I feel like a miserable person sometimes-
So this is off topic, but many of you may remember that dh is disabled (ddd, tbi, PTSD) . He gets paid a nice sum to sit at home through his various pensions, VA, etc.
Well, the problem is I believe he is addicted to volunteerism. Sounds ridiculous I know- but he surely spends more than 40 hours a week at it. This week he spent approximately 3 days remodeling a bathroom at a parsonage- not even at our church. And when I say 3 days I literally mean long days. One night he didn't get home til 10pm. So today we are having this big city wide yard sale- tons of work for us to do yet- I've been stressing about it all week. We get up this morning and he doesn't feel like working on it yet, but then gets a call from the church asking if he can deliver some potatoes to a shelter. This would probably be a 2 hour trip. I knew. He wanted to go do it, but I am sure he figured I'd also go apeshit on his ass leaving me with all this yard sale crap.
Every Monday he spends his day delivering food to the shelters. Often an all day job. I am off every other Monday. Which i spend alone. Once a month the youth grp does a big event- lasting all day or at least hours. He volunteers at this. He is going on a spiritual retreat next week for 3 days. He went to Honduras this summer. He went to Daytona with the youth this summer.
The problem is just not that he does this stuff but also that he doesn't do much at home- although he is doing better at that since we talked. Because he truly does have some physical limitations-he really has no business remodeling bathrooms,moving furniture ( which he does weekly) etc- he will then typically need. Day in bed as recovery. He is taking what energy he has and devoting it to others.
People from the church will also call randomly- they need help moving a washer or dryer or some personal task in their home. My dh is ready on the spot. When what he needs to be doing is saying sorry I can't lift more than 10 lbs. meanwhile, it is difficult to get him to pick up his underwear up off the floor at home.
Then there his friend who is his other volunteer project. This pal has some issues as well. Dh helps him financially, as well as assists him with all sorts of other daily tasks. The guy does help dh some too so that's nice, but this man operates Ina 4pm to 2 am schedule. So any help he needs or he gives dh is always during our family time when everyone is home from work and school. This happens at least twice a week- sometimes up to 4 times. I feel like I live my life around this guy who doesn't even works schedule, because he prefers to sleep in and stay up late.
So here the last month I've been constantly pissy. Dh is gone a lot. He doesn't contribute much to the household (although he is doing better this week). He is always eager to do for others, but I can't get him to do things here. Then I end up feeling like a colossal bitch because he is for the most part doing charitable work.
- hismineandours's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Sounds like he needs to be
Sounds like he needs to be needed. My husband is like that but for some reason, he fails to realize that he is needed the most at home.
My DH is like that too -- he
My DH is like that too -- he works FT, and is always helping his brother, his uncle, his parents... shoot, he used to always be available to help BM until I pointed out she relies on HIM more than she does HER OWN HUSBAND.
In the meantime, I'm left here to do all the housework, laundry, etc.
I told my DH I appreciate he wanted to help everybody out, it's a nice gesture. Then I throw in the "BUT..." he was contributing more to everyone else's household than to ours. I asked him to please re-evaluate his priorities (espesh where BM was concerned... somehow it didn't seem right that he'd be OK with changing the oil in her car but telling me I had to find the time to take mine to Jiffy Lube and then complain about how much I spent??) and start prioritizing THIS HOUSE and OUR NEEDS first. If he has time after that, he can help others out.
I've been saddled all by myself with house projects because we'd get one started and then his phone would ring. He'd take off, do the gig, then come home too exhausted to finish our project. Better yet were the times he'd volunteer for a project, then rope me into "helping" too (read: you do it).
I ended up just having to become very vocal about it in order to make him realize. We talked about it, and whenever he'd get a call, I'd straight up say, "You said you were going to do X here today, I think that takes priority over somebody else's Y"
He received more than one
He received more than one "verbal" throat punch for that stunt.
^^^This is exactly my first
^^^This is exactly my first thought^^^^^
He is going to lose his disability. Especially if it's VA, they WILL eventually get wind of all this work he's doing and they WILL review his case and decide since he can do all that he can work. The VA has been known to demand repayment, too, if they decide that it's been (for example) six months he's been doing this when he could have been working. They'll go after him to collect that money they gave him. He needs to stop.
Sigh. Certainly didn't mean
Sigh. Certainly didn't mean to turn this into a political debate. If noted- I did say that ithe physical work he does- even simple things such as carrying a box across the room causes him pain. He will then typically have an entire day spent in bed after even minimal physical labor. This is part of the issue- he only has so much ability to do anything physical- say an hour a day. If he spends it carrying sacks of potatoes then that's it- he's done. When he "delivers" he rides in a vehicle. He does not even drive due to his tbi and PTSD. He did assist in remodeling bathroom- but his friend is a contractor. I know from talking to dh that mostly he fetched tools and such. But part of my point is that these simple tasks completely wear him out and there's nothing left to give to the family. The furniture he moves are chairs. It causes him a lot of pain- he comes home and sleeps the rest of the day.
On his youth grp activities- he doesn't "do" anything. Just his presence as another adult body is useful.
He does not "work". If I led anyone to believe that then I'm apologize. It's not the physicality of it-it's just the amount of time he is gone. In fact, I believe they started asking him to be involved as they felt sorry for him sitting at home all the time. He does a lot of ride alongswith church staff. None of what he does equates into a full time job- or even a part time job.
I am afraid I'm about to get pissy- so I will leave it to say that my dh risked his life for taxpayers, got injured, and can't work. He paid into the system for years. He continues to devote much of his time to helping others on a volunteer basis. He earned his benefits- was judged 100 per cent disabled, and we literally have zero worries about him losing his benefits. But this part of the reason many veterans have trouble reentering society. If people see or hear them be functional for 5 minutes they want to declare that they don't deserve benefits. Is this what any of you would feel like dealing with after risking your life, being injured, losing your career, your physical hobbies and capabilities as well as your mental. My dh has like zero executive functioning abilities. He has spent 2.5 years doing pretty much nothing. The church has been a godsend quite literally in assisting him with getting out and improving his mood. I believe he was their volunteer project. That's part of why I feel bad bitching about it.
Sorry I will step off my soapbox. But I don't really care if you all think he's not fucked up enough to deserve his benefits. there are people that totally play the system for years, then take their benefits and buy drugs, and weigh down society. My dh is not one of these people. Ffs, I am on here bitching that he takes what abilities he does have and tries to devote it to others.
Could you agree on a solution
Could you agree on a solution like, he helps with the church on days that you are not home either that day ("work" day) or the next ("bedrest day") - and then saves all his energy for the family on the days that you are home?
For example, if you always work say Tuesday to Friday, perhaps he can help the church out Tuesday to Thursday, rest on Friday, and have the weekend with his family. So no-one is shortchanged. I hope I'm making sense...