BM had asked DH if she could take YSS to the beach with a group yesterday, she would have him home by 3:30. DH agreed. Not a good idea for a couple reasons: 1- last time BM was allowed to do something with YSS on OUR time she didn't bring him home, she brought him to MIL because she was ready to bring him back an hour earlier than she told us and DH and I weren't home. My 3 were...but apparently when it's not on HER time, SS14 and SS12 can't be alone in THEIR home (the one they live in 90% of the time). 2- DH told her we wouldn't be home at 3:30 because we had to take BS to a medical appt in a town 2 hours away. Again...bad move...why tell her we won't be here? And she does not need to know anything about BS. I told DH...why did you tell her? Two of the three cars we own would have been home, she would not have known neither of us weren't there, now you are going to get a shitstorm. DH responded "she said okay. It's Friday night hanging, she doesn't want to have the kids." I didn't argue....thought to myself, "okay...watch...you will see that this will go down badly just like I said"

OSS asked if he could go for a mountain bike ride on the trails. Woke DH up about 11 a.m. and DH said okay, but don't be long. I get home and we are getting ready to leave. We leave at 1:45 p.m. OSS STILL not home. I leave money for pizza for OBD to order and pay for pizza for the four older kids. OBD is also told that when OSS comes home she is to have him call his father. They are perfectly capable of being home alone for the day. We would be back by 7:30 pm at the latest.

DH and I take off with BS. At 5:30 pm we still have not received a call from OSS stating he was home. I call OBD and ask. She says neither of the boys are home, she hasn't seen either of them. She ordered pizza and her and her sister were eating. Now we are worried...where is OSS?? Call a friend we thought he was going riding with...friend hasn't seen him since the morning when he stopped by to see if he wanted to go biking.

We are on our way home at this point and wondering what the hell happened. Suddenly, DH gets a text message from BM. YSS is at your mother's. OSS has his acne medication that he is to start taking. DH responds,"why is YSS at my mother's? We agreed you could take him and you were to bring him home afterwards" BM responds "Your mother called me and told me OSS was there and to bring YSS over so they wouldn't have to be home alone. They don't like being home alone. Why is it a big deal if they are at your mother's instead of home alone?" Response: "Because you don't get to make those choices on MY time. He was to be brought HOME. This is the second time in a row now that you did not do what you agreed to when I allowed YSS to do something with you on MY time, therefore it is the LAST time. You will no longer be taking him anywhere when he is with me." BM "you'd rather your boys be home all alone. They don't like being home alone. They'd rather be with your mother or at my house" Response: "That is not your choice to make. You didn't not do what you were supposed to . I am not arguing this with you. It is the LAST time." And after that ignored the responses from her.

DH calls MIL. "Why is OSS there? And why is YSS there?" (Now mind you, DH hasn't spoken to his mother since her bullshit on last Sunday) MIL responds: "YOU LEFT AND NEVER TOLD YOUR KIDS WHERE YOU WERE GOING!! I don't want them home alone. They are here, and wanted to spend time with me. I am ordering pizza and they will eat here." DH responds, "No. They are to get their asses home. YSS was supposed to be dropped off at home at 3:30. OSS was on a mountain bike ride and was supposed to not be gone long and come home. He left this morning, and I have not heard from him yet. The only reason I know where he is, is because you and BM came up with a plan. There is dinner at home waiting for them. They are to go home NOW" Psycho MIL starts screaming at DH. DH says this is not your choice. You don't know the whole story or you are making up a new one to fit your wants.

Needless to say...I am PISSED...DH is PISSED. At both the boys, and MIL and BM. I hand my son a movie and earphones and tell him to put them on and watch, we will be home before it's even over (not wanting him to hear the discussion that will be occurring) . I look at DH and say, "alright, so what are we doing about this?" Well it's not really YSS's fault that he isn't home. His mother brought him there. No, DH, it is his fault, as he KNEW he was to come home. We discussed that with him last night and again this morning before he left. That we would be gone, but that he was to call and let us know he was home and that OBD would be here getting dinner for everyone. Don't for a minute think he didn't hear BM and MIL talking on the phone and say "I want to go to Grandma's!" So I think the logical thing here is that from now on, he will NOT go anywhere with BM extra on OUR time. This is twice now in a row that we agreed to let him do something he wanted to do with BM and twice that it did not end as agreed upon.

So DH, what do we do about OSS? Well I don't care that he was at my mother's, but he should have at least called. I say, "Well DH, the issue is not just that he was at your mother's, which is an issue and I will get to that. The big issue here is he was told yes he could go for a ride, but not to be gone long so we could chat with him and discuss the rest of the plans. He did not do what he was supposed to do and he is not where he is supposed to be. He was supposed to come home. Also, he never bothered to pick up a phone at your mother's and even ask if it was alright that he hung out over there and that he WAS there. Even if he had been at friend's house like we originally thought, he did not do what he was supposed to, and he was not where he was supposed to be, and he did not check in. The next issue is after the scene your mother made in front of the boys, it is not appropriate for them to be in that environment. Especially since you and your mother have not spoken. And when she is going to behave the way she did, then her contact with the boys needs to be limited, until she can figure out that it is inappropriate, wrong and change her behavior. Coincidentally....DH's phone rings....MIL screaming "DON'T YOU BE MAD AT OSS FOR BEING HERE! HE WAS LEFT ON HIS OWN FOR THE DAY! WHAT KIND OF PARENT TAKES OFF ON THEIR CHILD AND TELLS THEM NOTHING!! ALL YOU DO IS PICK ON THAT KID!!!" and she proceeds to hang up. I could hear her. I look at DH and say, "and that is my point right there."

We get home, and have a conversation with SSs. What they did that was wrong. And that what they experienced at grandma's on Sunday, how they felt about it, and why it was wrong. OSS says "grandma thinks and says you don't do anything with us." Okay, so here is a part of the problem also...why is she talking that way to the boys? She has no business doing so. We do lots of things with the kids, however we do not occupy they 100% of the time. And yes there are times, that DH and I will take time to do something for just us, but that is what any married couple with children do, regardless of if it's a blended family or not. That if DH and I were the parents of all of you kids, it would still be something we do, because that is a part of being a parent and having a family. Our relationship is the priority, and in order to be the best parents we can be, we need time for ourselves. Also, often we (DH & I) are sitting in the living room and you kids are all scattered throughout the house and/or yard and we have to track you down to say, "we are going to take a little walk" so therefore they also choose to do things without us. We also explained that when you are with us, BM is not your parent that has authority to make decisions for you. That grandma never has authority to make decisions regarding you unless we leave her in charge of you. In our home, the parents are us, and we make the decisions, the rules, the consequences. BM and grandma have no say in our home or how we run our home, in the same way that we have no say in the rules, decisions, etc that occur at BM's house. That is her home, and ours is ours. That due to either them not telling grandma the whole story, or grandma making up her own story, right now we are not comfortable with them being exposed to that kind of behavior and that because of that, they will be staying away from grandma's.

They also have some of their freedoms restricted at the moment.

I was actually happy and impressed that we got through that with no argument between DH and I. That again I think he sees the chaos and toxicity his mother brings to our family, and that boundaries are necessary. I also think he is getting to the point to stop giving BM the benefit of the doubt and that she has no say in our home and if she tries to infiltrate it, to just shut her right down. So maybe this counseling is starting to work? In the meantime...the kids go to their other parents' tomorrow for a week...I'm looking forward to it. Hopefully that will mean an entire week of no contact with MIL and by BM. Here's to hoping!