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The holiday return.

Growingthroughthis's picture

Submitted by Growingthroughthis on Fri, 05/18/2018 - 7:45am

Hi this is my first time blogging so bare with me. I'm a 29 yo mum to my 9 yo BD and step mum to my 9 yo SD. I have been with my partner for 5 years.

I feel that you need to know a bit of background history to advice me, so here is my attempt of cutting it short. 

BD- lives with us for 5 days a week and is at BF house 2 days a week-Monday and Tuesday.

SD- lives with BM Monday-Thursday and our's Friday-Sunday

My partner and I work 5 days a week and have every weekend free with both the children. 

We introduced the children gently and gradually introduced SD to our home roughly 4 years ago. Things were great to beginning with we all got along, the children had their moments of finding authority but we didn't  expect any different, 2 different characters being chucked together and expected to get along. As the time went on SD behaviour started to change she became angry when she would not get her own way, she would not listen when being spoken to, she would become aggressive and smash things in the house, she would shout and she would scream, there would be no way to reason with her, you could not talk, discipline, ignore or compromise. This behaviour did also happen at her BM home too. When SD was asked why she would say BF did not spend time with her and that she did not feel included within our family. We listened and we changed the way we did things. This did help, but we still continue to get the outbursts when she is not getting her way or does not like the way things are being done. Annually the same I don't spend time with my dad and   Not feeling part of the family. We all worked together to help her through these angry outbursts with counting techniques, writing pads I suggessted to seek professional advice but BM was not happy with my input. Things have got better, we moved house gave the children their own rooms their own space. SD still continues to push her BF limits every weekend over simple things such as both children not being allowed to make slime escalating in to doors being slammed and a meltdown for 45 minutes.

Please do not read this and think I am just slamming SD. My BD can be a right nightmare just like any other child, but once you continue to read you will see why I need your advice.

We have just been on our first family holiday which was great, memories made and an unforgettable time for all. 

Kids and ourselves were disappointed in returning home, the normal it's gone to quick, we've had so much fun. 

Yesterday evening SD BM called my partner and said the SD does not want to stay at ours anymore because she feels that she does not spend enough time with BF, that I am his priority, that she feels that she get a treated differently. 

I am so confused my partner is disheartened as we have just had an incredible holiday. 

 

Anybody with any thoughts on what is going on please feel free to comment xGTTx

Comments

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Fri, 05/18/2018 - 7:58am

Does your SD and her father spend any alone time together? On some weekends he should try taking her out just them two for lunch, go to the park, or shopping. Something that its solely for them so that she feels she can enjoy that quality time with him. Maybe do this twice a month or whatever you both see fit. I know its not easy but she seems to want attention from him. As far as the behavior always address that and make sure there are consequences. Your SD and BS need consistency. Hope this small suggestion helps. Wishing you well.

 

Growingthroughthis's picture

Submitted by Growingthroughthis on Fri, 05/18/2018 - 8:07am

Thank you. 

They do spend one on one time regularly, every Saturday he takes her to gym and after they spend hours together just the two of them, wether that be playing outside, building lego, making dens. He takes her to do things on her own such a football games, rock climbing to the park. I feel it's more of what is the expectation? Nobody stops them from having time together, it's more that the family time is not wanted. Or I could be way of the mark? I'm just confused. Smile

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

Submitted by dysfunctionally... on Fri, 05/18/2018 - 8:13am

Sometimes you have to take a look through the perspective of an intact family. Imagine a child saying to dad you like mommy better. Seems ridiculous doesn't it? 

What appears to be good here is that your adult relationship is number 1. That is how it SHOULD be. In all families, there is family time then adult time. Sometimes the adults participate with one on one activities with the kids. Not always! 

First your DH needs to set the record straight with your SD. THEN he needs to enforce the CO. At no point does a CHILD dictate what happens in your home, period! 

 

Coco72's picture

Submitted by Coco72 on Fri, 05/18/2018 - 11:11am

In my opinion it sounds like that is how BM feels, and probably not completely how your SD feels and BM is projecting this onto SD. 

As far as SD feeling like she is being treated differently.....this is a big pet peeve of mine......of course she is treated differently, not because she is a "step" but because all kids are different and should be treated as individuals!! I have 3 bio daughters, they did not all get treated the same. 

Growingthroughthis's picture

Submitted by Growingthroughthis on Fri, 05/18/2018 - 2:53pm

I am not the type of person to point a finger, but this thought has crossed my mind. There has been several times that BM has tried to control things that are no involvement of hers. Unfortunately my partner is too timid to pull her up on it. 

thanks for your advice very much taken on board. 

marblefawn's picture

Submitted by marblefawn on Fri, 05/18/2018 - 11:27am

When I read that you have two girls of the same age in the mix, I had a feeling where your post was going!

No two kids behave the same even when they both get the same input. SD's outbursts are who she is and while it's awful, she's a venter! And the input is never going to truly be the same - different parents, different DNA, different environment for part of each week.

That doesn't mean that you aren't doing everything the way you should be. And it really sounds as if you are doing all the right things to expect a good result. But maybe SD is just a person less satisfied with her lot in life than BD. That's going to be a hard cross to bear for all of you, but mostly for her in the long run.

I look at my biological sister and me and I wonder if the milkman was involved for one of us!

 

Growingthroughthis's picture

Submitted by Growingthroughthis on Sat, 05/19/2018 - 4:29am

I love how different the kids are there are days where SD is beautiful and BD I want to scream at! But this is what makes them who they are. I wouldn't want to change her just help her through all this anger and make her understand everyone is different. 

You've made some very valid points that me and my partner have taken from this. 

 

Thank you x