In the beginning of my relationship with BF I often worried (fueled/reinforced in some small part by stories I read on this site) that BM would at some point realize what she had lost in BF and would try to get him back. I knew that BF stayed in the dysfunctional marriage for so long because he felt the kids needed both parents, and I wondered if he would get back together with her for their sake. I thought about these things a lot because BF (in the beginning especially) seemed to harbor so much anger toward BM--and I felt that this anger was a sign that he had not really resolved his feelings and put it all behind him.

I haven't thought about these things in a while, as our relationship has grown stronger and I feel much more stable in my position and less threatened by BM. Then yesterday BF and I were talking about a bunch of things, and it came up that FSS was less than a year old when BM told BF that she wanted a divorce (we were talking about birthdays and this other issue with a questionable bday present for FSS from BM's BF). It was then that I finally understood that BF's anger wasn't due to some anger at losing something he cared about (their marriage); it was a sort of deep, masculine sense of what is your territory (his kids). I don't think I can describe this very well, and it took me a long time to work it out myself--but yesterday it was like a light-bulb went off in my head. BF will never, ever return to BM, and I can truly lay that insecurity to rest.

On the other hand, when I came to this understanding it triggered a parallel feeling of anger and resentment toward BM for doing what she did. Again, I don't know if I can fully describe this: I don't feel defensive about BF in this case. I feel upset that, as a woman with a baby less than a year old, she was already sleeping with someone else. That means that she was likely beginning this other relationship while she was still pregnant, or right after giving birth (she's a strict believer in waiting 3 months after birth before sex again). I think I just feel disgusted as a woman; that's the only way I can describe it. Don't get me wrong, this isn't something I feel like I'd hold against BM or that I'll really think about much in the future, but in the little epiphany moment I had last night this was the second wave of emotions that overcame me. Just thought I'd share.