non step issue, but one of the reasons I get so damn annoyed at dh...
Ok-so if anyone is familiar with my story-you all know dh is medically retired from the military-so he doesnt work. He has a friend that is in a similar situation-they were roommates at one point while active duty. So they spend alot of time together-well maybe they see each other 1-2 times a week and will spend most of the day together. I dont have a problem with that. Sometimes more-they help each other a lot with various projects and such.
So anyway Monday-he tells me his pal is stopping by and they are going to do some evening fishing (we have lake in our backyard) I dont have an issue with this. Then our youth pastor and 3 his 3 kids come over to go fishing as well. Well then dh's friend shows up with his female cousin-I sorta raised my eyebrows and dh said he had no idea he was bringing her he was on his way back from visiting family and she is going to stay with him for awhile. I was like, well, ok whatever but im not particularly fond of you hanging out with unattached females. I stayed in the house as I was not particularly feeling well and am not a fan of fishing anyway. Then yesterday dh's friend comes back to work on some projects they had been planning on. Im at work-I know they arrived sometime in the morning and didnt leave til late that night. The cousin came with. I didnt know unitl I pulled in my drive at 9pm and saw them leaving. I said again-that I really didnt like knowing this woman was over at my house for like 12 hours that day with no real purpose. She was just sitting around not helping according to both dh and my kids who were also home. He also told me she was going home home so it was nonissue.
So today I come home from work-the one and only day I come home for lunch-not a big deal to most I guess but its the only time in my career Ive ever been able to come home for lunch and its just on wednesday. I alwaysr remind my absent minded dh that morning that I am coming home for lunch. I walk in my kitchen and there she stands along with dh and dh's friend. dh had just prepared a meal. He asked if I wanted any-I said no thanks and walked out the back door out to my car and left.
So I'm pissy. Dh and I argue a bit. He tells me he didnt want her there either, he thought she was going home, he'd just trying to deal with it because he needs friends help with things. I tell him I've told you several days in a row that it makes me uncomfortable-there is absolutely zero reason for her to be here at all and if situations were reversed he would not be happy.
So am I just being a shrew? He said he feels like the house is not his to have over who he wants or that he even has to worry about this. I do nto think hes having some love affair with her-shes not particurly attractive, my 3 children are present at all times, heck our youth pastor and his 3 kids were present, I've never known dh to cheat-so I really, really dont think that-I just feel like it's inappropriate. That single people of the opposite sex shouldnt just hang around with other married individuals for days on end with no particular purpose. It makes me feel uncomfortable that she even WANTS to hang out here-like even if she is staying with her cousin then why not just stay at his house and relax rather than coming up and just sitting and watching them work essentially?
I have really really strong boundaries. Always have. For example, Ive never even been a little tempted to cheat on dh-never ever even felt an attraction for another man in the 13 years weve been together as I simply dont put myself in those situations. I work with mostly females-literally 2 males-one 20 years younger than me the other 20 eyars older. I dont hang out in bars and certainly not without dh-if I do something that doesnt include dh it typically includes my kids, my mom, or my one bff who is very religious and would never cheat, allow me to cheat or put herself int hat situation. I really feel like alot of the infidelinty in this world starts with people having these relaxed boundaries where guys and gals can be best friends and spend lots of time talking and hanging out. But maybe I'm old fashioned or weird.
Thoughts please?
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This. ^^^ Other arrangements
This. ^^^
Other arrangements should've been made. If DH is expecting a friend to come by & he's not sure he'll be home in time, he'll call them when he gets home & let them know he's available. There's no need for me to entertain other men without DH being there with us.
Why subject your marriage to stress or question without the need?
His intentions may not be her intentions. Regardless of what she looks like, why create an environment where things could happen that shouldn't?
Do you know how many ugly people have sex??? LOL!
Seriously though, like Echo mentioned, it's about respect for you & protecting your marriage.
Honestly, if all those people
Honestly, if all those people are there, I wouldn't worry about this one. I would be more irritated with a husband doing nothing all day. My dad was retired disability military and he still had another job and then when he couldn't work anymore, he still has a hobby that keeps him busy. Your DH needs something besides staying at home all day.
That would irritate the hell out of me.
I would not like it either.
I would not like it either. I always turn the situations around on here to see how I would feel or how I think DH would feel. I know I would not like it. And I am pretty sure DH would not like it if I was hanging out with my BFF and her male cousin tagged along all the time. Nope..not at all.
I don't see an issue with it
I don't see an issue with it on the surface.....but the sender instant you expressed your feelings should have been the end of it.
If he and this friend are this close, he should have no trouble saying hey bro, my wife isn't comfortable with cousin being here all day, so we can finish this project after her trip is over.
I agree with Echo. I will say
I agree with Echo.
I will say though it is quite disturbing that when you told him (more than once) that you did not like another woman in your house or hanging around for hours on end he did not respect your feelings.
If your DH hadn't of wanted her there he could have told his friend "hey, man if your cousin is still in town why don't we just put this off for a day or two so you all can visit".
So she has been at your house for 2 or 3 days and your DH obviously talks to this friend and he didn't know the cousin was still in town. ???
Just excuses.... You all need to have a discussion on who is allowed in your home while the other spouse is gone.
BTW, I agree on the boundaries.
I am viewing this situation
I am viewing this situation from two perspectives.
A) Your DH and your DH's friend/colleague are really good friends and just love spending time with each other. They used to hang out all the time but nowdays it is rare. Your DH's friend just happens to have a cousin visiting him and he is playing host to her. Your DH, is showing his friend's cousin an extension of that friendship.
Personally speaking, I don't have a problem with A. I do have a problem with B.
What's the difference? Sometimes, in a man's (or a woman's) career you hook up with an individual that you become fast friends with. Sometimes you may even become best friends. Even long after you both part ways (because you or your friend left the place of employ) you still maintain that friendship. You've formed a bond that has extended beyond being just colleagues. This is the kind of person that calls you up just to see how you're doing or calls you to wish you happy birthday.
Contrarilly there are other colleagues that hang with you to enjoy the "party atmosphere". I work with two ex-military guys. They *can* be a lot of fun to work with, but I oftentimes I get this empty-pit feeling in my stomach; you know...Like "Why should I be the one to remind them that they are married and have children?". Seriously, if I get roped into going out to lunch wih these guys, I cringe. They drink like fishes and gawk at other women like they were young privates on their first R&R leave. Granted I may have been like that once upon a time, but that part of my life is over. If I wanted to go out and paint the town red, I want to bring DW with me.
So looking at the situation it is written here, I do not think hismineandours is being weird or old fashioned. I am just wondering the DH couldn't suggest a lunch with ALL of you together?
You are all right-its not an
You are all right-its not an attractive vs unattractive issue. I dont think they are having sex, or that he wants to have sex with her or any of that. My issues is just-You dont do that. Although he seems to attract (not in that sort of way) people who DO do that. He doesnt have great boundaries on his own AND he finds others who dont as well. Maybe they recognize their own kind. He did understand when I told him to imagine our situations reversed. He agreed that he would not like it. He told me he did tell his pal I was having a problem with it, but said he guessed his pal just didnt take it seriously enough (which in my mind perhaps dh did not phrase it seriously enough). He has been getting lots of work done around our home that we are getting ready to have appraised so I do greatly appreciate it, but I just feel like he has no ability to set boundaries at all. He told me, "I just didnt see it as a big deal. I'd prefer her not be here either, but since i am getting alot of help from pal, I thought I'd just tolerate it".
I just wondered if honestly -I was being old fashioned. I have been at home alone with service men (often did not have a choice due to all dh's deployments and such) and not thought of it as a big deal, but i've never spent like 3 days with another male-not that dh was alone with her-there were lots of people "around"-but for much of the time it was just the three of them. He did something like this last year. He hired some friends of his friend to come over and do some landscaping-it was a guy and his girlfriend. They asked him on the way over if they could bring breakfast foods and cook themselves a meal? At noon. He said sure. I came home for lunch and there they were-her at my stove cooking up a breakfast. I was like, WTF? Again, I didnt think he was trying to have sex with her or she him-but just made me feel weird and uncomfortable. Dh gives me a hard time though because he acts like I'm unwelcoming an unfriendly to people.
No spouse should do anything
No spouse should do anything that makes you feel weird and uncomfortable. dot. period.
I have been cheated on so many times in my past relationships that I am overly sensitive. But I've told DH that if I feel bad it is not an issue of what he has done wrong (like cheating) it's the fact that his actions made me feel like crap.