How is it selfish? It's always a hard thing to grasp for everyone.

I love my skids and I still have moments I want to bash my head against a wall because all this extra drama and baggage makes me feel completley bats*** insane.

I suggest:

1) Evaluating your relationship. I'm not saying end it. Just take a look and see how you feel and if you feel there are potential future issues.

2) Address potential issues with your spouse, also a deep discussion of financials, what you see your obligations as being, household rules, what communication you find acceptable vs. unacceptable with his ex (This saves headaches later)

3) Evaluate again based on the discussion you had with your fiance. Does he have your back? Did he seem peeved by you not wanting crazy amounts of communication with BM? Just all things to consider.

4) Decide what you can and cannot live with.

5) Get a hobby to help maintain the stress. I have a punching bag and the gym. It's REALLY easy to tell when I miss becuase I become this absolute moody mess. You need a hobby if you're going to survive. A way to destress!!!

6) Keep coming back here Because venting is important, and this site has been a sanity saver.

(I don't think virutally anyone minds you coming here. In fact half the time it's frustrating because it would have been best if people found this site BEFORE actually doing the marriage thing! Welcome to StepTalk)

I would put aside feeling "selfish" and really think this through, with objective opinions from people who you trust (many of us are pretty cynical about stepfamilies given our experiences).  A sibling or a close friend that you know will hear you out and help you figure out what you are feeling and why.

This is not an easy life, especially if BM is a problem.  I had zero problem with my stepkid when this all began 9 years ago, I liked him, and he liked me. I too though DH "handled" BM well, and that we could get past that.  Little did I know I was in for years of court, followed by years of my SS being alienated from us completely, now followed by MORE court! 

SS is 18 now and I don't like him anymore. He treats DH like dirt and he's a carbon copy of his lying, stealing, cheating mother.  I love DH and we are still strong together, but it's been stressful as hell.

Love is not enough.  Listen to your gut and really make sure you are prepared for what may be to come.  I sometimes am very jealous of people with normal, nuclear families and long-term intact marriages with no stepkids.

Some people are okay with marrying folks who have lots of debt. Some people are okay marrying someone who wants to never own a home. Some people are okay with being married and having an open relationship.

And, yet, some people aren't okay with those things. Some people are okay with variations or boundaries on those things. It doesn't make one person right or wrong; it's just about compatibility.

It isn't selfish to not want to be a stepparent. It isn't selfish to not want to be the second wife. It's just your preference, just like how someone may not want kids, or may want to never leave the town they grew up in, or may want to a spouse just as into fitness as they are. You can't change what you want if you really don't want that thing.

What WOULD be selfish is to marry someone knowing they aren't compatible with you and that you can't adapt to make it work long-term. Don't become a step mom in order to keep someone you love. Love doesn't conquer all. It's unfair to you and them to agree to a certain married lifestyle that you don't want and will actively resent.

I'm sorry that isn't the sunshine-and-roses response that you were likely looking for. However, as someone who KNEW deep down inside before I got married the first time that I didn't want the life I was signing up for, I'm telling you to listen to your gut. If being a stepmom and second wife makes your skin crawl and stomach turn, you are under no obligation to "fix" those feelings, and it doesn't make you selfish for realizing that isn't what you want. Listen to your gut; it's likely right.

You're not selfish at all and its natural to feel this way. You desire and have a preference for what you like, nothing wrong with that. I think its great that you are able to talk about it and understand how you feel. I know it not easy and being in this type of dynamic doesn't work for everyone. At the end of the day you have to look out for yourself and do what is best for you. This is your life and no one is going to make you happy but you.

There's nothing selfish about knowing what you want and what you don't want in your life.

If you don't feel that you can treat the child fairly, if you truly cannot handle being a step parent, then you should leave the relationship. It's not fair to anyone involved to stay if you have such an issue with it.

It would be a big mistake to talk yourself into it, when it's really not something that you want to deal with. Shit like that destroys lives and families. Be honest with yourself... and with your SO.

Be a step parent.  So first your dream of perfect life takes a hit.  Then there Envy,  Jealousy. Not having the perfect courtship, Not the perfect wedding ( someone already did it.  Was first wedding better ).  Normally your in financial problems,   Someone paid for first wedding not going to pay for second.  Your child will not be the first. They done that already. 

Unfortunately this is not selfish, it’s all true.  Are you taking SK on honeymoon?  No matter what your SO saids, you know your being gaslighted a little.or lot.  Are you going to be number one not the kid.  Difference between kids need thing first and coming first.  Wasn’t everybody else selfish the first time around ??  

Selfish would be to go into a relationship without thinking about the impact that having a stepchild might have on your life.  Being pollyanna and assuming that you will always be the priority and that the kid can be compartmentalized and minimized in the equation is being selfish as well.

You can read through a lot of posts on this site and find that people have very different experiences depending upon both the kids, the EX and their significant other's behaviors and actions.  Then there are the peripheral players. .inlaws, other relatives and friends.. all having some sort of input and effect.

I would say that this is not something I would enter into lightly.  I would always consider the possibility of you becoming a full time step-parent because even if visitation is occasional now.. that can change.  While I know a lot of people aren't in favor of living together before marriage.. in step life.. I actually think it's probably a good idea.  You can't possibly understand what day to day llife might be like until you live it.. seeing parenting in action in all it's glory.. see how often the EX really does stir up the dust.. how the kid acts when not on their best behavior or absent.

Honestly.. if you haven't been with this person for years.. I think you probably are moving too fast lol.

So, take your time.. BE selfish if you need to be.  Understand that there will be times when the child's needs will cause your plans to change.. or things you want to not be a priority.  It also should be the same for you.. if your mother dies.. your husband doesn't leave you alone to take his kid to the movies either.  But kids get sick.. need things that cost money.. need braces.. want to participate in sports.. have schedules that can conflict with stuff.. all these can be petty annoyances.. but if you also are stuck with a toxic level skid.. they can make your life unbearable.

So.. again.. be selfish and think about things you can't or won't give up.. will being with this guy mean those things are in jeopardy?  if so.. he may be a great guy.. but maybe not the right situation for you.