Is this damage now irreparable?
Events of the past month are now hurting me so very much - each time I have had enough, he turns on just enough to keep me here. He seems to have no idea of the hurt he is causing me. It was his birthday yesterday - the previous evening he told me his son would be 'uncomfortable' if I came for a meal with them! Apparently, since his son moved out a month ago (yes, I'm blamed for that too!) nothing has been resolved. So, yet again, my fiance thinks I should bow out as his son is too important to upset! What about me?! I am so low down on his priority list.
Recently, he refused to go to the cinema when I had surprised him with tickets, because he did not want to leave SD16 alone for 2 or 3 hours! He has put me down in front of his kids, always sides with them. My birthday gift of a Grand Prix driving experience was not wanted by him (so I gave it to a good friend who appreciated it).
After this, he tried to make it up to me. What is it that I am I missing here? Am I so very stupid? We bought this house together only 6 months ago, but I feel like an outsider - my own kids no longer want to be here either. There is no quick solution - I have no money to move out, but I am so deeply hurt because he is always putting my needs to the bottom of the pile.
Is there any way at all I can show him it need not be like this? I have downloaded lots of articles about widowers and the problems they have in 'over protecting' their children due to grief issues. I understand what is happening, but need him to rescue us before it is too late.
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Lady
I can feel your pain when I read your words. You are being abused in the worse way and I wish there was a way for you to get out of there. Abusive people know how to play the game and they know how to win. I am so sorry for you to go through this. Do you have any one that can help you get out of this mess? All of the people on this forum have made mistakes or otherwise we would not be here. Sometimes we just have to admit it and move forward and make better lives for ourselves. Keep your chin up and start making plans for you future.
Thanks Sparky
I have been skirting round the idea of leaving certainly for the past 2 months. My money is all tied up in the house we bought together and I expect we will put it up for sale after the christmas holidays - no-one's buying houses at this time of year!
Unfortunately my parents live over 2 hours drive away so I really just have to get on with it.
If only he could see what he is doing - I honestly don't think he realises enough. He is just so guarded and protective of his kids. I have kids too, but they have never done to him what his have done to me. Because he allows it and condones it. It is really intolerable now, I feel broken by loving this man and yet he just doesn't seem to realise that he realy is losing my love and respect.
There are times...
There are times when no matter what we do or how hard we try the efforts are futile. I can only guess how frustrating this must be for you...and how much you must be hurting. I'm sure you know that we can't make someone change; they have to be willing to do it and that starts with acknowledging there is a problem.
It also sounds like you don't feel like you have many options since you don't have money to move out. So that just adds insult to injury.
The only way I would be able to handle this is to decide if I'm at a point to present an ultimatim. If I was at that point, I would make an appointment for a counselor, tell him when it is. Tell him if he doesn't show up then you will know that the marriage is over. Before I do this, I would take the necessary actions to secure my living arrangements. That could mean investigating how much is needed to move out (it may not be as much as you think) OR booking him a room in a hotel (use his credit card), packing up some of his things and showing him the door.
I guess this would be the way I would handle it. Because if after trying and trying, he doesn't get it and remains in denial then I'd have to make the hard decision to care for myself and my mental well-being.
There's many other things that could probably be done, but in this case, I just don't think gentle, coddling is in order any more.
The real estate market is
The real estate market is taking a hit everywhere. Your H will probably stay in the house and make the payments until it sells and that will help you. Or he may want to take out a home equity and pay you the money that you have invested. The relationship that he has with those kds is written in stone and it was written a long time before you got there.
The relationship with his
The relationship with his kids is not the issue, it's a symptom. Just because the kids were "there" first does not condone putting them first. Any professional therapist will tell you that the marriage comes first. Faith, do not buy in to the idea that just b/c the kids were there first, that you have to take a 2nd seat. It's not healthy for anyone. Your DH married YOU and long after the kids are moved out, you will be there. DH has to get his priorities straight. Again, insist on counseling if for no other reason than to know that you gave it the best effort you could.
Sometimes too much damage has been done...
Peoples emotions need to be treated with respect. Yes, a child is important but if a relationship is to work there has to be mutual respect for each others feelings. A relationship is a partnership and it takes work from both people. Courtesy; love and friendship.
Sometimes we have to take a realy long hard look at whether or not we would be happier somewhere else. Sadly, the other person frequently is in denial that we will walk away. Yet life can be better once we make that decision.
Kevin
We've all been there
It's like a pendulum swinging, sometimes you wonder if you should cut and run. The going in these relationships is a lot harder than in the average relationship.
I'm having one of these moments right now. Like you say though, houses keep you feeling trapped and often your relationhsip is not the real issue, it is all the pressure outside the relatonship taking its toll.
still if we'd known then what we know now we probably wouldn't have bothered but we invest a lot more in these relationships because of all the difficulties.
I do wonder frequently whether my need to have my life on my terms without the bitch (BM) dictating to us what we are doing when creates problems of its own. B/c I am the strong one in our relationship I tend to arrange our lives so that there are boundaries and known quantities to deal with. However, it creates a situation where I am doing all the worrying, organising and taking the responsibiity that DH should take on - but he is truly useless at these things! The alternative is him cocking it up and her dictating our lives which I can't handle.
Tired of giving all the time while DH takes it for granted.