My Christmas experience, in case anyone can empathize
Christmas this year was not near as bad as it has been in the past, as I didn't have to see SD19 even once. She was brought up to me a few times, but I can deal with that.
DH went to our old town to do some work and of course got together with SD19 to celebrate Christmas. Let me explain that this consists of him giving her gifts, buying her dinner, and taking her shopping. BDs wanted to call their daddy and he was with SD19 so they got on the phone with her (on speakerphone). SD had almost nothing to say to them, just sat there in silence, asked them one question each and then got off the phone. BD6 left the room with the phone and when I called her back, she said, "I left so you didn't have to hear SD19's voice." How did a 6 year old pick up on how much I do NOT like SD19? Ooops.
Anyway, DH comes back and tells me SD19 sent $20 each for our two BDs for Christmas. Then he informed me SD19 didn't buy him anything for Christmas but "That's OK. I'd rather she spend her money on our two BDs anyway." Then the obvious, to me, "Of course she didn't get anything for you," followed by a chuckle. Um, big surprise.
BUT, I don't think SD19 DID give them $20 each. I think DH did that to cover up for SD19 again as a taker and not a giver. Because, he had a stack of $20s in his wallet like you get from an atm, all together and kind of stuck together. I think he got money and said it came from SD19. Covering for her even now.
DH also informed me he only spent $45 on SD19's Christmas gifts, which I don't believe for a second. Claims he gave her a Starbucks gift card and a curling iron. Considering his attitude toward SD19, it had to be easily twice what he said, so more like $90, plus she asked him to take her shopping and I'm sure he bought her dinner, so I really have no idea how much he actually spend on SD19's Christmas, and I never will.
All in all, it could have been much worse. I think I'm going to LIKE not having SD19 around!
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Comments
It's hard to not be irritated
It's hard to not be irritated for sure. Choose the lesser of the two evils.
"I left so you didn't have to
"I left so you didn't have to hear SD19's voice." How did a 6 year old pick up on how much I do NOT like SD19? Ooops.
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Oh my...lol. You may want to watch that. But I know exactly how you feel.
You are definitely entitled
You are definitely entitled to your opinion.
SD never visits through her own choice, she chooses not to have a relationship with our two BDs who are her half sisters.
I think BD9, who is old enough to see how SD19 treats me and dislikes it, has been talking to BD6 about the situation (they share a room). I do not talk about SD19 in front of BD6.
I am the primary breadwinner in this family. In fact, DH is currently unemployed. DH has a history of going WAY overboard on SD19. It is absolutely a one-way street. SD19 doesn't even know when DH's birthday is, let alone actually buy him a present. I was only angry when DH took BDs to visit SD19 when they were younger and it was really inconvenient and tiring for them, and then he would get mad about how SD19 or our two BDs acted and take it out on them. Or let SD19 talk bad about me in front of them so that BD9 came home in tears.
DH refuses to separate finances. He also still insists on spending inordinately larger amounts of money on SD19 versus our two BDs because of his guilt.
And how can it be that I "send her nothing" when it is MY money buying her gifts, paying for her college, paying for her insurance, paying everything and she absolutely refuses to even acknowledge my existence? DH has admitted that if we separate finances and he had to pay half, he wouldn't be able to give SD19 anything.
Reasons for disliking SD19 are many, too long to list here. She has tried and succeeded in physically harming my two BDs, she has tried to shove me down the stairs, had lied and told her father and BM I hit her, has hit me and then said I hit her, has stolen from me (including expensive electronics and jewelry), has been hospitalized for mental illness when she threatened suicide because BM took her cell phone away, has told DH she would rather kill herself than visit him, I could go on and on.
I don't care if SD19 buys my two BDs gifts. She rarely does, and they have gotten nearly nothing from her their entire lives. I do care that DH lies to cover for SD19 and then BDs think she is great when she's not. Just be truthful.
Question: do you keep your
Question: do you keep your money separate? If not, I would advise it. I keep my money separate from my husband (I am currently hating him so I can not use DH since he is not dear to me) and it makes it much easier when he spends money on SD11 who I am not a fan of currently.
And, of course you are right that your SD did not send $20 to your kids. Of course you are right when you observe that your husband is covering for her even now. My whole purpose online today is to validate each and every step mom who is too beaten down to trust her instincts. YOU ARE RIGHT.
DH refuses to separate
DH refuses to separate finances. I wish.
Appreciate the validation. I just needed to vent about the continued lies and coverup. When will DH admit that SD19 is what/who she is?
How can he "refuse" to
How can he "refuse" to separate finances?
All you need to do is to open your own account and have any money deposited into THAT account instead of the current one. Then transfer x amount to the current account to cover your part of the bills.
How can he refuse to do something when it is totally you who would be doing it?
DH refuses to separate
DH refuses to separate finances
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So? do it anyway and stop paying for all of this stuff for your SD. Just because HE refuses,does not make it law.
How can an unemployed person
How can an unemployed person have the final say on how money is divided or spent.
DH refuses to separate
DH refuses to separate finances. He also still insists on spending inordinately larger amounts of money on SD19 versus our two BDs because of his guilt.
This would not sit well with me, considering he is unemployed. Of course he doesn't want split finances! I would not pay for anything for someone who can't even acknowledge my existence.
The bigger problem here is your DH. Not only the money/guilt thing but his lying and covering for your SD.
When will DH admit that SD19 is what/who she is?
Probably never, since he would also have to admit that he is partially responsible for what/who she is.
I am glad you didn't have to see her but you sure paid for it!
Hereiam, I think you have hit
Hereiam, I think you have hit on the crux of my problem with the whole situation:
"I would not pay for anything for someone who can't even acknowledge my existence."
That bothers me very much. Why is MY money going to fund a college experience, Christmas gifts, concerts, hair care, eyeglasses, etc., for someone who refuses to admit I exist?!
Why is MY money going to fund
Why is MY money going to fund a college experience, Christmas gifts, concerts, hair care, eyeglasses, etc., for someone who refuses to admit I exist?!
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Because you allow it. Not other reason at all. sorry
Perhaps you are right Willow.
Perhaps you are right Willow. DH has flat out told me that if I separate our finances we will get divorced. So I try to "control" it somewhat by keeping on top of what is spent and what goes to SD19, and if that translates to micromanagement or whatever else people think, I'm doing the best I can.
that would be all i needed to
that would be all i needed to hear to seperate finances, then me from him! how the hell does that smart ass think he's going to divorce you with no money? you have the upper hand here. i would leave the ungrateful asswipe high and dry.
DH has flat out told me that
DH has flat out told me that if I separate our finances we will get divorced
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OMG...he sounds like a total loser jerk. That would probably be a deal breaker for me.
WTH!! So your marriage is
WTH!!
So your marriage is based on his ( and SD's) ability to use you?
No wonder his daughter is an ass. She learned it from him.
Ask yourself this. Do you
Ask yourself this. Do you REALLY think your DH would divorce you if you separated your finances?! He likely could not afford to and all he is trying to do is use and control you. Your DH knows YOU have the upper hand in your marriage because he is unemployed and you are the main breadwinner, and yet he allows his DD to act like a brat, uses you as an ATM, disrespects you, and all the while he uses the one club to hold over you. Divorce.
He would rather threaten you, your marriage, your mutual children's future happiness and stability than act like a husband, screw his sensible head on and cut back on taking the piss. Nah, thats too much work for him and that would mean he would lose face with sd19. Better he threaten you, while you allow it because you are afraid. Its understandable, I do get that BUT I always think its not only about losing respect for him but for yourself by allowing someone to do that to you, your girls. They will learn from YOU what is acceptable behaviour from future partners and what to put up with.
In this circumstances I genuinely think you should call DH's bluff about divorcing you and separate your finances. Do it and then when he notices and pulls a tantrum, tell him to knock himself out with *divorcing* you, starting with moving out and remind him that unfortunately given the fact you have given him numerous chances to check his spending and he refuses, then you have had no other option but this. I would back this up with some legal advice about where you stand legally and financially (information is power and when DH blows, you can reel off some legal info with confidence which will freak him out, well deserved imo, and HE will realise he has come to a dead end).
Bonus is, you can take some self respect back and stop allowing DH and his spawn from taking the piss out of you, your generousity.
DH has flat out told me that
DH has flat out told me that if I separate our finances we will get divorced
He has a lot of nerve, being unemployed and all, as he just sits back and lets you provide for him and his daughter.
From what I have read, you would come out way ahead.
It definitely sounds like you are being used by both of them.
I really need to do a blog
I really need to do a blog because the spending money on their child thing boggles my mind.