He needs a set....
Many of the recent posts have been about birth parents (primarily DH's, BF's) inability to parent their kid(s).
What are they so afraid of? That their children won't like them? We all hear the same excuses over and over. The kids has been through so much with the divorce, their ex mistreats the child, guilt parenting, PAS parenting. I STILL hear it from my DH and my SD is 27 YO! :jawdrop:
The strangest part of this for me is that I think my DH knows that he is not helping but hurting his daughter by continuing to support her....but he can't stop himself. A few weeks ago SD was ill with a flu/cold - she thought it was strep throat. She called DH late on a Saturday night (10ish) and he went out to the local drugstore and got her aspirin, throat lozenges etc. I overheard him (okay, I eavesdropped) tell her to stop acting like a baby but then he goes out and takes care of it anyway!
Are there markets where I can buy my poor DH a set??? Just sayin...it's crazy.
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i am 33...and last year when
i am 33...and last year when i was sick and my mom was home during the day...she totally brought me soup, meds and a book to read.
what is wrong with caring about someone? for the record, my mom also said i was being a sick baby...but she brought me stuff and visited me for awhile to keep me company. she is my MOM...why can't a parent do that? when my mom is sick i go over and make sure she has things she needs...
do kids never reach
do kids never reach independence these days??
when my skids get close to 17 (maybe 15 so it rock solid in their heads) i am going to start preparing them for moving on and programming them that scheduled visitaion ends at 18 ~~ then you call a few days ahead to see if we are available.. maybe i'm a bitch (pretty much), but from the horror stories about adult skids i have read i am scared shitless! best way to combat a good offense is with a good prepared solid defense... or something like that --
LMAO!!! I tried to tell DH
LMAO!!! I tried to tell DH that he should be the one to discipline SS because SS will love him no matter what. SS doesn't have to like me for any reason and doesn't because I had to be the disciplinarian for years. And 27 still getting babied like that??? Im 28. Can you tell me how to guilt my parents into doing things like this?
Folkmom, If it was 1 instance
Folkmom,
If it was 1 instance where he went and took care of her - I wouldn't have a problem. I still don't understand why she would call and ask - but that's just me. But when added to all the other things that he does - it's just too much.
And I'm glad that you have such a nice mother.
I think you're onto something
I think you're onto something Steperg. The fear that they won't like him if he doesn't buy them something. I see that in my DH. And a follow up on Folkmom's valid point - if SD gave back and showed concern towards DH - like Folkmom does with her mother. That's a give and take and that is what family is all about. It's when it is just take take take and many of us are going to see that this Father's Day.
Glynne, you're so
Glynne, you're so right!
Mature relationships are RECIPROCAL in nature. Caring on both ends. Give and take. It's not all one-sided.
Immature relationships (as many of the ones we see evidenced here on these boards) are clearly one-sided.
They are based in the "I'll call you ONLY when I need something, but other than that, I could give a rat's behind" type of attitude.
My parents are 69 and 72. I call them all the time just to see how they are doing. There is never "an agenda" in my call. I see them when I can and help them when they need it- no questions asked. And they know, without a doubt, they can do they same in return. This is a healthy relationship.
Sadly, too many children raised by "guilt parents" do not understand what it is to have a healthy relationship. It is all about "what's in it for ME."
Absolutely, Now4. Another
Absolutely, Now4. Another thing that puzzles me about DH - is that he was raised well. He calls his mother (92 YO) every day. He never forgets a birthday, Mother's Day, anniversary. He is the one who taught me how to reconnect with my parents. This is truly a nice guy who appreciates family and was brought up to respect his elders and appreciate family.
And that is why it is so sad for him to have this one way relationship with his daughter. Why does he allow his daughter to speak with him so disrespectfully? Why does he allow her to stand him up time and time again. Why does continue to support her when all she does is take. He MUST get something out of it to continue it - but WHAT??
I have been racking my brain
I have been racking my brain over that VERY question, Glynne! My DH is the same way. Treats his mother like a queen. Actually, treats ALL the women in his life very well- his sisters, his daughters, and (back in the day) his ex-wife.
And here's the thing...
All of them (sad to say, even his mother) treat HIM like dirt in response to his kindness!!
His ex-wife cheated on him. His sisters and his mother use him for his money, and his daughters (well...)
But in spite of all this (with the exception of BM), he STILL treats them well. I don't get it. I mean, I am actually the FIRST WOMAN in his life who has ever treated him WELL. So you would THINK that once he got a taste of what it was like to be in a reciprocal relationship, where there was mutual respect and give-and-take, he would WANT that in all other relationships as well! Demand it, even from the other people in his life.
But for some strange reason, he can't seem to break free of those well-established patterns he has with his mother, sisters, and (most sadly of all) his three daughters.
So what is he getting from it? I actually asked him that point-blank once. He didn't have an answer for me. But he just knew he couldn't CHANGE- it was a learned behavior. They behaved badly- he reacted (or didn't, as the case may be). But it sparked something in him- a realization that maybe he DID need to change for his sake.
Although he may never change when it comes to his mother or sisters (WAY too much history there), he IS starting to make baby steps toward demanding the respect with his girls. But it will take a lot of time to undo these terrible habits. I just hope he stays on this positive path, stays strong, and doesn't revert back to his "guilt daddy" ways!
Maybe we need to find a
Maybe we need to find a donor....and clone a few pairs! }:)
After talking with my
After talking with my therapist today have my meeting with him every Wednesday what It all boils down to is that they are affraid that when they are a little older thier kids will tell them that they dont want to come over and the kids will shut them out. THATS WHAT THEY ARE WORRIED ABOUT! I told him that if kids do that to thier parents its because their parents failed. Plain and simple. If your child thinks its ok to tell you Im not coming over because of x, y, z then you failed. That all stems from not wanting to dicipline them cause they dont wanna upset them. Crazy cycle i tell ya