I'm just getting used to my new role as "an evil stepmother" at least according to my SD18 and MIL and most likely a few of SD's Aunts. I can't help but wonder what earned me this title. I married my DH 3 years ago and at that time he had custody of his son (12 at the time) and daughter (15 at the time). I was child-free and have never been married. I'd dated a bunch of guys with small children and I was always "the fun one", Never in a role to be an influence, a disciplinarian, yet I was just thrown in that role when I said "I do". And yes I've heard it over and over, "You knew he had kids when you married him" and you are right, I certainly did and I loved his kids and I think they loved me back but I had no idea what I was doing. No one gave me a book to read to learn to be a step mother, no short courses, nothing but hands on training in the trenches with DH. They say the first year of marriage is tough and it was, I was used to living alone, he was used to living with a family. We all butted heads at times as we got used to our roles in the family. And yes I am 100% sure I made mistakes and many since then but at no time was there any intention of malice on my part. I was doing the best I could (remember I had and still have, NO IDEA how to be a step mother). Hey at least I'm honest, right?

I fell in love instantly with SS, we were so close when we met but as time passed, as as boys do, he became a teenager and became increasingly difficult to handle, although trust me, I tried. I took time off work to attend meetings with his teachers and emailed his birth mom often to fill her in encourage her input into his life. Did I fail him, perhaps.....I do know I made mistakes. And if i caused him to move back in with his birth mother I am sorry. If he left because he could not follow the rules of our home and felt it was "easier" to go back his birth mother, then no, I am not sorry. Our home was in chaos and the stress was insane. From sneaking out to running away in ice storms. You don't know it unless you've lived it. I did the best I could.

As the wife, female in the house, I feel into the role of Mom. For any gatherings for SD, it was me who ordered and picked up the cake, prepared the food. When SD had to go to the dentist, doctor, it was me who took off work to take her (at her request). It was me behind the scenes fighting her Daddy to let her grow up, extend her curfew. Many times keeping his temper from boiling over in anger at her. I wanted him to stop seeing her as a baby and start seeing her as a capable young woman, That included not remaindering her to do what she already knows needed to be done. Letting her take the initiative in her life and stop bailing her out when she was being lazy.. I feel I did no harm and gave my opinion out of only love for my SD. I wanted her to grown up to be a independent, fully capable young lady. I signed her up at my employment to allow her a 75% off tuition discount at the local college and have encouraged her to get her degree, or at least some sort of further schooling. I have worked extremely hard for 25 years for this discount to be offered and I don't take the huge gift from my employer lightly, nor do I feel SD should. Do I expect gratitude, not past the initial thank you but I do expect SD to to treat me with respect in my home and provide me with access to the financial paperwork associated with this discount for tax purposes and yet that has been met with a resounding "no thanks"

So I guess I can get to the point of this blog, thank you MIL for pointing out to DH that I am NOT SD's mother. Do you really think falling into this "role" as a SM has been easy? As a step mother yourself you could at least consider listening to my point of view before believing the exaggerations of a disgruntled teenager? Yes, I guess I am "an evil stepmother", I do believe my SD should do chores, if she doesn't do them now, how in the world will she be able to do them when she goes out in the world. Is she our housekeeper, no? Do you realize that when i met DH, SD was doing all the housework and a lot of the cooking? And yes, I did want her to get a job at 16, it never hurts to teach a child about the value of a dollar and just how much work it takes to earn that dollar. Do no harm, again, I do not believe her working at a part time job is doing her any harm. Yes she should pay her own insurance; driving is a privilege and one that should not be taken lightly. And to be honest, I am very proud of her in that regards, she saved enough for her car and her insurance. She's doing it on her own. I expect her to see the garbage is full and take it out; run the dishwasher and empty it when it's done, clean up after herself, etc. And yes that is my parenting style. That is the way my mother raised me and my brother. And trust me, at 18 I hated my mother and step father too and probably complained to anyone who would listen. But now at 47, I am so incredibly grateful. You see I have been an independent, fully capable young lady since I got out of school. I have never had to depend on another human being to get what I needed. Although modest, I always had a roof over my head, food in my belly and a job. My home was neat and tidy, my clothes were washed and I was able to balance a checkbook. I got to wait until I found the man of my dreams to get married because I've never had to settled to have someone to take care of me and my needs.

I am so sorry I failed so badly as a "step mother" but I can assure you I now know my "role". I am the woman her is married to SD's father. I am no longer responsible for anything but her safety. I will detach from her. I will detach from the girl who's mother left her and first "step mother" ignored when she was two feet away. I have come to realize that I will never break through to her, at least not when I'm watching and waiting to. Since I am not her mother I will no longer treat her as I would treat my own daughter, which is what I was trying to do.

I'm tired of walking this tight rope of "not mother/mother". You can't take the best of me and leave the rest at your choosing. So in a way, I thank you, I should have a lot more free time. I will leave all things SD related to DH to handle. I understand very clearly, she is not my daughter.

Perhaps though, before you completely discount any of the positive I have brought to this family, you should consider the love and joy I have brought to your son. I truly love him and he truly loves me. We, together, have built a wonderful lives for ourselves. We have created a home that we had hoped would be filled with love of family and friends.