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Being the only MOM

girltippy's picture

Submitted by girltippy on Thu, 07/13/2023 - 11:04am

I need ADVICE! My daughters BM has been out of the picture since she was 1. She is now 6. I have been mommy to her and she knows no different. Well I think it's about time to tell her that I'm not the person who gave birth to her. A very age appropriate way to tell her. I'm just having trouble finding the words to tell her. 
 

I need help and was wondering if anyone else here is a (step mom) yes.... but actually the only mom they know. Like the BM either walked out or passed away. I'm just curious, it's very hard to talk to people that don't understand this. 

 

thanks!

Comments

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Thu, 07/13/2023 - 12:47pm

Idk about the right words, but from what i know about child psychology, this is a good age to tell her. I would suggest you do it with a therapist. At age 6, learning this in an age-appropriate way will help her to accept it as just part of life, whereas if she is older it will be more difficult. 

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Thu, 07/13/2023 - 1:07pm

If you are having difficulty with this, you should consult a therapist. While six is young, you are revealing her story late. It's often easier to reveal it from the beginning, weaving the info into discussions as they naturally come up. Get some professional advice, but don't wait much longer. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to do. She's going to find out soon, if not from you, from someone else.

girltippy's picture

Submitted by girltippy on Thu, 07/13/2023 - 1:29pm

I agree, I really wanted her to be in school long enough to see how many different families there are out there. Now that she has that in her tool box it's time. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 07/13/2023 - 1:31pm

I think including a therapist is a good idea.  

A few questions I might have are if mom is out of the picture but not dead.. have her rights been relinquished.. did you .. or are you going to plan on adopting the little girl?  It might depend a little on how it is all relayed to her.. but also legally.. this is something you may want to consider nailing down if you and her father haven't already.

But.. yes.. 6 seems appropriate to tell her.. that while you didn't give birth to her.. that you still are her "mom" and you chose to be her mom.

Maybe the conversation is that "baby.. you know how johnny's mom is pregnant and that is how he is going to get his new baby sister?  Well.. I was never pregnant with you..Your mom was unable to raise you so your when I met you and your daddy, I was happy to raise you just like you are my own little girl.  " or something like that.. I would let the therapist help guide that talk ideally with her father involved too.

There is always a risk that BM comes to her senses.. and decides she wants to be in her daughter's life.. I guess in your case that is always possible.. not sure if you could have her rights terminated and officially adopt to control that?

girltippy's picture

Submitted by girltippy on Thu, 07/13/2023 - 1:38pm

Thanks for the input! While I would love to adopt her, BM would have to terminate her rights and I don't want to stir that pot. If BM comes to her senses one day and is actually trying to be a mom, I just want our kid to realize it's a good thing that a lot of people love her. And that having two moms isn't a bad thing!

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Thu, 07/13/2023 - 3:48pm

Since that is a legit possibility.. especially if mom has stepped back for issues like addiction or mental health. (which she could resolve)... I think it's pretty important that your SD start getting a good version of the truth starting now.. because the bombshell this could be for her at an older age.. could be quite devastating to her and to you and your family.

In simplistic terms..

You have another mommy, but she can't take care of you right now... I don't know if she ever will be able to, but right now, I am going to be your mommy ok?  And your daddy and I both love you very much..

I mean.. at this point, I'm guessing that the mother would have a decent amount of child support that she owes your SO.. if he hasn't filed paperwork on THAT.. he may want to consider it.. 

Do you have any idea why she has gone off like that?  I'm assuming it wasn't that your SO was abusive.. since you are with him.. but is she mentally unstable/unfit? or is it drugs? or is she just not parent material.. it's pretty unusual for a mother to go off like that without some decent reason.

Dogmom1321's picture

Submitted by Dogmom1321 on Thu, 07/13/2023 - 4:36pm

If BM still has her parental rights... I would tread lightly. At any time she is willing and able to come back into the picture, she absolutely can. Even though you have done all of the work it seems like for nearly 6 years, your SD still has a Bio Mom. 

What does your DH say about this? Why has he not have her rights terminated if she has no contact (technically child abandonment)? I don't think it's stirring the pot. Just legitimate conversations you should be having with him. Has anything spurred on you wanting to "tell" SD the whole story? 

Definitely recommend a therapist too!

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Fri, 07/14/2023 - 12:20am

I would absolutely have her rights terminated so you could adopt her because not doing would only open a huge can of worms if her mother ever decided to come back into her life and claim her rights. A quick search found this:

"Ohio law states “a child is presumed abandoned when the parents of the child have failed to visit or maintain contact with the child for more than ninety days.” Even if the parents re-establish contact with the child after 90 days, the child is still considered abandoned. Because Ohio law is based on presumption, you do not need confirmation that a child has been abandoned, only reasonable suspicion."

(https://www.lawforfamilies.com/6501771-child-abandonment-ohio.html)

Please do not waste any more time.

 

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Thu, 07/13/2023 - 4:29pm

Does she have baby pictures she looks at?  An album?  Where's her father in all of this? Shouldn't he be the one having the conversation with her? 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Thu, 07/13/2023 - 4:56pm

You never know if BM will show up one day.

That you are putting all this effort into raising a SD. And BM can make this all come crashing down. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 07/13/2023 - 5:21pm

That she had no interface or knowledge of who whelped her, this is not going to be an easy discussion.

Just tell her. Now.  Waiting is just building the odds of a negative outcome.

Can you adopt her?  That might make the discussion less confusing to your daughter. If she were mine, I would go after termination of BM's parental rights with a vengeance.  Rather than living with the risk of BM showing up and destroying your family and your daughter's life. Where is the daddy in all of this?  No mention of him that I have seen.

Though, that is the platform of discussion I would use. I would go with....  I am not the mom who grew you in my tummy, I am the mom who loves you and who  picked you and your dad.

I raised my SS-30 since before he was 2yo. But he always has known his Spermidiot and the SpermClan. So the discussion you have to have was not neccessary in our blended family experience.  I did end up adopting him at his request when he was 22yo.  more than 20yrs after I was the first person he ever called Dad(dy).

With you as her mom, you will both be fine following the talk.  Having that stability puts the odds of success for all of you (SS, DH, you) highly in your favor.

Your daughter is blessed to have you.