunteer work at the church-but he just couldnt even keep up with monthly meetings nor phone calls or messages to take care of things. It was overwhelming to him. The point he is at now with taking care of the house-it took us about 15 months to get here-dishes used to be overwhelming to him. He has lots of problems iwth executive functioning-you know planning, organizing, motivation and overall he has done much much better the last 3 months-in part I worry as I think all these folks are going to drag him off track-as in they seem to be lacking in motivation, planning, organization themselves.
Are you absolutely sure these
Are you absolutely sure these visits don't involve drinking/drugs? The only young people I know that hang around older disabled people do it for the pills. Maybe it's time to start keeping track of your husband's prescriptions?
Dh isnt on any narcotic
Dh isnt on any narcotic prescriptions. He does not take pain meds, benzos or anything that anybody would really want to abuse. This young man is supposedly "like a son" to dh's army buddy. He has also been alcohol free for about 5 years. His army buddy is not on narcotics either. Both of them were quite a few years ago and had bad experiences with it so both opt to not have them prescribed now. It's one of the areas they "bonded" over.
It just seems so odd.
It just seems so odd. Honestly, most of what you write about screams drugs... Three generations of "pals" camped in your yard for a week to clear/wire a shed, 20 something couples cooking in your house, FIL's a pot farmer, SIL that forges checks and open accounts in your name, a 14yo son that's not wanted by mother or father. Something is definitely not right on your husband's side
Oh I definitely know
Oh I definitely know something's not right on dh's side of the family. They are all substance abusers with the exception of my mil-who I acually thought was completely clean but I found out recently she was using meth a couple of years ago. My dh has had issues with alcohol/addiction to his pain meds in the past-which is why he is sober now. He met his exwife when he was using-she was using as well. My dh was able to leave this lifestyle behind-ex wife-his family have not wanted to leave that lifestyle. It's part of the big resentment that dh's family has with ME and dh-they think that dh thinks he's better than them now as he does not engage in substance use nor live a lifestyle of petty crime and basic irresponsiblity. He left home at 17 (which in retrospect probably saved him) but continued to party for the next 10 years or so until he decided he wanted something more out of life. They resent him because he rejects their lifestyle.
However, imo, there are holdovers to that life. Such as it WAS hard for dh to file a police report against my sil. It has been pounded into his head for so long "you dont snitch, no matter what"-that it was one of those useless thoughts or values he was still holding onto.
As far as the buddies-I dont know what to say-the only one I know is the former roommate. He is very, um, "country" maybe. I am not sure the words to describe it. Before he moved down here he lived in a little shack with about 10 cats, 7 dogs, and a bunch of chickens (inside the house). Not a bad guy, but, think maybe a more subdued version of the male honey boo boo mom. Dh said the young couple moved down here as there are no opportunities where they live and they are already putting in their apps around here just havent found anything. Said they are looking to start a new life. My dh does seem to have issues with "collecting" those that are less fortunate than himself and then knocking himself out to help them out. I think his army buddy also has the same collecting habit and has managed to find his own people that are even less fortunate than him-if that makes sense.
My dh felt as if he "owed" his family some of his benefits of his better lifestyle as they were more unfortunate. It took him a long, long time to grasp that they were more unfortunate becasue of the bad choices that they made and continue to make and he owes them nothing.
Well, theyve been friends for
Well, theyve been friends for probably 3 years or so-they were roommates in the Warrior Transition Unit. Up until about a month ago he was several hours away from us-however he still drove down about once every week-2 weeks to spend the day or so with dh. I thought it would be ok with him moving down here-I just think every week day, plus the drop ins here and there on the weekend are excessive. I get that he is bored-but heck, I am bored at work sometimes as well. I just deal with it, ya know? Like get on StepTalk or something? He has video games, hobbies, projects, etc that he overspends on to keep him busy but still prefers to hang out with buddies doing nothing.