Am I being heartless?
Had to post this on the forums too. Need advice!
My Skids BM this past year has been diagnosed with breast cancer (stage lll). Dh has since then moved this kids Skids: Sd15 and both twin boys (Sss 13) in our home full time. I had to disengage from his kids due to lack of respect from them earlier, but I felt sorry for them with all that they've bee going thorugh, so I decided to re-engage..All three of them are in thereapy to help them process what has been going on with BM. Dh makes sure he spends indiviudal time with each kid, and all three of them together, so that they know that dh loves them and will always support them. For the most part with me, they're poliet, but there a little distant, but I let them know what if they ever need someone to talk to, or what/need anything , just to let me know. Dh doesn't ignore me or our 2 year old daughter either. Somehow he manages to make time for everyone.
My "issue" is that Dh has become Bm's emotional support thorugh is whole situation. He takes her to her appointments, drops her off at her house, he will take the kids to go see her, spend time with them, and bring them back, will call her everyday to see how's she feeling. I've expressed my concern to him, saying that we should be helping Bm as a COUPLE, i.e taking care of the skids, so she doesn't have to deal with unnecessary stress. He told me that she is the mother of his children, has to be there for her. Bm has other friends and family that are looking out for her- her parents visit her everday, her siblings (older brother and younger sister) also call her on a regular basis and spend the night at her home. I find it inapportate how much Dh and Bm communicate with eachother. It's almost as if, they are married and i'm just a stranger. There is no need for him so involved.
We've gotten into many fights where I told him, I would like him to not be so invested, and he's called me heartless and cruel. And I always find myself feeling gulity. I've spoken to my own family, and they all sympathize with BM; saying that she is the mother of his children and it nots werid for him to be so involved. i didn't say I don't feel bad for her. Let's help her as a COUPLE, but I'm made to look like a horrible person by everyone.
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That "mother of my children"
That "mother of my children" crap would annoy me. I agree it's over the top, especially if she has family and friends nearby. I could see communicating about the kids needs, driving them to see her and picking them up and maybe the odd favor here and there, but not that level of involvement.
Thank you!!!
I've been losing my mind because everyone seems to think I'm crazy.
I don't know how to bring it up with Dh without it becoming a huge blowout
no one but us
Really understands the dynamic, not like we do. Everyone else 'thinks your crazy", because they havent lived it, and this is an unnatural situation. I get that it "takes a village", and the whole "mother of my children" thing - as a bio-free married to a divorcee, we HAVE to get it, and out of respect for our DH's we can go that far our for an ex. But an ex is still an ex.
Behaving like he is still your husband, might be a knee-jerk reaction, but she has a support system.
Sorry you are going through this. I too, have an issue with too much ex in my life. I dont know what would happen if ToxicTroll got sick, other than we would file for a child support modification if we got full custody.
I can see your side, but I
I can see your side, but I can also see BM and DHs side. I don’t think you’re heartless, jealous maybe... Just like everyone’s marriage and stepfamily look different, everyone’s divorce looks different too. My DH has as little to do with his ex as possible. My aunt (I still call her that) and my uncle remained really good friends, despite each other getting remarried. If their spouses were jealous they never let on. In all honesty, if BM needed a ride to a doc’s appt, I cant see my DH refusing to drive her. Don’t get me wrong, he wouldn’t volunteer himself, but he’s a really nice guy (which is why I married him) and wouldn’t say no if she asked. Unless you really think your DH is cheating on you, I’d control my emotions, and let it go.
Respect and Consideration
Yes, every divorce is different. Still, the new partner and current relationship, especially current marriage should be prioritized and valued above any loyalty to the ex-spouse or ex-partner.
DH is Emotionally Unfaithful and BM is Understandably Selfish
Fatetich, you are right, DH and BM are both emotionally unfaithful and completely inconsiderate of you. Their marriage is over, and he has a wife, you. Cancer is tragic, as is any terminal illness, but they are not married anymore. Taking in the kids is understandable, taking them to visit their mother is acceptable. DH taking her to appointments is out of line and shows he is not really done with that romantic relationship. I would let him know that you will not hang around while he disrespects you and entertains unhealthy attachment to BM. I would also require counseling so a professional can explain the inappropriateness of it all to him. If he has to be that close to her, he should remarry her.
Oh HELL TO THE NO!!!!!!!!!!
Oh HELL TO THE NO!!!!!!!!!! I would be filing for divorce if my DH pulled that crap. UNACCEPTABLE.
A few errands, delivering the children - yes. Being her PARTNER is not. That's called an emotional affair. And that's often worse than a sexual affair.
You are not heartless
DH is totally wrong. He should not be that involved with BM. That all ended in his devorice and his marrage to you. He If is bowing up at you then he’s is sitll in a EA with BM. I would make it clear it’s either you or her. He can’t have it both ways. There is a 75% change she will live 5 years or more. Is this going to go on for the rest of your life.
I would not let my DW see her EX by herself or with kids. It was either him or me. If they wanted to play Happy Family they could of stayed together. She was not going to be with me and play Happy Family with him when ever she was in that mood
Why doesn't he take the kids
Why doesn't he take the kids and move back in with her? They could all be together.
My BFF had 3 different types
My BFF had 3 different types of BC found at the same time. And had acute sepsis from the chemo that left her in ICU for 10 days at death’s door.
Her exH and his wife brought some meals by and were concerned about her welfare, but what your DH is doing goes FAR BEYOND that. It’s one thing to offer assistance. But your DH is emotionally involved in a deep love relationship with a woman he used to be married to. Of course there’s no sex. But no sane woman want to have her husband emotionally doting on another woman - especially an ex.
No one is saying that he shouldn’t occasionally help out, but his actions have gone far beyond that and are a slap in the face to his wife. He’s acting like he is still in love with the ex. And maybe he is.
Eloquently said
Bingo! I couldn’t have said it better. It sounds like some people want to be entitled to hold onto their ex forever to the exclusion of everyone else’s feelings and best interests, and have zero respect for new spouses and partners.
Honestly thank you all so much
For the longest time I felt like I was inthe wrong for not being able to understand as to why dh has to be so involved with Bm.
I have no problem with taking the skids in full time to help Bm, don't have an issue with dh taking the kids to go see her, and helping her out once on a while.
Boundaries have been crossed and I would want to re-establish them again. Do I feel bad for bm? Yes, of course. I'm not heartless, but DH is MY husband. He does not need to be her emotional support, i don't mind him being a part of social support, that being said I take issue with him acting like her MAIN emotional support.
How do I bring it up to him without me looking like the bad guy??
Have you done anything wrong?
Have you done anything wrong? No? Then why would you be the bad guy? DH is the one betraying your trust and marriage, not you. So don't let him project his wrongs onto you.
You tell him what you just wrote in this post, word-for-word. If he becomes angry with you and tries to claim your feelings are wrong, I would pack a bag and let him reflect on his choice alone for a bit.
As soon as you told him you
As soon as you told him you weren't okay with it , he should have stopped and arranged for someone else to be with bm at her appointments.