OK, here goes.

Some of this is going to get quite, um, out of sequence...but only because everything happened so fast! It was like some slip-and-slide ride into hell.

If you have read my previous blogs, you know what's up. You know why everything happened the way it did. Enough said on the past.

The first time I noticed something "funny" about my would-be step daughter was when she was 4.

Her birth mom had lost a ton of rights, but she still was allowed to see her occasionally. I suspect this was out of necessity and nothing more. The dad in question was in school, and working at the time...and had no one to leave the girl with.

Anyway, he'd left the girl with her bio mom for a Saturday afternoon. He thought this was going to be spent in the woman's home, but a phone call later on said different. The mom was, once again, babysitting, and the child went along. Her dad insisted on picking her up right away (as you can imagine).

He and I happened to be hanging out that day, so I went with him.

We pulled up to this huge house in a great neighborhood, and he asked that I wait in the car while he retrieved his kiddo. "Fine by me", I said, as I wanted nothing to do with seeing the bio mom anymore.

He knocked on the door, and the ex answered. His ex stepped outside to talk to him, leaving the front door open behind them. I sat people-watching, feeling the dread of knowing that a verbal joust was probably going to break out between the two of them.

But they were cool, calm, rational.

What was NOT normal was seeing what was going on behind them as they spoke.

The step daughter GLIDED by the open door, with a handful of another child's hair, dragging it (don't know if it was a boy or girl, sorry) along behind her. The pulled child was kicking and screaming, obviously, but the girl kept pulling along, like the drag-ee was no more than a heavy tote bag.

A moment later? The same scene occurred, but this time in the other direction.

I stepped out of the car and asked if either of the adults in front of the door was seeing the goings-on, and that prompted the so-called babysitter to put a stop to it.

The thing of it is; the girl, my future step child, had no expression on her face as she dragged the other kid across the house. I mean, nothing at all was going on behind her eyes. It was, as if, pulling another person by the hair was just a thing to do....

I don't know. *shrug* I'll drop that subject. Really, it's only a bridge to the next terrible thing to happen....much like every entry will be.

OK. Two weeks later, the dad and daughter come to visit me at my home. My second son was 1, maybe a little over that, at the time. He was tiny, adorable, new, and an awesome thing to behold for someone her age. As soon as she saw I had a baby, she jumped at the chance to be near him.

Remembering what I'd seen before, though, I was hesitant. I finally said she could "hang out" with him as he toddled around, but only if she promised to follow some rules:

1. "The top of my son's head is soft, honey, so you can't touch him there or rub his head too hard. All babies have a soft spot there, and we all have to be careful of those places."

2. Stay where I can see you both. That means you can't go into the back of the house into the bedrooms. You can be in the living room, dining room, or kitchen.

That was it, and that was all she had to follow.

Her dad and I sat chatting for about...gosh, maybe 3 minutes before I noticed that the house was TOO quiet. I got up and looked for the kids, but couldn't find them. I could HEAR them, but couldn't see them. I freaked a little.

Her dad and I walked around searching until we finally realized that she and the baby were hiding behind the heavy curtains that covered the patio doors in the dining room.

He and I felt stupid for "losing" them to a curtain, of all things, so we giggled quietly at ourselves as we snuck up to see what they were up to.

His daughter was hidden with my son, and what she was doing to him was remarkable. SHE WAS USING THE KNUCKLE OF HER MIDDLE FINGER TO HIT HIM ON THE VERY SPOT I SAID SHE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO TOUCH.

I hollered for her to stop it, and so did he, be we had to say it twice before she got any clue that someone was there with her.

She stopped, looked up at us, and asked, "What the matter?"

I said (trying to be calm to the girl who'd been abused), "Remember how I told you that no one can touch the top of a baby's head?"

She smiled at me, coolly, and replied, "Oh, yeah. I just wanted to see what would happen to him if I did it."

Her dad said, "I told you myself that it would hurt or kill a baby if someone was too rough there!"

She answered, "I wanted to see if you were lying."

????

That was age 4. She was young, though, and had just gotten through a TERRIBLE experience, so I TRIED to keep that in mind.

At age five, she and her dad came for a visit. She locked herself in the room with my kids and....did something really bad with a balloon in front of her captive audience.

My older son was yelling something fierce right away (and they were only out of our sight for maybe 10 minutes), and so was his brother...though I think the youngest was just copying. Either way, we got the door open and asked what happened.

I don't even know if I can go into this without sounding like I am bat shit insane.

My oldest son told me that the girl had pulled her pants down and did something bad. He wouldn't say what. My youngest wouldn't have been able to say what he saw in a clear way. But the girl was pretty clear. In short form? Pants down, balloon, in front of my sons.

I heard this and asked that he take his child away from my kids, my house, and our lives until she got further help.

I felt for her, still loved her....but that is how that kind of perverted behavior gets passed along, you know? I couldn't, no matter how I wanted to be close to her, have the girl harming my sons.

A few months down the line, my friend showed up for a visit...again...with his daughter in tow.

I'd missed them both, and she was acting nicer....different...I don't know. She just seemed more mature.

Noting bad happened, either. She was sweet. My kids liked being around her. I never allowed them to be alone again, obviously, but she seemed OK with that.

Her dad and I spent time together with our kids. They became friends, the girl got affectionate and warm with me. He, in turn, got close to my sons...and to this day he is an EXCELLENT step dad to them (I have to give him that).

We were all happy together for several months.

And then I fell in love with the man, and he loved me back.

It was so, so good. I fell in love with my BEST friend, ya see. What could be better? Our kids were good together and we loved them immensely.

It all stayed happy and cool....for about a year. Then all sorts of shit hit the fan...and it hasn't stopped yet.

My next entries will focus on occurrences, some without a back story, because I have to get this straight in my own head. Yes, I want help and advice, for sure....but, I am really thinking of running away from all of this, and I have to use what is written in this blog to aid me in re-evaluating my situation.

Does that make sense?

If I don't blog for a day or two at a time, plz don't get impatient. I promise that I am not posting this way to draw things out or something. I just have to be careful with what I write....because something within these vent sessions could be the key to fixing everything....or the key to understanding that I am NOT the crazy one here, and I have to jet.

Until next time....