DH is starting to give up
It's been 2 years of waiting to see a judge.
we have had many mediations and BM never gives anything.
DH has noticed that SD has gotten worse since court started. We never told the skids and even have an agreement that says not to. Of course BM accidentally let SD know. Ever since then, SD has seemed to of gotten worse.
DH is tired of waiting. The lawyer seems like a waste of money.
BM argues about everything. She even plans on moving states. (We dont when it where)
weve spent over 10k in two years and have gotten nothing accomplished. Court dates continue to get moved
BM continues to pay all medical bills with her CC them have DH pay her from a personal check. Even 1500 and now a 2k bill.
I plan on standing by DH no matter what his decision is. He is correct. SD is getting worse. And the dr and lawyers just seem to continue to brush off anything DH says and blindly believe BM
even with email proof of her discussing DH fathers passing multiple times for no reason. "You should t have any photos of your dad around. It upsets my kids and they come home crying"
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At a certain point, my DH
At a certain point, my DH stopped fighting in court and allowed the inevitable to happen - SS was alienated. Court makes all of this worse, because it ramps up BM's drive to win and to alienate the child.
There is no shame in giving up an ineffective court battle and letting go. What is he fighting for in court? More time with SD? If so, forget it.
I don't understand the medical bill dilemma - is she overpaying? What difference does it make how she pays them? (I generally pay medical bills with credit cards too). Is SD underinsured? Can DH provide more insurance?
He was fighting for more time
He was fighting for more time with the kids and joint custody.
BM has the kids insured under her current husband.
Example: bill is $500. BM pays $500 to dr and then tells DH he has 30 days to pay her 50% (personal check)
so we have a bill from her for 4K DH part is 2k and he's suppose to pay her personal check of 2k and we don't have that money.
he's asked her multiple times and talked to lawyers about wanting to pay with his cc to the dr directly. The lawyer says we will talk about it in court (which has been moved 4 times in 2 years)
Then all he can do is tell BM
Then all he can do is tell BM he can't afford the full bill and will pay her in installments. What will she do, take it to court? Yay!
Yeah, he has to give up fighting for more time and joint custody. If I were him, I'd drop every court action and focus on just keeping lines of communication open with SD. At one point, my DH gave BM sole custody - it wasn't worth fighting over and she acted like she had it anyway.
I think he's at that point.
I think he's at that point. It's a shame because SS wants to be around more but the BM is starting in on him too.
I think DH just feels like it's inevitable and two years ago SD was crying and wanted to be around more.
I really do know how hard it
I really do know how hard it is, we went through this with my SS. But the more DH fought in court, the more BM fought to win and alienate and I was on the brink of leaving when DH let it all go.
We found tremendous peace, honestly - it was sad to not have SS around when he stopped coming over, but we also no longer had BM to contend with. We had quiet and no drama.
So what did your DH do? Like.
So what did your DH do? Like. Just keep things as they are? Or give it all up?
He had fought for custody
He had fought for custody after SS said he wanted to live with us, then SS turned around and lied in court to stay with BM. So at that point, SS was seeing us about 40% of the time, but he was starting to get more and more difficult - lying all the time, getting depressed, texting BM about how awful it was at our house. One visitation weekend, DH got fed up with it and took SS (then almost 15) back to BM's early - and we didn't see him again for over a year. Then we saw him twice and then not again for 2.5 years.
He's now 20 and he started coming back around at 18.5. But honestly, BM has damaged him and while he's not nasty to us, we don't really enjoy his company (he is doing nothing with his life and taking no ownership for it - still living with BM and 100% dependent on her).
During the time he was gone, DH just tried to keep in touch as best he could and hope for the best. I still don't know what will happen to SS.
I'm so sorry to hear that. I
I'm so sorry to hear that. I hate how BM use kids the way that they do. Even the worst father, I don't think I would create such an issue for. It's what's best for the kids. No one else.
DH and I have said from the beginning...even if we aren't healthy for the skids, we are willing to accept that but we just want what's best for them.
Sometimes what's best is to
Sometimes what's best is to drop the rope even if it means you lose them. My DH was a good parent but there was no way BM was going to allow him to be one.
My DH is a great father and
My DH is a great father and wonderful with babies but his BM is just a horrible human being.
I feel like even giving her the EOW. He still will have hate mail and she will probably move states with the kids (that's her plan) but I suppose it's better than thousands of dollars in debt with a lawyer and feeling like we have to tiptoe
This is happening to us right now
My husband and I have been trying to get BM to play fair since the child was 3, she is now 9! My husband is slowly dropping the rope he said it hurts inside and misses her but, he doesnt even know who she is... It would make me so mad and sad how he gets treated by her and what she is going now i am just numb.
^^^THIS^^^
Or can he put money aside for now and tell BM that the issues needs to be resolved in court? That might motivate her to get in front of a judge.
Drop the rope and give them
Drop the rope and give them what they want.. Dh stops playing the game and then reality sets in for them. They didn't really want what they were asking for, just to have someone to play the game with.
Too bad, so sad BM. Her partner should be very annoyed at how much energy she spends on her ex. Look at us, annoyed as heck about it.
My DH dropped the rope too. BEST, THING, EVER. He got his life back which for him was powerful.
What exactly entails
What exactly entails "dropping the rope?" Accepting what BM gives you? EOW?
Yes, accept Every Other
Yes, accept Every Other Weekend and BM having sole custody. She's never going to share custody even if court tells her to.
That's very true....do you
That's very true....do you have full weekends? (Friday after school to Monday at school)?
DH had Friday to Monday
DH had Friday to Monday morning and Tuesday overnight, when BM didn't interfere and prevent it from happening. Until he had nothing anymore.
I can't overstate that once SS was alienated, and we got over the initial horror of it - we thrived. But only because DH was strong and didn't allow BM to take away our happiness in any way.
Honestly, looking back - I wish he'd dropped the rope sooner.
It's a shame we've spent all
It's a shame we've spent all of this money to not even see a judge but I don't understand how they can keep pushing court back.
we have a consult with a new lawyer but DH is planning on asking for mediation
Mediation is a joke
There is NO way that anyone can force a HCGUBM to do anything. In their mind they are fighting a holy war and the courts will 99% of the time believe her and the brainwashed skid(s). We've had posters whose DH has spent 100k on custody battles/court only to have the skids go running back to the mothership when Dad makes a speck of rules or dares to parent them.
If BM thinks CS will go down because of 50/50 you will never.get it. HCGUBM is concerned with following:
1. wanting to bankrupt biodad
2. getting revenge on biodad for daring to move on (however she can date, live with, marry whomever with mandatory skid acceptance of such)
3. alienating skids against SM and biodad
4. Being the only "real" parent; skids are a physical extension of HCGUBM so she can crow about being a "strong, independent mom" (TM) while at the same time play the "poor innocent single mom who was left high and dry" (TM) despite having cheated in the marriage, etc. AKA complete control over everyone involved.
Cut your losses by dropping the court case and don't opt for mediation.
You think even mediation is
You think even mediation is irrelevant?
yep
Some of the other posters pointed out no amount of mediation will force a BM to do anything. We went through that mediation thing Chef aka me ended up paying for it all and the girhippo never budged. He ended up with a horrible lopsided totally Pro BM mediation agreement
Just don't
Or you could end up like us
Or you could end up like us where DH has what appears to be a relatively fair agreement that BM ignores. I suppose we could spend money to try to enforce the plan in court, but other than sending BM to jail, I don't see any other way to get BM to actually follow what she agrees to. I don't even think she remembers what she signed.
Every word of this is so true.
.
Can your DH call the physician directly?
Can he set up payment with a card? That way, they can contact him directly for payment when there is a bill?
If the courts aren't helping, then maybe going to the physician directly, custody order in hand, might circumvent BM.
We tried this this week.
We tried this this week. Contacted the DR set up info for the $11 copay ($22 total)
BM through a fit.
DR emailed DH that she wouldnt get in the middle of their issue and to pay BM.
DH emailed BM and DR and BM agreed to let him pay "just this dr" that way, then emailed the 2k he now owes BM.
he will call the other DR this week but she's already paid it.
First off its an uphill climb
First off its an uphill climb if BM has her kids more often. That's more often to brainwash them and to win them over. Some people are absolutely shameless and they don't feel any compunction against completely twisting a child's mind. I do feel it was a mistake not to discuss the court. The children needed to know that their dad is fighting to have time with them.. to be with them. Sure BM "accidentally" let slip that the court proceedings were happening. This allows her to frame the narrative in the kids' mind the way she sees fit. DH should have been discussing this with the stepkids too because damn sure the mom is. It's a case of nice guys finishing last. If she's willing to fight dirty and the other person isn't willing to reciprocate and match tactics, then she will win, unfortunately. Wishing you all the best.
Of course our "lawyer"
Of course our "lawyer" suggested filing that motion to look good to the judge..in the beginning of 2019 lol.
and you are correct, when SD found out she was angry! And we just respond with "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "it's unfortunate you've been informed that, if I could, I'd talk to you about it but I can't"
maybe you're right, maybe we should have just said it. But also, she does have them majority of the time so no matter what, she's got more control
DH talked about all of that
DH talked about all of that stuff with SS but BM's narrative still won out. And DH was the one who got in trouble for talking about it! You can't win with these women, they are too good at manipulating and playing the victim.
Truthfully...women can be
Truthfully...women can be disgusting. And the system is so backwards. They favor women who are mothers in a court case; but don't believe women in a rape case?? How I this the world we live in?
Family Court in many areas is
Family Court in many areas is broken. (Our society is fine with women as mothers, but not as sexual beings, as if that wasn't completely contradictory).
I do think that DH did SS a favor by dropping the rope, I really do. He was finding BM's pressure intolerable.
That's what we think is
That's what we think is happening with SD. That she's acting out more and more because of the intolerable actions of BM from her hatred of DH.
dH just feels bad because SS wants to be around more and the court system said that they won't split the kids up.
It's a bitter pill to swallow
It's a bitter pill to swallow, but honestly, DH's best bet is to drop court action, accept Every Other Weekend with BM having full custody, and figure out how to put aside money every month to pay those medical bills instead of relying on credit. Or just pay her in installments and be done with it.
As we got further away from it all, I realized that for BM here, it really wasn't about hating DH - it was a primal terror of losing control over DH and over SS. She would fight to the death to keep that, and she would destroy her kid to do it. That's rooted in deep dysfunction and psychological issues.
She immediately blocked me
She immediately blocked me online when we began dating, before I ever even met her. She is remarried with other children but I think she still had a hold on DH and that she wanted to always assume he was her "back up". Now that we are together and married, she's just gotten meaner, and if the kids try to get close to me, she takes away that social media app, or the FaceTime, or the articles of clothes or books we give them.
we even buy their other kids toys to send to them. If we are at a yardsale and see something, we would send it with the skids.
stuff that a normal family should do. I think it's just made it harder on the skids
BM here never tried to turn
BM here never tried to turn SS against me, but honestly, I kept my distance from him. I never tried to talk to him outside of our home or do anything other than being kind and pleasant to him. We got along fine and he likes me, but I've always kept him at arm's length.
Mediations are a waste of time
Mediations are a waste of time with a HCBM. Since their divorce was finalized in 2013, DH and BM have had two mediations. Both have been a joke. If one party at the mediation won't budge, the mediation can't move forward and typically HCBMs don't budge on anything.
During DH's first mediation, he did not have a lawyer. For the second one, he did, because BM threatened to take time away for one SS. The lawyer was a total waste of money. It could be that we had a terrible lawyer, it could also be that BM works with divorce lawyers for her job and the firm DH worked with told that lawyer to go easy on her because of their business relationship (I have no proof of this, but DH's lawyer let BM's lawyer stall for 8 months before they even scheduled a mediation).
Next time, DH will probably let BM just take him to court.
One thing that seemed to help with SS - who was becoming impossible to be around during the medation - was that DH told him that he loved him and wanted to see him, but he wouldn't fight with him to come to our home. He also recentered the relationship between himself and SSs and cut BM out as the intermediary. It isn't perfect and both SSs are still partially alienated, but we just try to focus on things they like to do with DH together and leave it at that. DH is fairly marginalized as a parent and rarely knows what's going on in their lives outside of their time with him, but that has to be enough for him right now, because BM is just too difficult. This makes it sound like I've solved it, but we haven't. It was an extremely painful experience. DH went to couseling with SS and they both cried during the first session. DH has become alienated from his family because they got involved. I am alienated from his family because they got involved. DH will forgive them and pretend like nothing happened. I won't forgive them and will keep them at arms length forever.
In my view, divorced dads with HCBMs have no chance. Society is so skewed towards "mother knows what's best" and "mothers always sacrifice for their children" that many people can't see that HCBMs are using their children for their own gain.
Your DH needs to pursue parallel parenting and find a lawyer who will help him craft a plan to do that, one who is familiar with HC ex wifes and also parental alienation. Also, they need an agreement where they pay separately. BM is not the intermediary. Most medical providers have experience with divorced parents and are happy to oblige. DH paid the orthodontist directly, which was a saving grace. He did not have to deal with BM about money and he knew exactly what he owed (the orthodontist calculated his percentage, based on his CO with BM and he owed a little over $1100, as compared to BM telling him that he owed her $3000).
This is all good advice -
This is all good advice - though not all doctor's offices will oblige as they want their bill paid, and as the doctor in their case said - their arguments are not her problem.
In our case, BM has to submit the receipt to DH and he knows exactly what portion he has to pay to her, by court order. It's not a big deal because he won't let her try to fool him without the receipt.
We tried this this week.
We tried this this week. Contacted the DR set up info for the $11 copay ($22 total)
BM through a fit.
-------------------------
OP who cares if bm has a fit. LET her have as many fits and she wants. Gheeze
Tell her YOU are paying the doctors office directly
Yo, BM go ahead pay your portion of the bill but leave my 11bucks alone. I am paying it my way.
Call the doctors office directly and pay them........
She had a fit
because she wants 100 % of the flyer miles/reward points/cash back.
I guess most people have 2k
@mamapajama I guess most people have 2k lying around to pay BM with? I don't see why DH being given an opportunity to pay the DR with a CC is coming across so wrong.
we don't have 2k to pay the BM in 30 days. A CC would allow DH to pay his debt and we just pay the CC off.
I feel like your response was extremely uncalled for honestly. We already have one BM sending hate mail; I'd appreciate not having it on here too.
it's what they said up top. She's attempting to make DH go bankrupt; making him look like he can't pay bills; and just making DHs life more difficult.
I also never said I was disengaged. This is all new and I was informed to come to this website for advice and help as a SM...which so far, even if it's been blunt and opposite of my thinking, I've appreciated and accepted the advice. But I don't appreciate yours.
DH does have an HSA (doesn't
DH does have an HSA (doesn't have $2k in it currently) but we didn't think he could use it since the skids are covered under their stepfathers imsurance. It's been something DH brought up in 2017 and will be discussed in court which is now June 2020. But DH is seeing how hard SD has been having it emotionally lately and how she's not talking to us at all when she's at BM house now. So I'm not sure if that can get changed if he decides to "drop the rope".