I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO!?
I need some help! I don't get to come to this site very often, but when I do, I get really good advise and I could really use some now.
SD14 lives full time with her mom and we only get to see her every other weekend. She has always been pretty good (distant to me, but pretty good with her dad). Well, SD just started high school this year and it seems like she has turned into this deamond daughter from hell. A lot of things have happed to her in the past few months, she has her first REAL boyfriend, she has had a friend try to commit suicide, and has not seen her step sister in about a year now. She racked up BM cell phone bill from being on the phone non-stop. When she is at our house, she will pretty much stay in her room with the door shut and talk on the phone or chat online to all of her friends all day and I do mean ALL DAY AND NIGHT! Well BM took her cell away from her indefinately and she was obviously not happy with that. She had been disrespecting her before, but now it has been brought to a whole new level. Well, this weekend, when we went to drop her off, DH and BM sat her down ( I stayed in the car) and attemped to have a talk to her about her attitude. She told them that they did not deserve to know what was wrong with her. She kept trying to leave the room and crying out of controle. They never got anything out of her. Later that evening BM caught her on a cell phone, one that she had borrowed from her friend at school, she had been using it at our house all weekend instead of "reading a book she had to read for school". DH decided that she should be limited to the home phone 1 hr a night, no cell phone and no internet unless it was school related, which means no laptop, she can only use the house computer in the livingroom where BM can see her. DH tried calling SD 2 times on Tues. night to tell her the punishment, b/c BM didn't want to. SD never called back, Dh called her last night, and finally got through. He asked her why she did not call him and she said it was because she didn't feel like talking to him and that she was too busy. He told her the punishment, and she told him to hold on. She clicked over to the other line and never came back. DH was on hold for 15 min. He tried calling back and got the voice mail. An hour later, he called again, and BM answered the phone and didn't seem to care what DH had to say and was very short with him. He asked her if she had looked into getting her into a councelor and she said she has not had any luck. I have SD insured through my employer, and there are many counselors in their area that she can take her to. I am so lost, I don't know what to do anymore. We live almost an hour from SD, and DH didn't want to drive over there last night, but if it were my daughter and she did that to me, I would have driven over there in a heartbeat. I told him that he needs to go over there and talk to her in person, but he doesn't think that will do any good. Any time I suggest something to him, he says that it won't work, then he calls his mother, and she tells him the same thing. Somehow, coming from her, it makes more sense and he does it. I am at the end of my rope, and am about to loose it. I just don't know what to do anymore. HELP!! Please!
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Comments
I'm not trying to minimize
I'm not trying to minimize your feelings about this, but welcome to teenagedom. Everything I'm reading is so indicative of a teenager that is rebellious, mouthy, disrespectful, you name it. They eventually grow out of it, but not without some drama and someone getting stepped on in the process. Usually anyone with authority will get stepped on. That's what they do.
What's really fortunate for you is that DH and BM are on the same page in regards to discipline. You all just have to remain vigilant and enforce the boundaries you have instilled so far. SD will challenge those and believe it or not, deep down she needs to know that you, DH and BM care enough to enforce those boundaries and rules.
I know it hurts your feelings when DH goes to his mother. My DH hears the same advise from his friends that he hears from me, yet follows it when they give it. Doesn't matter to me as long as he gets it. Try not to take it personally, because his mother is his mother. She raised him through teenage years afterall.
Also, try to remove yourself from this a bit sometimes. Just take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is a temporary situation. SD will outgrow this eventually. And come here to vent as often as you need to. It's great, inexpensive therapy.
I thought this was just
I thought this was just about being a teenager, but she has said on several occasions (we just found this out last night) that she has told her mother on several occasions, that she was going to just run away and kill herself. I don't know if this is because her friend did it and got all kinds of attention, or because she really feels this way. I know that in today's world, you just never know. I do know that she needs counseling, and BM is just dragging her feet on it because the person she wants her to go to is not in our insurance.
SD
I don't think there is anything you can do. The fact that she was crying out of control is a indicator that she needs some serious counseling. The good thing is both parents are on the same page instead of being divided on the discipline. She may have some serious problems with depression and the fact that she was affiliated with an almost suicide is even more of an indicator that she needs to be in counseling. However, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.
BF
I would remind your H that he is her father and he does not need BM permission to take her to a counselor. Your H needs to get started on this immediately and stop waiting for her BM to do something. I would give him a deadline and if he didn't take action I would make the appointment myself and tell him he and she needs to be there.
Regardless of what happens in the future you want to be able to look back on it and know that you gave it your best shot and there wasn't anything else that you could have done.
Lumping your SD into the
Lumping your SD into the "teenage" syndrome was probably unfair of me. Every person has their own unique problems to deal with. I'm with Sparky and think that based on your SD statements, to get her into some therapy sessions. Usually insurance programs will have countless therapists in-network to choose from. Maybe you can get the directory and find one that specializes in teens...and move the process along??? (depending on how involved you want to get.)
It's hard to know how seriously to take the emotional ravings of a teenager. But in your case, with SD having a friend attempt suicide, she may need some help in how to deal with her own issues. Threats of suicide and running away can sometimes just be attempts to get attention, but you just never know. Follow your instincts. The worse that can happen is the therapist says she's fine and just acting out. The best that can happen is SD gets tools to deal with her present and future issues. Good luck and keep us posted.
Crying
I agree DH should just take SD to a counselor with or without her mom's permission. I am sure she could benefit from discussing any issues she has with an impartial party. Grief can be overwhelming and life is scary at that time of life as I recall.
I just want to throw in that, as a former female teenager, one way to get out of something is to cry, uncontrollably if necessary. My DH hates when I say that - but to me, every woman I know can cry at will. I could cry you a river at any point about my life and how hard it is and whatever valid reason I have, ex. family illness, just like an actress does.
My SD is very dramatic. Crying is the number one way to get your way with any male, it unhinges men for some reason and does not affect my (female) reaction to them usually at all, although I suppose there can be exceptions. As a non-BM myself, I think it hurts the parents when their child cries for any reason due to some instinct I don't have, but I still notice the timing of it. It can be the teenage or adult equivalent of a temper tantrum or manipulation. I am sure this is an unpopular position but I think it should be considered.
Most Evil
Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. John Keats