This Pretty Much Sums It Up, No?
Minnesota judge has 200 blunt words for divorcing parents.
By Judge Michael Haas, 2001
"Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault.
No matter what you think of the other party - or what your family thinks of the other party - these children are one-half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an "idiot" his father is, or what a "fool" his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are telling the child half of him is bad.
That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.
I sincerely hope that you do not do that to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your children will suffer."
Some words on PAS that I found. What are your thoughts?? Agree? Disagree? Anything you would add or remove?
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Comments
I agree. 13 years of wise
I agree. 13 years of wise words, and people still involve the children in their hate feud.
So many litigants have
So many litigants have personality disorders and act them out through litigation. This is what most family litigation is.
I agree. Sadly far too often
I agree. Sadly far too often in a blended family situation one parent or the other, if not both, is toxic and the facts of the situation are the only way to protect the child from the toxic half of their gene pool.
Sometime the facts are the only way to deal with a kids confusion and heartbreak over a toxic parent.
e.g.
"Your dad cannot visit you because he is in prison for XYZ and LMNOP."
"Your mom can't visit you because she has decided to have a new family with a new husband very far away."
^^^Yes!
^^^Yes!
Well, God forbid anybody use
Well, God forbid anybody use some common sense or think of their child rather than their hatred of the other parent.
This is why DH did not fight BM on every little thing, even though it might have cost him time with his daughter. Although it would have "looked good", it wasn't necessarily in SD's best interest.
BM is one who took her kids to court with her, saying it was all DH's fault, and turn everything into a big traumatic experience. She even took SD to court with her when she and DH got divorced. But DH is the asshole (according to her).
I don't know. I want to agree
I don't know. I want to agree with not flat out calling someone's mom or dad an idiot while the kid is young. But as they get older, I think we should tell the truth from our perspective. I don't agree that we are half mom/half dad. We are all individuals. Just because you came from someone, it doesn't mean that you have to be like them. And there comes a time when we have to stop identifying with our parents and become our own person. Also, sometimes crazy skips a generation. (I hope that's true for SK's sake!
It all comes down to choices, in my opinion. I respect my ex as a person and a father because he doesn't make poor choices that affect our kid. If he did, I would tell my kid that, if for no other reason than to teach him right from wrong. But then again, I explain things to death to my kid and use everything (including the behaviors of family and friends) to teach my values.
While I agree that quite
While I agree that quite often one parent is high conflict (we deal with one all the time), I don't think that's really the message here. It's not a ruling, it's just a statement saying you shouldn't bash the other parent to the child. If you have conflict with the other parent, that's your conflict and not something for the child to have to worry about. If there are unhealthy examples of behaviour being made by one parent, the ideal solution would be to seek counselling for the child so they can express and identify their feelings to a professional who is unbiased. This is just a friendly opinion by the way, I'm not one of those crazies who wants to start a fight
In regards to my ex...I
In regards to my ex...I decided years ago that I love my kids more than I hate my ex.
In regards to BM and SD13....i am at a loss. I really am. I wish she was a better mom and here for her as I do not want to be her "mom".