So relieved I'm not alone!
I cannot tell you how happy I am to not be alone in monster step-child territory! My fiancé has a 6 year old little girl and she has done everything she can possibly do to turn our family upside down. The sad part is that when I started dating her dad when she was barely 3, we got along great. She was sweet and loving and quick to help and never gave us any problems. Her POS mother is a heroin addict and we won custody from her 2 years ago. The first year she only came around 4 times and the step-monster was great! The behavior changes started coming when her mom got a regular apartment and we were forced into regular weekend visits. Her mother use this time to destroy anything good in that child. She was told she is not allowed to like me under any circumstances and that if she lied and acted up enough she would get to come live with her mommy again because her daddy doesn't even love her anyways. Sadly this child did exactly as she was told and I went from being called "mom" to my first name literally over night and she has been a constant nightmare. Well dear old mom got busted for drugs again so visits have stopped. 4 months have passed without a peep but it has t stopped the kid from fulfilling her mom's wishes. She lies non stop. Fake cries at the drop of a hat to make people feel sorry for her and she gets things from them. She admitted that she wants her dad to break up with me because I have rules and expect a level of respect from my housemates and she doesn't want to listen to me. She is a huge bully to any child whom she can't control. She said if I don't want her to treat me like crap then I am not allowed to speak to her father while she's around because it takes attention away from her. No amount of punishment has any affect on her. She steals my sons belongings and hides them. She ripped the paint off her walls "because she did nt want it white any more", and she cut her hair off twice now and flushed it to try and hide it. She's in therapy but she tells her therapist lies as much as anyone. She destroys her clothes and toys because I paid for them and she is the mouthiest little snot on the planet. Just today I asked her when she planned on acting right like she keeps saying she will and she said "before I'm a teenager" and I said "you're not even going to try at all right now?" And she said no. She likes acting this way. She said hurting people makes her happy. Wtf kind of 6 year old kid thinks this way?!!!
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Well the way I see it, I can
Well the way I see it, I can be a damn good stepmother or I can be a damn good wicked stepmother. Which one I am depends on SD's actions and she knows it. She was a little shit for a long time and believe me, she totally regrets it and is very careful what she does nowadays. Unfortunately, the damage is done and once you're stuck in wicked stepmother mode it's hard to go back.
Dad needs to be parenting
Dad needs to be parenting right now and you need to disengage. Do NOTHING for that child. Don't make her meals or take her any where until she shows you respect. Also - I wouldn't marry this man until this stuff is worked out because it NEVER goes away. He needs to be on your side and supportive. United front. Sit down with him and say, 'This is how I feel. And I'm taking the steps of disengaging from her until she can show me the respect that I deserve as an adult' If he doesn't understand that you're with the wrong guy. HE needs to step up and take care of his daughter. And he needs to lay down the law. Stop being step mother of the year because the fantasy is over. Now be 'other adult that lives in the house'. If she messes something up - leave it for her Dad to clean up. Don't take her any where with you or your son. Do not reward her ANYTHING. It's as if she isn't there. Research on this site - the steps for disengaging. THIS is what you need.
As for her - the kid is begging for structure and discipline. That's why she's acting out. Rules and structure make a child feel secure and she does not feel that. Her Mom is in and out of her life. She feels like anyone could leave at any time - including you. That doesn't make her behavior okay, though. She's pushing people away. She's entitled. No doubt because people try to make up for 'Mommy being away'. Well that shit needs to stop. And you need to explain that to your husband. No more spoiling. No more she gets all the attention.
If you want to marry this guy - Marriage is the first priority which is hard in a step relationship and children are the first responsibility. He needs to show her that you are not on the same level as her. There is no 'fight for his attention.' Because there's no contest. You are on the throne next to him and she is a child who is loved but there's no competition.
Seriously. Disengage. You shouldn't have to deal with that.