A Very simple Vent
I just have a simple question(s)...
Why did we get into this life?
Why is it that we couldn't back off early in the "getting to know the person" stage?
I know I said "YES" to all of this... and I know this is NOT how I usually sound, but right now I'm just really DOWN...
Being with a man without a constant reminder of his past (child, BM... etc...) would have been much easier... I'm jealous of all of those who have that. To the point in which it HURTS to see friends in a marriage without having to deal with all these feelings and all this BullSh!t...
How can I love a child that isn't mine, and yet feel extremely uncomfortable when she craves for her "daddy's attention"? (when I sure wouldn't act like that if she was mine)....And don't say "just think if she was your child...." because that doesn't work...
I don't wanna be mean/evil/immature/selfish... But seeing them all sweet makes me mad...
Sometimes I hate this life, living in the shadows of someone else's remnants...
I used to be a better person, this whole stepparenting world has brought a side of me that I didn't know existed... now I have doubts of my essential motives as a human...
- Gia's blog
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Comments
you read my mind!
Im a stepmom and have no kids. I walked into this mess from a single woman. Living alone supporting myself. I used to do laundry every two weeks. Now i do it every fricking day.
I used to come and go as i please.....now i need a baby sitter.
I used to clean my house and come home and it would still be that way........now its not.
I used to be able to have things like tape, scissors, makeup shoes that would be there when i wanted.......now i dont.
I used to come home to quiet ........now i listen to hanna montana.....ugh
I used to have extra cash.......now i dont.
My life has forever changed.
I can be a hateful witch sometimes and i was never that way.
Ok thats bad...........and i will say there is good.......
I used to be lonely......IM not any more.
I used to be sad......no time for that.
I never went to church.........i do now.
I used to not get gifts for my birthday......i do now.
I used to feel no one really needed me.......many do now.
its not easy being a stepmom. And alot of times the bad out way the good. But I know that if i were to leave i would miss all of it.......the good and the bad.
am i a better person........i think i am........not always , cus i think any parent cant always feel good. Its not easy raising kids.....weather they are yours or not.
GIa I know how you feel.....i think. that someones remnants is there and it remains weather you stay or go. its up to you to figure out what is best for you, Good luck.
Gia...
I was JUST saying this very same thing to my mother (who is my best friend) yesterday. I hear people all the time say, "Just love her as if she were your own." HOW can you do that?? You didn't have that bonding with this child like you had with your own. In my case, I didn't know this child until she was 6 years old...how can I possibly love her like she was my own child? Don't get me wrong..I DO love her, but not like my own. Just like I couldn't expect FH to love my kids like his own either.
And I know how you feel about how you feel about yourself now. I have seen sides of myself since becoming a SP that I am horrified to see that they exist. I used to think that I was such a stable, compassionate, level-headed person but SPing has made me crazy sometimes! I've never been the jealous type, now I'm green with envy that I don't get the same amount of love as SD8 gets from FH. I've never been needy but now I find myself NEEDING affection all the time. Sometimes I don't like who I see in the mirror.
I'm hoping that coming here and 1) seeing that I'm not the only one going through these emotions and 2) finding ways that others have successfully made it through these emotions...I'm thinking this is going to be a very therapeutic outlet!
I understand how you feel.
I understand how you feel. I feel the same many days. I feel somewhat lucky though, well at least for now. I met my fiance a little over 3 years ago, and he had a 2 year old daughter. She took to me very well, and since he was going through the divorce, I got stuck with all the blame from her BM. The little girl was to young to understand, but she still loved me to death. Now three years later the divorce is just now finalized. SD has seen our family (we have a 2 year old daughter together) very few times since I first met her. But every time she talks to her dad on the phone she wants to talk to me and my daughter also. She has never had to live with us for a period of time, but she will this summer for 60 days. So I don't know how she is going to act. I do know that her BM does hate me and talks shit to her daughter and tells her all kinds of things about her dad and me. She also told her that she doesn't have a sister. Which she does, and says she loves her sister very much. BM is the one who is always causing trouble. She is psychotic and obsessive. She has cut and colored her hair to be like mine, buys the same clothes that i have that she sees in our pictures from myspace. It is creepy. But me and my fiance talk about things a lot. Things have gotten so bad sometimes, that I told him that I don't want her to come here. Which is nothing like me. I have always been a kind hearted sweet person and I do love her, but I feel that when she does come, things are just going to get worse with her BM. We are already under a microscope because she is looking for anything and everything she can find to hold him in contempt and deny him the right to see his daughter again.
I think the exact same way you do. Sometimes I wonder why in the hell did I put myself in this situation. But I think about it and remember that my fiance and I have something special, a very strong love and bond, and now we have a little girl of our own. Sometimes it isn't worth it, but some days it is.
Understand completely...
I completely understand where you are coming from. My boyfriend has a 4 year old daughter who is a genuinely nice little girl (she likes me, is sweet, not rude etc), however I hate the idea of my boyfriend giving her so much attention. He has her every weekend and in some ways I feel that the weekend should be just me and him because it's the only time we are both not working. The other day he told her that she was daddys little girl and that made me want to vomit. I know I am being over the top with my jealousy but this is the way I feel. Sometimes I just wish she'd disappear.
At the moment I do not have any kids but I could see myself having some in the future. But, I cant bear the thought of not having his first child with me. I dont know if I could handle his daughter coming on family days out with me him and our kids. In fact, if I am totally honest I know I couldn't deal with it. At the same time I know his daughter will always be a part of his life whether I like it or not.
I have come to realise that I either put up and shut up or leave...
Good luck hun xx