This is where I was told to go......:(
Hello,
I've asked many people "where do I go for help?"...and I've said so many times "I need somewhere to fall". My heart is in two and my outlook is growing more dim.
I'm a mother of 2...married to a wonderful man who has 2 children of his own. My children live with us (visits with dad every other weekend), and his children live with us the same. So, to his children, they portray it as..."we live at dads all the time, and we never get to see mom".
We wish that ss/sd could live with mom full-time, but she states "I just can't do it". So sad. SS/SD are angry and I understand this wholeheartedly, but unfortunately I suffer from their anger.
There are many issues that their mother deals with, both medically and mentally, and for a long time I have tried to remain understanding and calm. (mainly in hopes that she could get help and have the children back living with her). Unfortunately, the last month she has said some things that have hurt more than anything, and I'm to the point where....I just don't want to be around when SS/SD are home. They are disrespectful towards me and in the past I always understood that it was because of them being confused, angry, etc. But I feel like i've had enough of it.
He has been divorced from her for 5 years, and I am the first woman to be in their life other than their mom. Their mom had an affair and ended up moving in with different men over the years and the childrens behavior is so text book.
I just don't know what to do about my role, my feelings, my need to protect my 2 children, and just the fact that I'm crying a lot and wishing that things were different.
Their father does his best and is always understanding......but he has to work, and I take care of the kids full-time. I need help with my feelings so I can take control of this situation and be a positive person in this family. Not, run-down and sad.
Any advise?
P.s. I"m still learning the abbreviations....ss sd...dm...etc.
h6not3
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h6not3
Welcome to this site.. It is very insightful and full of information.
The only advice I have is they live there so set rules and set rules with them understanding that they follow them or there are consequences. Period. That is my advice.. Especially if your husband works a lot, and you are the sole person in the house with them. Set boundaries and make there be consequences..
Peace to you
happy
It's funny I seem to have so
It's funny I seem to have so much 'clarity' when looking at someone else's situation.....and as I think about the words I'm about to type...I realize that I don't take my own advice. SO I'm reluctant to give it...but here it goes anyway....
I think the kids still are acting out from divorce hurt...and the pain their mother has caused them by not being there they way they need her too... it shows itself in thier anger & attitude. It can't be easy for them. I think every kids longs for the storybook family..who lives happily ever after. When they don't end up with that...It's easier to shit over the outsider than sort out all the love/hate mix of emotions they have ....
If the kids are young enough..my advice is. Try to keep communication open, cut down on the disrespect....they don't have to love you or even like you but you are an adult and they are children..it is your home..they have to be civil. It's so hard. I've gotten to the "I don't want to be around her" stage with my oldest sd....so it's hard for me to tell you...to make nice anyway..when I don't think I can even do it myself.
One hurtful act...causes another..ect...and then you get 'stuck'..
But you are the adult...try to separate... that their emotions'actions may not be directed at YOU PERSONALLY .... just that you happen to be the person that was shoved into their lives...without any say. And if it wasn't you, it would, be Jane Doe having to endure their 'acting out'.....
I was taking everything personally...too...but I stopped.
I think you can still be understanding but also be firm in the respect department. You have the co-operation of your husband, that's a bonus. What if you set down...write out family rules...and...spell out the consequences...so it's not about them vs you when they get lippy...it's about breaking 'the house rules' and like most rule of sociaety....they apply to everyone!!!
Talk to the kids about thier feelings ..ALL THE TIME......
...sometimes expressing them..it helps them 'sort them out'.. (like on this site)
#1 RULE...... don't take it personally,
...don't forget they have their own wounds to lick as well...and it may have nothing to do with YOU as a person....
Thank you lovin-life
My husband is very laid back and nothing can hurt his feelings, because he has that "it can only get better" attitude. Which is AWESOME, but not good when i'm feeling so down.
You are so right when you say that I can't take it personally. Unfortunately, after a sudden unexpected visit from their mom, she told us that she is tired of the kids telling her how much they "hate" me. That is what has crushed me like a boulder. I haven't been able to think of anything else but that, and when i play her words back in my head, i begin to cry. I didn't know that they felt this way, and I know that they are just very angry that they can't be with mom.....but to hear those words were pretty tough.
The kids are all treated the same, but the reason for their dislike towards i think is because of the rules being different in each houshold, and I'm the one that usually enforces them here. Not that my husband doesn't, i'm just being the mom. ie....."It's time for bed"..."go get your pj's on"...."finish your homework first"..etc.
Anyhow, I need to get tough, and I think that I have just fallen off the mountain and i need to get back up. Maybe it's a whole year of holding it inside and i'm just letting it all out on this blog.
Thanks again for responding. I will use your adise
h6not3
Don't give those 'hate'
Don't give those 'hate' words too much weight. Sometimes kids will tell people/parents what they want to hear. Maybe they think ...If they tell thier mother how horrible you are...maybe she'll fight for them...come to their 'rescue'... and they'll get thier fairy-tale life back ..you never know what goes on in their minds.
Besides, kids hate this one..one day .. and are best friends with them the next day.......did you think of that?
And how much weight do you normally give to what thier mother says anyway? She could be exaggerating...or making it up...or taking something that was said in a moment of anger and blowing it up into fact. Does she run to you when they have praise for you? Probably not....
My X's GF won them over...(they still complain about her from time to time..but they complain about me too and their Dad and my BF...especially when they don't get thier own way..it's what kids do)...by being interested in them..by doing things with them..by talking with them...... (they are 13 & 11, if you don't know and she has been around for 1 1/2 or so..)
Good Luck!
Thank you happy
Wow, a sense of releif just from having someone respond. I met my their father a year and a half ago. When we moved in together (june 06), setting rules and molding the family together seemed to go much smoother than it is now. They understood the rules than, but they are having a great deal of problems with them now. Do you think it's because of it all catching up to them? Rules being different at their moms? Their ages (SS SD) are 9 and 7. It seemed like they were excited for rules back then and maybe because dad was doing this alone before me and they didn't have all the "mom" type of rules, and now they are feeling rebelious?
I don't know and lately it's just been a whole nightmare full of nasty comments from the kids. My only response is silence and finding something to do outside of the house ie....xmas shopping. I think I could fill this page 8 times over with stories. Just as everyone else could.
So, i'm just trying to vent the best I can. Also because it's amazing how time flies when you are sitting in front of the computer all morning! Holy cow do I have laundry to do!
Thank you again for your reply.
h6not3
It will all work out..
Just remember if it were easy to be in our shoes everyday the world would be alot different. I wish you some peace and joy for the holidays. And be patient with them some of that is probably anger at there biomom because they are not living with her full time and all. You know.. SO be patient with them. I can tell you I would never have been able to live without my mom.. I love her so much..
I promise you will get thru this. What is that saying
"what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger"
When my X's GF moved in with
When my X's GF moved in with him...same kindof reaction with my kids. Excited at first..then resentful..etc... They've come full circle...they've gotten used to the changes in the household..they like her..and all is good.....so don't give up!!!
Just hearing that things
Just hearing that things have come full circle makes me have a little more hope.
thanks
Welcome!
It sounds like you definitely need to take a load off here....don't worry, the laundry won't die
I wish there were an easy answer, but unfortunately there's not. It's hard. That's why you have to vent sometimes. Maybe try to think that kids just say "I hate you" when they don't know how to explain that what they really hate is the situation. I hope you have a very happy holiday season. Peace and welcome aboard!
Thank you....your words are kind
I definately needed to take a load off! I'm also feeling like I need to call the hubby and apologize greatly for falling apart this morning. Yesturday was the last straw and while getting 3 of them off to school this morning....more comments and attitudes came at me, and I became an emotional mess when I got back from taking them to school. And, I loaded it all on him. I feel bad that I sent him off to work that way....mainly because I know that he is worried about me.
I feel that I have needed advise for a while but beleive it or not, we have no divorced,step-parent,step-child, friendships in the area. All the mom's in our neighborhood are text-book married for the first time mom's with no idea on how to understand my issues.....so i obviously have not shared them. I kept them inside.
Thanks again!
Welcome!
There are no magical incantations, no special pills, no secrets to living the perfect life here, but you will find lots of helpful tips, suggestions, advice and opinions from lots of well-meaning people going through similar things. I can tell you that my outlook on my personal situation has changed a lot in the several weeks since I found this site and sometimes just having a place to go to cry it out and get it off your chest works wonders. Being at home with four kids is a trial in itself, whether those kids are steps or bios. We have five in total, his three and our two. We don't have his three full-time, but when we've had long visits with them, there were days when I felt like crawling in a closet and hiding. We can all relate!
My feeling on your role is that as a step-parent in a household where the biological father has primary custody, you are a co-parent. That gives you equal parenting rights and authority. If you are getting them off to school in the morning, washing their clothes, fixing their meals and doing everything else a "mother" would do for her children, then you have every right and also the responsibility to dicipline those children as if they were your own. You have a right to be respected in your own home, especially since you are doing so much for these children that are not even biologically yours and to whom you have no legal obligation. Now, I draw the line with any type of physical punishment... I'll swat my own kids on the butt, but not my skids and I wouldn't want anyone buy my husband or me to spank our two. You are an adult in the household and you have every right to be treated as such. How would you handle it if it was one of your children treating you this way? My son smarted off to me recently and he found himself losing TV for the rest of the week. I'd have no problem handling that situation the same way were it one of my skids. One thing I believe in strongly is that adults will not argue with children. There's no negotiation. We have rules, those rules apply evenly to all five children and breaking those rules have consequences. End of discussion.
YOU can make things different! Hang in there!
~ Anne ~