So frustrated
Why is it that things can be going along okay then something simple happens that makes you feel completely lost and alone?
I was at a client's home on Sunday. Very nice people, however, they have just gone through a divorce and are selling their home. And wouldn't you know it they were a step couple. Anyway, I had met a staging professional at their home to give some suggestions on how to best show their property.
The lady of the house comes home and was a bit upset because some personal items of hers had been moved. I completely understand why she was upset and apologized to her. The ex said he had moved the items on suggestion from the staging lady and it sparked some heated conversation between the two of them. A comment that was made just pierced me. I had said that some of the pictures were okay to leave up and the ex-h said well she doesn't care about those, they are of my kids. Not mean, just matter of factly. Ouch...
It really bothered me. When I talked to my Dh later, I told him what had happened. I said I hope that we never get that way. He said he didn't think we ever would and I really don't feel that we will either, but it did stir up some emotions in me that made me feel lost. It made me feel like no matter what, we are just not really a family. I so want to feel like one, but I don't. We both sold our homes to buy the one we are in now and even though my name is on the title and we pay for everything together, I sometimes feel like I don't belong here. We are going on four years. I know this all doesn't happen over night, but frankly, I don't see it happening. I hate that I feel like this and want to change it, but it is just how I honestly feel. Everything else is great. I just can't help feeling like two seperate familes that live under the same roof.
It also made me feel like if anyone could have that kind of family unity it would be dh and his ex. He assures me that is not what he wants ever and I do beleive him, but she left him. I think he would have stayed no matter what. That in its self is just yucky. He is such a good guy and it makes me sick that I feel like this. It is a empty, insecure kinda feeling. We do not share any children together and we never will. Lately, I have been feeling sad about this. However, I am 41 and really don't want any. Well I do, but I don't. It would just make everything worse.
What do you do when you feel like this? I love my Dh and we get along super. I don't want my life with him to change. It is just so bittersweet to find someone that you are great with only to be slapped in the face with the fact that someone else was not only there first, but that someone else will always be a large part of their lives and that what they share no one else (including me) ever will. barf.
Yes, I guess I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. sigh... Maybe I will go curl up my bed and have a good cry before I get the privelege of going to pick up sd. Hoo-f*ng-ray.
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U R not alone!
I guess I always look at things as to how it was in my household growing up. I had a stepdad and bio dad. My relationship with my stepdad who I never refer to as step was wonderful...that set the tone of how things were with my step brothers and sisters....whom I never refer to as tep either...we all lived under the same roof and some point...it was my mom and step dad, my bio sister, and 8 stepbrothers and sisters. We were one big happy family...my mother did experience some bm drama but we all dealt with it and we became a very strong family...It's possible...About 4 years ago...we lost my mom at the age of 49 to lung cancer...as a blended family it did cross my mind that things would never be the same....however, whatever it was that my parents instilled in us that we were a real family has stuck stronger than glue so far....my dad(step) still calls me everyday....I still talk to brothers and sisters(step and bio)regularly. We are real family and no one could tell any of us otherwise. Thanksgiving was my mothers favorite holiday and still 4 years later we are all still together on that day...everyone from Detroit, Cali, and Dallas...it's a family affair....Also, all of us still do have a great realtionship with our bio parents as well...My parents created a bond for our family that can't be broken...u can create that in your family as well.Then>>>>>>>>>>
The flip side.....
My current status with my fiance'...we are not on the same page as to how a blended family is suppose to be constructed....he wants to keep his children separate because his 2 youngest children have a hard time dealing with the divorce and they don't want to accept me....so if he continues to buy into that while they are only ages 7 and 9, then that bond that I talked about earlier will never take place...he always says who says that my way for the family is the correct way...i.e. visiting children at bm's house.....you just don't do that.....my parents hardly ever communicated with bm's and bf's unless necessary to keep boundaries clear. My fiance doesn't get it and because he doesn't get it......we will never be a true family.....
Thanks for your comment. I
Thanks for your comment. I do really feel lucky in a lot of ways here. (thanks for reminding me) All of the kids in the house get along pretty well, refer to each ther as sister and brother and have accepted me for the most part. Mostly ss, he is my little buddy. Dh is okay, but to me, the seperation is clear and the fact that I can't seem to fugure out who the f*ck I am supposed to be in this house does not help. He does expect his kids to deal with the fact that this is the way it is now and I am very appreciative of that but I guess that he doesn't always know what to feel and how to act either. Maybe I just take it wrong. Sometimes I guess I get selfish and just wish I didn't have to deal with all of this.
The fairy tale in my head again.
Good luck wits end. I hope that your dh realizes he is not helping his kids any by doing this. Seperation is like a cancer, remove it before it spreads! His kids are young enough to still be able to form a healthy relationship with you. He should encourage that, it will benefit them.
Visiting at the BM's house
Hi Witsend...My DH visits his kids at the exes house and they are now 14 and 15! It's a nightmare for me. I hate it! Going on two years now and it hasn't gotten easier for me to accept. DH also feels he doesn't want his kids to be victims of divorce so he makes it as easy as possible for them. Ridiculous in my book.
Wow
This is exactly what has been on my mind over the weekend. I met the ex and bio for the first time at my BF's daughters graduation lunch. She was very nice, she was there with her BF and his son, and some of my BF's relatives. Lunch went well. then BF youngest daughter 12 and I went out to buy BF a BD present. Mind you this is the first time really that we've been alone together. I have known them for 1 year and BF and I have been together for 3. So shopping went okay, then we got back, it was getting late so I walked to car to go home and BF said I actually wish you could stay the night. So far we haven't done this, if you read any prior posts 12 year old threw a fit the only other time we tried. That was about 9 months ago, and haven't even tried again "she's not ready" so he says. Even her bm tell my BF that he shouldn't let his daughter run his life. Anyway on with story. I came back on Sunday morning (BF birthday). The three of us went to late breakfast (daughter that graduated was home sleeping off grad night)then to Pirates. then oldest that graduated met us for dinner. then we went back to BF's for cake and for him to open his gift from daughter (12) that I shopped and bought with my money. Anyway the three of them were sitting talking about when we did this and those pics were taken at whatever event, and being silly as girls will. I just began to feel so uncomfortable, like I really didn't belong there. To start out with he usualkly returns daughter at 7 pm, but we were running late with movie and dinner, and they were still there talking at 9. I got a phone call, went upstairs to take it, and I just couldn't bring myself to back down and join in again. I just felt like - not my house, not my family, and that I really didn't know this person at all, had no history with him compared to his kids and ex. I got my purse and said it was time for me to go getting late. I had my clothes with me and was going to spend the night.,but just felt so out of place. I don't think he understand how I felt. they weren't being rude, just talking like a family...a family that I have no connectino with.
Have any one else ever felt this way? I don't know how to shake it!
Thanks for your input!
The only way out...
is through. My STBH tells me this all the time. You will only begin feeling a part of the family after you have a SHARED history, and that only comes by participating in those conversations, experiencing the discomfort and moving through it. Yes, I have felt that many times. Sometimes it still really creeps me out. But, I am not leaving him, so, I guess I better keep going.
i say you should take the plunge and stay overnight. Thats the only way to get the daughter accustomed to it. Are you going to marry him?
Wow, this is sad.
I don't have this problem at all. My skids NEVER talk about when Mommy and Daddy did this or that with them as a family. I was reading y'alls posts, thinking, "Gee, I'm glad I've never had to deal with THAT!" But then I got to thinking about WHY I never had to deal with that... my oldest skid is 15, the youngest is 11. DH and BM - their parents - separated ten years ago. The reason they never talk about things they did as a family is because none of them remembers them ever being a family. That took a lot of the air out of my happy balloon. I mean, yes, it's nice for me that I don't have to hear it, but how sad for them that they have no happy memories of being a family with both of their parents. That must really suck for my skids.
As for the advice given so far, I agree with all of it. It takes a lot of time and effort, but you can build something fabulous that nothing from the past could ever hope to touch or rival. I used to suffer a lot from what DH and I jokingly call SWS... Second Wife Syndrome. It does suck being second. We've been married almost six years now, though, and in that time I've come to find that it doesn't matter that I wasn't there first, because I will definitely be there LAST. And I've also come to know that they divorced for a reason and no, it wasn't all sunshine and roses or they would still be together. The more time passes, the longer we are married, the more we share and experience as spouses and parents, the more confident I feel. It was overwhelming for me at first, but as we made more family memories with "our" family, including us and all of our kids/skids, we did manage to really bond.
I know four years is a long time, but that doesn't mean it will NEVER happen. We're at the six-year mark and it's just now really getting good for us, after five years of pure hell. As long as you are willing to try, there's hope.
~ Anne ~
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Anne, I guess I was being a bit negative.
I was having my own private pity party. And yes, four years is a long time, but it is isn't really. All is still pretty new here. We still have so much to get comfortable with. I am willing and working towards that. Unfortunately, I think I felt more bonded towards the beginning. (maybe just a bit more optomistic too) I am trying my best to work through things in a positive way and we have many, many good days, but sometimes it is just rough. I am thankful that there are no real bm issues, just the fact that there are no real boundaries with dh and bm and that makes me a bit uncomfortable at times, but it really isn't bad.
Sadly, I just don't feel any closer to his kids now than I did in the beginning. I treat them well and care for them, but I just don't feel very family like. I also think it is very difficult when you are trying to blend two different sets of kids and two different parenting styles. I feel that it is easier when you come into a relationship without kids of your own and then have kids with him because all of the kids are his. I have a friend who has done just this and her family life is definately much easier. None of the territorial issues between kids. just my opinion.
I do feel for your s-kids. All kids should have a positive memories of their previous families. That makes me sad.
Georgine
You're entitled...
...to throw yourself a pity party. This isn't the easiest path we could have chosen for ourselves, is it?!
The optimism does wear off and it's hard to get close to kids as they grow older. My skids are mostly all teenagers now and you know how much teenagers just LOVE to be with their parents!
We've been down that road, too, of trying to blend two sets of kids, two parenting styles, etc. I had a son from my previous marriage and he had his three when we first got together. Actually, one of his kids isn't even biologically his... she was the result of an affair his ex-wife had while he was deployed. Try dredging up some love for a kid who is 100% BM and 0% DH. Not easy! We STILL have problems with discipline sometimes, but we did make a pact to back each other up in front of the kids and fight about it privately later if there was a disagreement. We've had LOTS of fights about this! Having a baby together did provide a physical bond, because she was the only one in our family biologically related to everyone else. She was sort of the "bridge." But it wasn't her birth that provided the emotional bond. I still struggle with not feeling "family" enough, too, because we're so far apart from his kids and even when we were close, she wouldn't let him see them. That feeling comes and goes with me, depending mostly on how they are treating me at the time. Incidentally, I have the biggest problems with territorial issues between the biologically-related children. It's always bio vs. bio in our house, rather than step vs. bio! Kids... gotta love 'em!
Think about the future, because someday all the kids will be grown and gone and it'll be just the two of you. The most important part of the family isn't the relationship either of you has with either set of kids, it's the relationship you have with each other. It's the bond you have with HIM that makes you a family. That's where it all begins. Try not to get too discouraged or get down comparing your unique situation to someone else's, because they are just all different. If you do get down, though, you know you've got us!
~ Anne ~
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt
great quote!
"So I feel like a carrot floatin' around the edges of HIS soup if that makes sense."
It makes sense. You have given up your own home and items and adopted his home and items, and now his problems. To some extent all couples do that. However, it is very dangerous to fall into the martyr role, where you give everything up for him and his life.
I sort of did the same thing. I moved in, left all my things, and didn't initially have any money to leave if need be. On top of it, her was still married and in a whole mess of sh*t with divorce/custody pending. I was really terrified for myself, that i would lose everything and be emty handed if it didn't work for us. He on the other hand, had an apartment, all his stuff, his daughter, and for whatever it was worth, still stood to gain money from the sale of his home.
My family and I were estranged for quite some time due to my decision to take up with a man who was technically still married.
What all this did, was to add pressure to my relationship with him. I resented him for not having my own.
At some point I realized that I needed to take my life in my hands, and DEMAND my part. I eventually told him that I was moving MY stuff in, and to accomodate that, he would have to get rid of a lot of his stuff, and allow me to change the apartment around.
After I did that, I began to save money. I told him that I would not pay anything towards rent, or utilities until I had saved a safety net for me, as I have no protection while he is still married to the quack.
That really helped. I know I can leave at any time, and this apartment now feels like it is MINE too. It is filled with pictures of MY family, and there are no pictures of daughter in the house which I did not take. All pictures of THEIR family are placed in a box in the attic. BM has the same thing at her home.
For me, living a mile away is the hardest part. Last years birthday party I was a WRECK. BM wanted STBH to attend, and I was expressly not invited. I sat here, in his home, in his town, with them having a party taking family portraits like they were still together, and they were three blocks away.
I run into BM and daughter in the store.
All of this to say, that you must secure YOUR PLACE in this family. IT IS YOUR HOME TOO. YOU ARE NOT SLOPPY SECONDS, you are the wise choice he made after having learned from his MISTAKES. never forget that.
I'm glad to know
that I'm not alone in my feelings I had over the weekend with being overwhelmed with past history that I'm not involved in. I just don't think the DH's or BF's can understand this. Hell, I probably couldn't understand it if I wasn't living it. I think it might be easier if you live together, then you can do what you did Lauren and move your stuff in so you fell like it's your place.
and the answer to someone's question, no we are not planning on getting married. I've been married twice, - first time for 2 years, and second time for 22 years, him - 16 years..and neither one of us is ready to try again! But we have discussed living together..but just discussing!
OMG, I think I am a carrot!
Love that!!
Fearless & Hanny, it does suck to have little / no history as a family. The longer we are together, the more comfortable that part of my life becomes. What I hate is when mil has to say sh*t like: oh ss must have bm's hair or bm just had a fit when her baby was on the floor that x-mas. yuck.... I understand that bm was a part her life for a long time, but why is it necessary to make those types of comments around me?
Don't worry about the pictures. She more than likely has them because of her kids and he probably doesn't even realize that she has them. I also have lots of pictures and so does Dh.
Georgie the carrot