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DH WANTS ME TO APOLOGIZE?????

frustrated-mom's picture

Submitted by frustrated-mom on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 3:35pm

DH had the audacity to ask me to apologize to his daughter for things she heard WHILE EAVESDROPPING.

Is he demanding that she apologize to me for all of her horrible behavior towards me when she was living with us? No, because he knows she’ll never do it.

But he’s perfectly willing to throw me under the bus, blaming me for all the problems so he can seem like the good guy and father of the year.

DH got back from another one of his disasters of a visits with his daughter, which include family therapy sessions. He told me it’s getting “embarrassing” with all of the things that SD is telling the therapist that I said IN PRIVATE TO MY HUSBAND.

IMO, if you want to spy on private conversations, it’s your fault if you hear things you don’t want to hear. I don’t care if I what I said hurt anyone’s feelings or how it sounds, it’s the truth. If SD15 didn’t want to hear it, she shouldn’t have been snooping.

If SD’s therapist was doing her job she’d know what I was saying was the truth and work on fixing what a worthless piece of garbage SD15 is.

DH wants swallow my pride and tell SD15 how wrong I was and how sorry I am so he can convince her to come to our home for Christmas. HELL NO! There’s no way I will allow her here for the holidays. I don’t want her here ruining Christmas or DH turning the holidays into completely focused on his brat.

DH said he wants us to all “hit the reset button” like this is some sort of video game he can start over and smooth over all the “hurt feelings”.

I hate my life.

Comments

imjustthemaid's picture

Submitted by imjustthemaid on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 3:42pm

No way!! I wouldn't apologize. When my SD was 10 we caught her sitting outside our bedroom door eavesdropping. Many times. I can only imagine what she heard. She's 15 and still tries to hear everything. When I know she is listening I will loudly say "I can't talk about this now because big ears is listening again." Teenage girls are so evil.

Let her stay mad and have a peaceful christmas without her.

ThatGirl's picture

Submitted by ThatGirl on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 3:43pm

He and the daughter are going to counseling together, and the conversations revolve around things she claims to have overheard you say??? And now your husband expects you to apologize? Where did that counsellor get his MFT cert, a box of Cracker Jacks?

ThatGirl's picture

Submitted by ThatGirl on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 4:15pm

Seriously, if she's bringing up things overheard, any therapist with half a brain would address her eavesdropping. He also would not want the two of them to sit and discuss things SHE claims to have heard YOU saying. This sounds more like crap she's telling your husband outside of counseling. I'd call their bluff and suggest that you attend a session with them to address these issues.

LauraKR's picture

Submitted by LauraKR on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 3:47pm

Of course you must NOT apologise!
What about your right to privacy in your own home?
People who snoop never hear good of themselves, ever.
Tell your husband absolutely not!
If its getting embarrassing for him to listen to in therapy, then tell him to get a backbone and support you.
Makes me so mad that they can't work out these things for themselves these blokes (sorry to be sexist but i keep hearing things like this over and over again)
Kx

Anywho78's picture

Submitted by Anywho78 on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 3:47pm

I have to say your DH expecting YOU to apologize is insane!

"SD, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry that you felt that it was okay to eavesdrop! Please forgive me for attempting to have a PRIVATE conversation with MY HUSBAND! In the future, I promise not to voice my opinion on anything what-so-ever, just in-case you're eavesdropping again. Please do us the honor of visiting our home for Christmas so that I may again, live in fear of saying anything what-so-ever that just might offend your sneaky, selfish, childish sensibilities!"

Yup, I can see that going down smoothly!

Anywho78's picture

Submitted by Anywho78 on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 3:49pm

Repeat

Lauren1438's picture

Submitted by Lauren1438 on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 3:53pm

She is 15 and knows the difference between right and wrong, I am with you I wouldn't give a damn if I was talking in private and a 15 year old was ease dropping. Who cares if he is embarrassed during consoling. he should be embarrassed that he allows a 15 year old to control the house like that. My dad would have spanked my butt if I eased dropped in on "adult" conversations and used it against the family like that. I dont understand these guilty dads it is crazy. A 15 year old knows right from wrong and some know (like your SD) how to control households.

Hold your ground, well as long as it doesnt cost you your marriage, maybe you could read some of our responses to him, that is if he knows your on this site. It has solved my issue with my FDH and taking showers with his girls he read the responses to my post and felt like crap afterwards for how he reacted to me.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 3:54pm

Hell no. BM tried to force me to go to therapy with SD. Hell no. Fix your kid. I am not your damn scapegoat. I was asked once by DH and said no. Then a year later it was brought up in court how bad of a stepmom I was for not going. Hell no. My therapist said not to go since this problem was SD.

Don't you dare apologize. He needs to get over it...If they don't like what you said it is because the truth hurts and they want to deflect it back on the evil SM....Don't fall for this.

cant win for losin's picture

Submitted by cant win for losin on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 4:09pm

I'm sorry you didn't like what i had to say while you were eavsdropping.

the_stepmonster's picture

Submitted by the_stepmonster on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 4:12pm

I'm sorry that even though you think I am such an insignificant part of your life you let my opinions of you be the main topic of your therapy sessions. I'm also sorry you have no manners and considered it appropriate to spy on me and my husband. I'm sorry you have a father who coddles you like a baby and will never learn to stand on your own two feet and be an independent strong woman.

WendyB's picture

Submitted by WendyB on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 4:17pm

Did you seriously call a girl who's been severely sexually abused "worthless garbage"? :jawdrop:

Maybe there's someone else that needs therapy?

briarmommy's picture

Submitted by briarmommy on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 4:33pm

I just went and read all her blogs and saw nothing about abuse, sexually or otherwise.........I think you are thinking of the wrong person

briarmommy's picture

Submitted by briarmommy on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 7:00pm

I can see where your coming from but as a woman who was abused as a child I can also say with no bias that not disiplining her won't help. In some ways she needs more control and structure to counteract all the turmoil happening inside of her. My mom didn't cut me any slack because of the things that happened to me, there was expections and I knew what was expected of me and what would happen if I didn't meet them. You can't let people use excuses or they will use them for everything there whole life and letting someone ruin there future because of there past is wrong.

WendyB's picture

Submitted by WendyB on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 4:50pm

edit

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 7:38pm

StepAside....this is excellent advice. I really appreciate you coming at this with this kind of perspective. Thank you!

cant win for losin's picture

Submitted by cant win for losin on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 7:22pm

But wouldnt that be the same as apologizing for what we write here if someone "outside" reads it?

Doubletakex3's picture

Submitted by Doubletakex3 on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 7:48pm

I don't see this situation any differently than if SD read her diary or snooped in her email account. It's a very sad state of affairs if we cannot have an open and honest communication in private with our husbands. And, I hold the therapist accountable here too. Even IF what OP said were not the absolute truth it was at very least her perception and a good therapist should explore with SD what led SM to have those perceptions as opposed to an seeking an apology.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Tue, 11/08/2011 - 8:55pm

Who knows what the therapist said? You've got to remember this is all dh's perception. As a therapist myself I know that fully 50 percent of the time people just dont listen to me-they hear what they want. Maybe sd did complain-maybe the therapist ignored and moved on-maybe she dressed dh down for not addressing her eavesdropping-maybe neither of them even bothered to tell the therapist that sd was eavesdropping when she heard these things.

I would just tell your dh that if sd would like to speak about what happened that you are willing to do so-but other than that I wouldnt concern myself with their therapy session. I would also tell your dh that you are not comfortable hearing about what they discussed in therapy as it is private between the two of them and it should be kept that way. Isnt he breaking sd's confidence by coming home and telling you what was discussed or rather his perception of what was discussed?

frustrated-mom's picture

Submitted by frustrated-mom on Wed, 11/09/2011 - 10:23am

I’m not sure what the therapist is saying, and I don’t think she’s saying that I should apologize, it’s just DH wants this to no longer be an issue in therapy.

DH says he leaves therapy feeling like he’s been run over by a truck. He then tries to spend time with his daughter over the weekend and that ends up to be 2 days of him trying to smooth over anything she was upset about in therapy. There’s no end to the guilt.

From what I’ve heard, therapy sessions generally turn into venting sessions for SD15. I believe the therapist knows they were private conversations, since SD15 calls her dad a liar since he says one thing to her and then something else in private so she doesn’t believe anything he says.

He says SD15 keeps bringing up something she overheard me say about why I didn’t want her living with us which when repeated out of context comes off badly. He also said when SD15 repeats things I’ve called her private, what I’ve said I think is fundamentally wrong with her and that she knows I hate her with a passion, it’s hard to argue that we were trying out best to make the transition work and help her feel welcome.

The therapist only gets SD15 and her aunt & uncles POV who believe she’s a saint and DH doesn’t stand up for me or himself. Since SD15 was doing well in school before she lived with us and is doing fine now that she’s living with her aunt & uncle, we’re automatically the problem - not SD15.

I’ve told him I don’t want to even hear about his daughter any more, much less therapy. I’d be happy to pretend she doesn’t exist like I did before this all happened. I’ve wasted too much of my life dealing with this girl.

majka's picture

Submitted by majka on Wed, 11/09/2011 - 8:34am

I'm sorry... I hate my life too... but I will NEVER apoligize for something like this. Manipulative children do not win with me.