What’s “just kids” and what’s “this kid”?
Nothing major has happened lately (we'll see if that changes when school starts next week), but I have some rambling thoughts.
Sometimes I really have trouble distinguishing between normal kid behavior and what's specific to SS13. I don't have children. I do have a nephew (19) and nieces (17, 14, 12, 11, 10), but I see them infrequently, when they're at their best. My sister used to complain about Niece17's attitude, but whenever I saw her, she beamed and chatted and was delightful. But that strikes me as pretty normal -- save the ugly side for your parents. 
Anyway, SS is sullen. Rarely speaks, even when spoken to. He never shows interest in anything. DH offered to get him some new stuff for his room (posters, etc.) and there was no sign of gratitude or even interest. DH will take him somewhere fun, like the driving range, and SS couldn't care less.
None of this is exactly new. Ever since I've been around, I don't think I've seen the slightest excitement or enthusiasm. Even birthday or Christmas. It's all flat emotion or outright shrug as he opens a gift.
So, pretty sure it's not all being a teen. He was doing some of this at 6.
Occasionally, DH will criticize me for my lack of relationship with SS. Looking back, yes, I could have tried harder. But I genuinely think he's not an easy kid. He's spoiled, entitled, shows zero interest in or enthusiasm for anything. It's hard to connect with someone who is so insular and self-absorbed.
Another annoying thing is DH. He complains about SS's attitude and personality. Yet when SS is here, he's all "I thought we could go do this. Is that ok? Would that be fun?" Instead of "Hey, we're eating soon, so I need you to take your shower" it's "We're going to eat soon. So you can take your shower whenever you want, ok? Does that sound good?" Or talking about various things he wants to buy SS in hopes of pleasing him -- then being pissed off when Ss shows zero gratitude. Doesn't seem to get that his groveling is just adding to the spoiled brat problem.
At least DH does punish SS for wrongdoing, unlike BM. SS isn't a rotten kid. He hasn't done anything truly horrible. He's just not terribly likeable. I just keep having this unsettled feeling about him. That there's just something under the surface that is not pleasant. And that he's going to grow up to be someone I don't want to be around.
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That's how my husband acted
That's how my husband acted around his kids too. Him asking the kids permission... Is it ok if you do this. To me it's placing the child into the adult role and then they wonder why the kid ends up being in charge
Exactly. My parents were and
Exactly. My parents were and are awesome. Not strict or authoritarian. But I can't recall them ever asking one of us "ok?". At least not when we were kids. Even my indulgent grandparents never did that. If they ever wanted our opinion of something, fine. But there was never any hint of needing our permission or approval for anything.
It's like a switch turns on
It's like a switch turns on with these men. Kid comes around and suddenly they are bending over backwards to please them. "Is this ok?" "Is that ok?" "Whatever you wish!" "Would you like this or that?" "Hey I made special plans for us..."
It would be nice if WE got some of that consideration, since we are always the ones cleaning up the mess.
Anyway, he's just an unlikeable kid who will grow up into an unlikeable adult. I used to think LI's personality was just a teen phase. Nope. She's still immature, lazy, self-absorbed, and has never had a single deep thought in her entire life. I think when they get to teens it's pretty much set in stone who they are going to be. They might get a bit better with age, but the rotting core remains.
People are different
I used to feel guilty that I wasnt enthusiastic about YSS. No big problem but he was the spoiled baby of the family and DH overlooked many of his shortcomngs. He wasnt a bad kid, actually had and has a witty, engaging personality that draws people in,. It's made him a highly successful salesman and he's a great father.
The bottom line is, he's just not my kind of person. The feeling is probably mutual. I've stopped feeling guilty about it. It's like at work - you like some people, others not so much tho they aren't bad people. But you can work with them all.
Your SS may just not be your kind of people.
I wish SS was witty and/or
I wish SS was witty and/or engaging. I might actually be able to scrape up some positive feelings for him. Instead he's either irritating or just -- there.
Occasionally when he was younger he would indicate an interest in some topic. Once it was WWII. DH and I were pleased, as I wrote my senior thesis on the subject and still read about it. SS and I started talking about it, but when it became clear to him that I knew more than he did, he shut down. (I wasn't rude or dominating. I just knew some things he didn't and told him a few stories, thinking he might find them interesting and may try to learn more about those topics.)
Aside from witty and engaging.....
Aside from being witty and engaging, YSS is also sarcastic, sneaky and can be cruel to those who don't match his superficial standards, like fat, old and disabled people. He is also financially untrustworthy.
Lovely.
Lovely.
I haven't seen signs of cruelty (yet) in SS, but he's definitely sneaky, sarcastic, lacking in empathy and untrustworthy.
My OSD had one of those
My OSD had one of those "Wednesday Adams" personalities.. she was very reserved.. wouldn't ask anything.. or say anything.. would make her younger sister speak for her. It's not that she was outright rude.. but ther undercurrent of her not liking things was palpable.
As an adult now.. it's a bit clearer that she is very materialistic.. and judgmental.. and that she is painfully self aware and embarassed.. she feels her parents didn't treat her well enough with material things.. and that she deserved better.
Life has a way of teaching you lessons though.. she started dating a guy and was all jazzed because her like her thought appearances and what you wore were important.. now.. she has 2 kids by him.. he is a jerk and she is stuck pretty much.
If he's like this at dad's
If he's like this at dad's but not mom's it could be PAS.
You don’t have…you will never have .. that motherly
Parent feeling for SS. To you he's another person to DH he's part of him. Also DH is guilty for divorcing and distroing SS happy family Happy life. You have no part in any of this. You could actually do nothing .. you didn't creat the problem so you can't fix it
People tend to match energy
People tend to match energy of those they are interfacing with. It is soul sucking to try to remain upbeat when you are interfacing with someone with an incurable case of the Eyore complex.
Flat, no zest, no pleasant energy, nothing appealing about them. You are doing what most related to these types do.
SS isn't a rotten kid. He hasn't done anything truly horrible.
That does not make him someone anyone else wants to be around. Why waste any time or energy having his lack of appeal draining you?
When these types suck the joy out of the room any time they are aound it turns everything into an "Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" event.
Or in other words, any time he is around it is an "Other than SS's usual mopey joy sucking bullshit, it was okay." event. Just his presence turns something amazing into nothing better than Okay.
I would not have him in my life anymore than absolutely necessary if I were you. He does this on purpose, he is manipulative, and he is toxic. Purge it.
If daddy wants to flush his joy down the drain that is his morose energy/joy black hole of a failed family spawn, that is on daddy. Not your spawn, not your problem.
Take care of you. Don't waste any of your joy on him.