RAAAAAAHHHH!! I can't do this anymore. Could be the end of us. I'm drained.
So it's been a little while since I've posted. There's been ups and downs...more downs.
#1) So school started a month ago...DH goes to pick up SS10 from school on the Wed so would have been his 2nd day of school...and...the boy is wearing a My Little Pony Backpack. (Believe me.....I'm all for equality and accept people for who they are blah blah BUT as a parent there is also something known as protecting your kid AND PARENTING!) My SS is quirky...he has liked MLP forever.... but for his mother to buy him that backpack and at least not talk to my DH about it prior to sending SS to school...is crappy. She goes on and on about co-parenting but she has NO clue on what that means...mainly because she has no idea what PARENTING is. And yes...kids pick on him....they have always...but this is adding fuel to the fire. I don't care that he says he is OK with it. And his mother just accepts that and thinks the school should deal with the bullying etc. No bitch - YOU are his mother....you should protect him and when he says he would like that backpack ....you can tell him NO. You don't say "it was one of those situations where you choose your battle..."....it's NOT a damn battle. He is the child...you the parent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But whatever...what do I know? I'm just the only adult that actually truly parents the kid. And I'm done doing that.
#2) My DH and I have talked about why is SS in Boy Scouts in his mother's town....they only do the same 2 things and never do anything camping wise. We even talked about having him go to it in our town so he can do more and actually get something out of it. This has been a conversation going on for 2 years now. Well.... my DH and I go away for a week vacation...we just got back last week...talk to SS about how his day/week went and he told us about a boy scout camping trip...I asked my DH if he knew about that and he said he didn't ...so that's 1 more annoying thing that the ex can't communicate....like how hard is it to say that the kid is going on a trip? BUT ... the frustrating thing was that it came out that my DH has known that they DO have camping trips...just the ex never had SS go to any......................................WELL......that is a little different than making me think that they don't do anything like that!!!
SO yeah....I have hit my boiling point where I can't stand my DH because I have no idea what he tells me is real/truth or not. And I have no idea how he can fix this...even if he could...he most likely won't try because he is a weak pathetic human being. Basically I've wasted the last 5 years of my life on someone I thought was better than he was. I was blind and stupid.
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Whoa. You are blaming the bm
Whoa. You are blaming the bm for not "communicating" what kind of backpack she bought her kid? Huh? It's not BM's fault the kid goes to school with assholes who make fun of his backpack.
And you're mad at your dh for not telling you that scouts sometimes go on camping trips? Seriously? I've never been in boy scouts, never had any family in scouts, but I'm pretty sure that it's common knowledge that boy scouts=a camping trip or two.
Maybe this isnt the relationship for you because I see no reason for you to be upset with anyone.
When you give your child a
When you give your child a target to wear to school for bullies to shoot at...I feel it would be benefical to maybe communicate that with the other person that you share a child with so they can be prepared for anything that may happen. It's decency. But who am I to care about a kid that isn't my own. He's just someone that is in my life 50/50.
And the camping trip is not the issue...that is great that they go on trips- that's the whole issue we had...we thought that pack never did anything more than rockets and car derby... My frustration was that my husband now comes out that he knew that they go on trips just that his ex never had their son go. So that was me just venting that I'm pissed that my husband would lie about something so petty and stupid.
Obviously I have issues. Thanks for pointing that out.
Wow. Thanks for the support.
Wow. Thanks for the support. Glad your lives are so peachy and great. And no, these aren't the 2 worst things that happen in my stepmothering experience. It's the final two things that have made me not give a crap anymore.
Considering
I am genuinely curious about you being upset over the backpack issue. It really is a very small thing. It's a backpack, not a haircut or tattoo. Even in my "intact marriage" I very rarely discuss things I buy for DD unless it's a luxury item. However, seeing that it should be a non issue, I wonder what deeper issues are happening to cause such a big reaction. I think maybe you have put yourself into the position of caring more than your DH does. He could very easily have gotten forewarning from SS about the backpack by having conversations with the kid. DH could have had more information about the scouting activities by worrying more about communicating with the scout leader and less about daydreaming of having SS move to a new troop.
Agreed.
Agreed.
OP - you're grumpy that your DH isn't parenting the way you think he should be, and that includes how he reacts to BM's parenting decisions.
Disengagement is going to be key if your DH has no desire to change. You can't make him be a different parent. You can't make him interact with BM a certain way. You'll drive yourself nuts trying to make him do something he doesn't want to do.
Your DH needs to feel the full effect of his parenting. If he doesn't step up to get SS to Boy Scout camp outs, then he needs to deal with SS suffering. If SS is made fun of for his backpack and your DH won't do anything about it, then he needs to deal with SS suffering. If you step in and try to make things better, all it does is teach DH that you'll make things better (not good, just better than they were before) and he'll never recognize that it hurts his son because you are protecting him (and SS) from that pain/problem.
Now, disengaging can also come with the nasty side effect of watching your DH, despite his son's suffering, do absolutely nothing different. Depending on the offense, this can kill any respect you have for your DH. However, I am a firm believer in it being better to see how someone will act when my influence is removed from the equation so I can determine if that person is actually as "good" as I think they are or if I am supplementing to make them the "good" I want them to be.
Yes, it means you have to watch SS suffer. However, you don't have the power or authority to change that. Only his parents do. If his parents, in particular his father, won't step in or up in these circumstances (and how they do that is dependent on their opinions/parenting style), then you'll have to decide if that inaction is enough to cause you to walk away. Either because you have lost respect for your spouse and/or you can't watch a kid suffer at the hands of ineffectual parenting.
You CANNOT fix this. If you don't like how your DH handles it, then you need to decide if you can stay and watch him do things differently than you would for 50% of your life with him.
Thank you - this is what I
Thank you - this is what I needed to read/hear. Seriously thank you!
I guess I do see how my
I guess I do see how my reaction is making me look like an a-hole. But at the same time I don't understand how people don't see it as being an issue? He is a 10 year old boy that is taking a pastel blue, pink, purple backpack meant for 5 year olds. I don't care that he loves My Little Ponies. That's great. I've bought him plenty of MLP things. But the fact is that kids are cruel. He's also at an age where it's not going to just be hurtful words. My feeling as a parent myself is you try to protect them and not put a target on their back. I did talk with him one morning before school and realized that he does know that it will get him picked on. I talked to him about ways of not letting the bullies get to him and how to react etc...it was a good talk and I then was ok with "the backpack". But it also broke my heart that he was "OK" with getting bullied.
But yes you are totally TOTALLY correct in that my DH could have talked with his son about it. And that is a huge issue. He lacks communicating skills with his son, his ex, and myself. And you are 100% correct in that I care more than my DH does. Or at least I show that I do.
I apologize to anyone I've snapped at regarding this today. I just feel that it is a situation that could have been avoided but I now realize it's not my situation to give a $h!t about. If his birth parents are fine with it then not my problem. I know my DH isn't ok with it but he wouldn't do anything about it because his ex wife has his balls in her purse. And anyway fast forwarding ahead - my DH's brother ended up buying him a different backpack as bribery. I also don't agree with that. Not sure why this kid is the one who runs the show. That's the whole problem. He has no adults that parent him.
And the boy scouts thing was just me venting frustration about my DH not being truthful with me and making me look and feel like a fool. And I want to say that it is going to be the last time he ever makes me feel that way again. I was hurt. Am hurt. And he doesn't seem to want to make it better...just thinks if he avoids any upseting topic it will get brushed under the mat.
It's not very often where I can actually say I can see why his ex wife left him. Lol. Don't ever tell her I said that!
You've got to
Dude, let it go about the backpack. You've made more of a fuss about it then his classmates will. If they do pick on him for it, he will either conform or learn to ignore hateful people and walk his own path. This is a great learning opportunity for him and he will appreciate later that his parents let him explore his interests with no judgement.
Ok. I hope that will be the
Ok. I hope that will be the case but I will make sure to let you know if you see him on the news in the future as a school shooter or a suicide victum because he was bullied to no end...not just for his backpack...for various things... the backpack was just added fuel.
Letting it go.
Since you care si much, why
Since you care si much, why not give your husband hell for not giving the school hell about the bullying?
You SS should not have to change who he is in order to keep the bullies in check. The school has a responsibility to protect him no matter what type of bag he has.
Mom was wrong for not giving the principal teachers and other parents hell for the way her son is being treated.
My son was a Bronie (that's
My son was a Bronie (that's what they are called) and wore a Bronie hat all through middle school, was he picked on? Yes, was he bullied? Yes, but we handled it with the school and at home and he made it throught junior high just fine. He never grew up to be some psycho who shot up the school.
I understand wanting your DH to take control of the situations and at least address them, but if he's not going to do that, then you need to accept that this is the level of parenting he is going to provide. As for Boy Scouts again my son was a part of that until high school and they would have camp out every few months or so, plus weekend rallies, or the soap box derbies, helping out around the community, etc. So I would believe that your DH has either been completely in the dark or he just doesn't want to be involved in those activites and therefore again showing you the level of parenting he wishses to provide.
Maybe DH doesn’t want to
Help out with boys scouts, He does not want to go camping with his son ? That why he’s not telling you any of this. He afraid that you will tell him to go camping with his son. I agree if you don’t want your son to be pick on He should not be using a MLP backpack. That just adding fuel to the fire
^ Same thing with making sure
^ Same thing with making sure your kid brushes their hair, uses deodorant, brushes teeth, has nice clothes to wear. The kid may love the oversized stained t-shirt, brushing their teeth is a hassle, I know I have a five year old who would NEVER brush her hair if she had a choice, but it's all to make sure the kid is healthy, well-groomed, and most importantly. Kids are so cruel. And while you can't protect the kid from everything, it's these little things that can help keep a kid from being bullied as much or as harshly. And even when the school deals with things, honestly it can still do a number on the kid.
I'm still split on the backpack. I love kids being able to express themselves and their likes and thoughts. But if you know your kid is bieng bullied, I think that's something you take into consideration to hopefully help shield them from the worst.
I understand your fustration
I understand your fustration and it seems like you are more invested than your SS's parents but darling please disengage. Do it for your own sanity and well being. We can't control everything but ourselves so be there for SS and let him know you are always available should he need someone to talk to.
Also its been established that your H is not 100% with you so remove yourself from it all and allow him to handle HIS issue.
Stay blessed and keep your head up....don't get your pressure up over something you can't control and that already happened.
I clicked on this blog
I clicked on this blog wondering what was making this particular stepmother feel like taking the bridge ... My Little Pony book bags and Boy Scout Troops?
This has nothing to do with those items, though - it's about control. And I don't mean that in a harsh way, as someone else said, many people try to control things out of anxiety. You may think you are a better parent than both DH and BM, and you may be 100% correct - but SS is THEIR kid. If they want him to embrace his inner Bronie, that's their choice. You may think it's an awful choice, but frankly, it's really none of your business.
It took me a really long time to accept that it was DH and BM's decision how they parented and raised their son, and if I didn't like it, well - that was none of my business.
(Plus, I will say, it's a bit arrogant to think you are the only one who really has his best interests at heart. They may think it's in his best interests to embrace his quirkiness and learn how to deal with other people's reactions).
So, let it go. It's not your kid and not your call. Your stress will go down immensely when you realize that.
Thanks.
It has been while since I posted. I am still a little angry at some and appreciate comments and opinions.
Not everyone can understand every situation. Some people are like... it isnt your kid and not your call etc. So what does that mean to people who adopt... or I mean... i went into this marriage as a partner... and there we go...
That is my answer to myself and that I finally (hopefully) realized.
My husband is lazy with parenting his own child. With mine he is great and notices everything. With my daycare kids he is quick to help and respond to stuff. His own. He is not. It seems to be a burden.
Not the man I married. Not the person I want to be with.
Heartbreaking. I went thru a period where we did this and then it got better and now I am back to hating him and everything.
I want to try to get our debt figured out before I screw things up more. I had more into it than him. Yep. I'm rude. No I'm stupid and realize it.
BUT I am going to work on disengagement again. It saddens me because I hate that my husband is an idiot (i blame his parents for not teaching him simple things).
But to be fair. Everyone is right about the MLP backpack and boy scouts.
NOT MY KID.
Right.