I have to ask---If he is an alcoholic, why would you not want SUPERVISED visits (by another party, preferably non-biased, not yourself) between your child & him? I highly suggest you get proof of his alcoholism to take to court with you. Your words will not show the judge that your soon-to-be-ex is truly an alcoholic. If you are going to truly fight him on this you will have to be prepared to show that his character is bad and not in the best interest of the child.

I wish you luck.

First, I'm sorry that you are being faced with divorce. I'm sorry that your dh is an alcoholic that won't admit it or seek help. Please please seek the advice of an attorney. Substance abuse is impossible to prove unless there is documented evidence by hospitals or police. Your word against his isn't going to be enough.

As far as visitation, yes I have heard that there are no overnight visits with non-custodial parents (usually the fathers) for the first year when divorce occurs when children are infants. I have heard that this is especially true when mothers are nursing. Also, I believe this is true b/c family courts feel it is detrimental to the child to separate the child from the mother during night time hours or prolonged periods of time. I do however think that you will not be successful in getting this arrangement made for the first 4 years unless he just agrees to it.

I have heard once the child reaches 1, then visitations become overnight and eow schedule begins. Not sure why you want this arrangement until 4, but if it is b/c dh has a substance abuse problem, then bring it up now, don't wait until you lose in a court battle. You will make yourself out to look as if you are creating false reports just to get what you want, rather than appearing to have legitimate concern.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you,
Candice

This used to be the standard for custody cases, especially when very small children were involved. The belief was that only a mother could provide the appropriate type and level of care required by a very young child. It was cited in my divorce eleven years ago and also in DH's divorce eight years ago... no overnight visits until the child was at least three years of age. Whether or not it's still considered today to be a valid reason for limiting visitation, I don't know. If you were breastfeeding exclusively, then I would say that alone could buy you a year or so, but with the number of single men and even gay male couples adopting these days, I don't know if that doctrine would hold much sway today.

But the very best advice I could give anyone in your shoes is to work with your ex to come to some kind of mutually acceptable plan where he will be able to and want to stay in his daughter's life and maybe achieve sobriety so as to be a good parent to her. You say that he's an alcoholic and won't admit it. My DH is a former Marine Corps substance abuse counseling officer. He explained to me the difference between an alcoholic and someone who abuses alcohol to cope with situational issues. Which is your ex-to-be?

If he truly is an alcoholic - meaning he is addicted, cannot control his addiction and will be drinking excessively while the child is in his care - then I would have reservations about turning her over to him unsupervised at all. Bad things can happen during daylight hours just as easily as they can overnight.

If he is a situational abuser - meaning he gets drunk to escape situations, but is not addicted and doesn't have to have alcohol to get through each day - then I would probably be more lenient on giving him the time, because he would likely not be drinking around her. It's possible even that his drinking would lessen once the divorce issues are resolved, especially if they are resolved amicably. It's the difference between drinking because he needs to and drinking because he wants to. I think that's an important distinction to make before you cut him out of his child's life. (Not that you would do that, just saying "if.")

But back to the original question, it's the tender years doctrine you're thinking of that encouraged courts to leave small children with their mothers.

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

I have the hiccups and hit post twice! Sorry! :O

~ Anne ~

"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook

happened to a friend of mine. Here's what happened.

The child was 8 mos old. BM felt the same as you, the father was an alcoholic, and would only agree to hours during the day for the visitation with no overnights. BM also wanted this arrangement for the first 3 years of his life. She never really felt comfortable with visitation because of whatever reason. Personally, I think it was because of the new wife. She was a former stripper and didn't have custody of her two kids that lived in a neighboring state. So she withheld visitation based on the idea that he was an alcoholic (based on the two DUI's he had received in the past 5 years, most recent was 4 months prior). He filed contempt of court when she wouldn't allow overnights per the temporary orders. She hired an attorney and fought him tooth and nail: a Guardian Ad Litem was appointed,home inspections,thorough psych evaluations, parenting classes and so on and so on.

BM lost. Well sort of. He was awarded every other weekend with one night on the off week, split holiday schedule, and half the summer. He was also court ordered to attend counseling sessions for his alcoholism and is forbidden to use alcohol in the child's presence. Otherwise he loses custody permanently. Between the two of them, I bet they spent well over $20,000 a piece on the whole ordeal.

Here's the thing, they were both my friends (knew them from high school). I also think she had very valid concerns. Her ex is what he is, I might not go as far as an alcoholic, but she knew what he was when she decided to have a baby with him. He still deserves to see his child and be a part of his life. That little boy needs his dad too. A healthy child will always benefit from the attention of two parents, I mean that's a given. That's exactly what I told her. She hasn't spoken to me since. I've actually become friends with the SM (who has since retained custody of her kids), she even promises to teach me how to give a lap dance, so I can surprise my hubby.

So my advice. Since you do have valid concerns, address it in your divorce. Make visitation contingent upon him straightening out. But your daughter needs a dad and I think no overnights for four years is a little extreme. It's all that more stressful for you as well. Take it from someone who was forced to be single mom. My favorite term is a divorce-activated dad. They are forced to be responsible once the other parent isn't there. My vote is give him a chance to be a dad. Especially since he wants that chance.

Best of luck.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."

A few cases I know, if there is a question of alcohol, drug, or physical abuse, that the non-custodial parent is not allowed to have any alcohol in the house when the minor child is there. I would ask your attorney about that wording.
Peace, love, and red wine