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Fingertips's picture

Submitted by Fingertips on Mon, 07/19/2010 - 4:06pm

Blogging is completely new to me. I don't know where to start so I'll start right in the middle and maybe be able to explain things as I go.

My DH and I are raising our niece, we have legal guardianship. My SIL was barely 14 when she had the child and my DH is 10 years older. My DH and I have been married for 3 years. My neice/daughter is now 5; I first met her when she was 8 months old; she started living with us 6mo after we got married. My SIL has been living with us since March because she and my MIL "just can't get along." My MIL lives about 5 minutes from my house. My SIL is on probation, she's unemployed and she's already flunked out of one "college". My DH can't understand why I'm bothered by having her live with us. It's difficult enough that I have to "parent" (and my DH keeps saying "you're her mom") when my SIL, whom my daughter knows is her biological mom, is around CONSTANTLY and letting her get away with stuff and watching Nikelodeon with her (not because the 5yo wants to...my DH calls his sister "emotionally immature") and does her hair and nails, and in general is A LOT cooler than I and more fun than I, etc, I mean my SIL never has to bathe her or tell her "no" or wake up with her in the middle of the night or do her laundry or pay for her daycare or make her pick up her toys or her dirty clothes or make her eat vegetables or go to sleep. It's all fun and games!!

This weekend my DH went to a concert/visit a friend out of town so I had the girls (my SIL and child) to myself. The youngest child was disobedient, clung to my SIL, ignored me and my SIL wasn't any help. Why should she be? It's not fun to say "no" and act like an adult.

[SIDENOTE: my MIL, SIL and DH all speak Spanish and English; I speak only English which doesn't stop them from speaking Spanish in front of me and cutting me out of conversations entirely which I hate. My DH says it shouldn't bother me.]

In addition, the child was calling my SIL "mommy" which we have told her to call me and DH, "mom" and "dad" which she usually does. Normally she calls my SIL by her given name. And when I went to buy groceries for supper, I got a voicemail from MIL's phone with SIL's voice, saying that MIL had picked up SIL and the child and they'd be back "later." Didn't ask permission about taking "my" child. Because DH is the ONLY one who thinks of me as the child's "mom" but doesn't back me up with either the in-laws or the child. Most of the time he thinks I'm "too mean."

WTF?!? Why are they making it so hard on me? I didn't ask for this! I didn't get married because I wanted kids and now I'm raising TWO of them? And they're both ungrateful and spoiled? My MIL enables it and my DH allows it, though to be fair I've seen slight improvements in attitude from him for which I am extremely grateful.

I'm hanging on my my fingertips. I hate being in my own home. I've worn out my own wonderful sister with my complaints, she's getting married in a month and she doesn't need to hear my bitching which is why I reached out here.

Help.

Comments

KTL's picture

Submitted by KTL on Mon, 07/19/2010 - 4:11pm

I can see how hard it would be for you, I think I would want BM to live anywhere but with me, because it is hard enough onyou the way things are, can't she go anywhere else?

KTL

Fingertips's picture

Submitted by Fingertips on Mon, 07/19/2010 - 4:19pm

Evidently not. No other relative wants her (no surprise) and not one of her friends is willing nor able. Believe me, I didn't want her living with us but I wasn't asked. The worst part is, my DH doesn't mind it at all. Of course the biological dad of the child is unknown and my MIL is unmarried so he is the ONLY male in her life; he can't understand because he has NO competition how difficult he makes it for me.

KTL's picture

Submitted by KTL on Mon, 07/19/2010 - 4:18pm

Hell,
Nice to meet you im new here also, people take awhile to warm up to new people I guess, im not getting many responcs either, please stay around people really help on another out. and good luck, they offer better advice than I can, im new here too.
Thanks, KTL

sm27's picture

Submitted by sm27 on Mon, 07/19/2010 - 4:23pm

I'm of Hispanic descent and my family also does the Spanglish thing. However, if I have friends around who don't understand Spanish, I try to keep the convo in English, or if the family member only speaks Spanish, I will respond in English (they all understand English to some extent).
It sounds like you're in a confusing situation. I feel badly for the child because there are clearly no boundaries when it comes to who the mother is. It sounds like your SIL is not willing to fullygiveup her parental rights and you are emotionally invested in this little girl. Are you planning on adoption?

KTL's picture

Submitted by KTL on Mon, 07/19/2010 - 4:30pm

Well if she has to stay, and they are going to speak spanish, you too need to learn that, for your daughter sake, so you know what is being said, or ask that BM only speak english which I think is not the right thing to do. Kids learn so easy, and your child is lucky to learn both.

When is she going to move?
Thanks, KTL

Fingertips's picture

Submitted by Fingertips on Mon, 07/19/2010 - 4:34pm

I'd love to learn Spanish (and I am trying, but having trouble finding the time) and I fully support the child learning Spanish. However, I think it is RUDE to cut someone out of conversation, especially when EVERYONE speaks English (my MIL came to the US over 30 years ago and has been a naturalized citizen since the '80s) I don't want "my" child to think that behavior is acceptable. But if I can't get my inlaws to respect me, how do I teach my child to respect others? How do I teach her compassion when everyone else around her discourages it?

My SIL likes to act like a mother but she has no real interest in being a real-life, sacrifing, adult mother. She loves that my child idolizes her and she doesn't have to actually do anything to achieve it. Of course she is excited when the child gets home, she's been watching TV all day and she's bored. And of course, if one of her friends calls to go out, she doesn't have to ask or find a babysitter or say no. It's the best of both worlds.

I am emotionally invested in this child. None of this is her fault (even the attitude she gets is mostly normal and encouraged by my in-laws and my DH) I don't think we are going to actually adopt her. My SIL would have to petition the courts to get back legal guardianship of the child and I'm pretty sure she's just too lazy. In addition, I don't see my SIL ever living a life in which she could support the child. Much easier to live off of us and still get to "play" mommy only when she feels like it. And my DH would feel bad about going into a court of law and badmouthing his sister--regardless of whether it's the truth.

Fingertips's picture

Submitted by Fingertips on Mon, 07/19/2010 - 4:39pm

Thanks KTL. I don't think she'll EVER leave. Why should she? She has no bills (my MIL pays her phone and the restitution she owes isn't really "real" to her) she has her own room, her own TV, laundry room, meals, cable, etc. My DH gives her bus money and money for UAs. She has NO responsibilities and NO need for independence. My DH will never kick her out and she knows it. I will die with her in my house.

KTL's picture

Submitted by KTL on Mon, 07/19/2010 - 4:52pm

What are your decisions going to be about your children? you need your mate on your side with this issue before it goes out of control, Do u have children together? I think stepaside has good views, you know hispanic mother's and how the son want's to please, it is like the MIL is the matrarc. Thanks, KTL

sm27's picture

Submitted by sm27 on Mon, 07/19/2010 - 4:55pm

Ugh. I'm familiar with this attitude. Hispanic men take pride in being the "macho provider" and do not like to share power. Some Hispanic women use this to their advantage and expect the man in their family to support them. You are in a really tough place right now, and honestly it doesn't look like it's going to work out in your favor. : /

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Tue, 07/20/2010 - 7:08am

I am not sure I am understanding what you are getting out of this relationship. DH doesn't really back you up. You are basically living in the house with an irresposible SIL. Most new marriages don't have half the issues you have. I hate to sound harsh, but, it sounds like you are being walked on.

Also, the Spanglish thing is frustrating. I speak a little spanish and my father's family does that. He is hispanic and we were not raised in a spanish speaking household, so when we visit his family, they do this the whole time. My mother never spoke any spanish and they drove her nuts. She spoke about it for years how it made her feel when they were first married. She finally quit seeing his family and my parents moved away.

This must just add to your frustration. It is a different culture and they are not doing anything to help you fit in. That is where your DH should be stepping in. Also, get the SIL out of the house. That is just uncomfortable.