SD rule my house for half the week!
Hey everyone I'm new and so glad to have found this site.
I am going through hell and starting to wonder if I made a big mistake! I have been with my husband for coming up to seven years and been in his daughters life one 15 and one 17 for five years. We tied the knot in March and as predicted my already nasty SD s have become even more abusive and impossible to live with. Last week was it for me. I asked them why they did not want to come out of their rooms and spend time with their father for his birthday. The oldest glared at me and told me she was dealing with OCD and the youngest just laughed. They then came out of their rooms and proceeded to air every resentment they had ever had towards me dating back two years. While I was upset at my husband for not sticking up for me or showing any leadership the thing that upset me the most was when the oldest started saying" mommy thinks you hate her and mommy said you canceled a coffee with her to talk about me. I was so shocked and instead of practicing boundaries I just justified myself and I was furious realizing that the mom( as I suspected all along) is putting me and their father down to the girls. For weeks both myself and my husband have been trying to integrate the family more as we prepare to live together in one home going forward. Right now I still have my own place and live with him when the girls stay with thei mom. We are super struggling because even though we have had a ton of arguments my husband cannot provide structure for his girls unless I am around. They make food leave the kitchen an absolute mess and don't clean it unless asked by their dad several times and they count on him not following through. The 17 year old does not help out or participate in anything. We still do both their laundry. When he does ask her to clean the table after I have made dinner she scowls and says her OCD won't let her. He allows it. Up until we got married I would try and come over and spend time with them and the oldest would go to her room every time until I gave up. My husband refused to call her out on it. The youngest 15 is pissed off at me because I don't want my husband spending Christmas morning with his ex and the girls without me anymore. Of course he never stuck up for me other than to say she has spent the last few years on Christmas morning alone. I could go on but suffice to say I have a husband who doesn't parent. He watches hours of TV with them cleans up after them and then they go home. It's pretty much like they come to dads hotel. I can detach from that if they stop dumping on me. This past year my youngest favourite thing to do was tell me she had been to a friends place outside of the bubble and then jokingly laugh at me. Mommy said it was fine. Meanwhile I have asthma and could have been exposed to the virus. I knew their moms last girlfriend who was a friend of mine and she confirmed that my husbands ex is a narcissist so co parenting is out! We are currently fighting because I am taking a break away from them. He called me a coward and said I knew he had kids so why did I marry him. I wish I would have said I didn't realize that meant I get to be the punching bag for the zero parenting that goes on with their dad. I never signed up for that.
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He called you a coward? I
He called you a coward? I suggest you tell him that if he parented his kids and taught them to behave like decent human beings perhaps you wouldn't want to take breaks from them. Why would anyone want to be around people who are nasty, rude and inconsiderate?
PS - I don't thik OCD means what that kid thinks it means... either way, it shouldn't stop her helping out.
PPS - Stop doing their laundry! If he wants to do it, fine, but you shouldn't touch it at all!
Told him I didn’t like his kids because they are rude
Thanks for the feedback. Yes I told him tonight for the first time that I didn't like his kids because they have not been taught how to treat me with respect, are nasty and rude. There are zero consequences for bad behaviour and they walk all over him and me. Tonight I said I was taking a break and after I get my second shot will be remaining away from them for 14 days since my youngest loves to rub into me that she doesn't follow the rules and her mom is fine with it. I also told him he would have to drive his own Daughter to school for the next two Fridays and take time off work because it wasn't worth me exposing myself. I told him that I will no longer tolerate disrespect which means that I will be standing up and setting boundaries and was he prepared for the fact that they would likely really not like me and end up living with their moms. At this point I have nothing to lose as they treat me badly anyways. He said he understood apologized for the coward comment and we will see what happens. I am so burned out but feel really good about telling him tonight that I am done trying. There needs to be some reciprocity and yes I need to stop doing there dam laundry and cleaning their dirty bathroom!
Good for you! That's a step
Good for you! That's a step in the right direction. Now, it's time to disengage from all the rest. No more driving them anywhere. No more cleaning for them. No more going out of your way to do anything for them. As for the pissy remark he made about you knowing that he had kids when you married him ... you also knew that they had two parents and that you married him, not his offspring.
Disengagement - ok to stay at my house?
I get so confused about what my role as wife is? Is it ok to live at my place when the kids are with him? Not help out with dinners etc? We have had a weekly tradition of my coming over Thursdays to have dinner with the SD15 and SD 17 but lately it's turned in to me cooking for them and one or both making snide remarks etc For a very long time the SD with OCD would never eat my food and I had to guess what the hell was going on. She constantly blames her rudeness on her OCD. I also belong to CODA and I get so confused about the disengagement because I have had people in coda say that's weird just pack up your place and move in full time. Even weirder is the SDs asked me to move in with them after we married and I was like oh hell no! I am not falling for that trap. Also my oldest SD blurted out she loved me the other day during dinner and I really wish it were true but she shows me in all kinds of ways that she absolutely does not love me. I think it was a performance for her dad because he tells her that I think she doesn't like me but what does he expect me to think when ttroughout the entire 2020 every time I came over to visit outside of the dinner on Thursdays she would hide in her room. Is it ok for me to stay at my place stay connected to my husband but not see them?
I suspect that the people who
I suspect that the people who are telling you that the situation is weird have little to no experience of the step world nor living with two teens who have no manners, no discipline and no respect.
For the record, OCD is not an excuse for her rudeness.
Personally, I see no reason for you not to keep your place if it keeps you sane and happy. Tell your husband that you'll move in once his daughters have launched and not before.
Severe OCD
She has severe diagnosed OCD and is on a lot of medication for it. As of late, the medication seems to be working finally! So there is no excuse for not helping at all. She is lazy and has learned that both her BM and dad step back whenever she uses the OCD word. She has learned to be a very good manipulator That said I have told her I have no problem supporting whatever she needs when it comes to her OCD however she has never communicated about her OCD and has expected me to read her mind about the whole thing including getting mad at her dad if he told me anything. Thanks for the validation. For sure OCD does not list rudeness as a criterion.
keep your place if it keeps
This. So much this.
Your husband is the root of
Your husband is the root of the problem here.
It sounds like your SDs feel
It sounds like your SDs feel like they have to remain loyal to their mother. Therefore nothing you do will change that. They may come around when they are older and more mature, but for now I think you need to accept the status quo. Especially since you DH has no backbone.
I would continue for now to live seperate as moving in will only lead to more problems, and stress. You will have no escape from a situation that you have no control over. At least living seperately you can avoid spending time with SDs and focus on your relationship with DH when they are not around.
Loyalty bind
For sure, I think I am starting to realize this and the BM is a narcissist so this is a lose-lose situation. I need to let go of the idea that this SD's will ever be close to me. Living separately seems to be the answer.
Keep your own place
I kept my own place after I got married until I was sure that no skid would move in with us. More fool me and hence why I found this site and chose the name TheAccidentalSM.
Disengage
Ejamer - do a search on this site for "disengage". You will find a lot of information about how to disengage from the SDs so that you can find peace.
It sounds like you would be
It sounds like you would be well ahead of the game to maintain your own place until his daughters age out of visitation.
It sounds like your DH and his EX share responsibility for the way their girls behave.... mom is sniping at you and him.. but he is doing zilch to support you or set expectations in his home.
You definitely should disengage.. like asking them to come out of their rooms for their dad's birthday? That would be something for him to deal with.. it's not anything you need to manage for him. In fact, they are likely to push back if you try to "mom" them in that way..
So, if your husband can't fix the issues in his home and in his children.. there is no reason to subject yourself to the negativity..I would maintain your own place.
Stop doing for them, like now
Stop doing for them, like now. If you have no authority to shape and make boundaries with them (i.e. your DH backs you up and helps you with this 100%) you have zero responsibility.
Stop doing their laundry TODAY. Stop cooking for people who refuse to eat your food. Stop driving them around! Why is your DH not doing these things? Examples:
We moved into our home when SDs were 10 and 12. i gave them a lesson and posted instructions on how to use the washing machine/dryer. I walked them through it once or twice. YSD took her own laundry over, she does all her stuff hersefl from age 10. OSD refused to do anything. DH had to "help" her (i.e. do it for her). I didn't touch anything. This includes bedding and towels.
Cooking - both SDs were/are picky, with OSD having I believe an eating disorder. After many meals were complained about and not eaten (it grew worse as they got older, not better as it should have) I told DH that I was done cooking when SDs were with us. I still help shop but only buy necessities; any 'special' things he wants to get for them HE has to do. Because both of them refused also to go to the store and DH never made them do so.
Driving them - if they don't ask you nicely and make sure it's ok with you, and this includes your DH, and then thank you for the ride, be done. This is your time, effort and $$ going into this, it's not a freebie esp. at their ages. I got tired of being expected to drive them and often asked at the last minute. And after being the driver for YSD from a special class she had, every time, and then getting shunned at the exhibition I told DH, "Never again am I driving for all the thanks I got."
Those are just some examples of how I handled it. Not everyting stopped at one time, but there were specific reasons that often happened more than once; and I always explained to DH why I was not doing something. "They need to learn how to function in the real world" is also a common response.
Drivng the SD
Yes so DH and the BM had an idea that the kids would go to the schools they chose when they got to high school in two different cities! DH is unable to drive his SD one of the days because he goes to work in another city so because I have that day off and can move around my schedule I offered to drive. The SD would have literally been screwed or he would have lost work which we cannot afford. In fairness to her, she has always been respectful with the driving thanking me and uber sickly polite. I think it's because she knows she would have to walk or take the bus and her OCD won't let her get on a dam bus!. He will l have to figure it out over the next 2 weeks because driving her isn't worth being exposed now that the restrictions in my area has opened up and I get the shot on Friday. It will be interesting to see how he figures it out.
Ah, I see. So long as she's
Ah, I see. So long as she's being even superficially polite then ok (my SD never ever ever thanked me once).
I disagree. Its not ok for
I disagree. Its not ok for her to be polite on the drive and a raging bitch the other 23 hours of the day. Let mommy and daddy figure it out.
LMAO ok yes ! !
Yes that's it. No more rides to school. School is out in 2 weeks and I will not be driving her the next 2 so next year she's on her own.
Being together living apart
It is a "thing". I have seen many on this board who do that/have done that. Im reading a great book called "stepmonster". It details things such as Parental Alienation and Loyalty Binds.
Basically what is happening to these kids.
But that doesnt excuse their behavior, it simply explains where it is coming from and how it happens.
Your husband is a weak parent.
Your role is "Wife", not mother.
You are "dads wife", not step mom.
Stop doing anything for them at all, especialy not cooking. I let Husband do all cooking and pickups/drop offs since School-gate happened a few months go. Its a relief actually.
When you stop trying to "mom" them, when you stop putting the pressure on yourself to be anything for them, you will feel sooooooo much better.
Dont let your husband try to gaslight or manipulate you into doing for them - he will then have to step up his parenting game. You are making things easier for him, and they are treating you like a doormat. Stop letting that happen.
gas lighting to maintain denial
Yes I swear my DH believes that we will someday live like the one happy family he always wished for but that didn't happen the first time because of his narcissistic nasty ex and now he has 2 daughters who are basically mini BM. He might be scared of them like he was scared of her. Regardless its too late - he refused to parent them or maybe just didn't have a clue? I am so tired of hearing from my DH but they really like you! No they don't and then i go into the crazy of explaining all the nasty actions that don't match their lies to their dad.
I used to say wow you had an opportunity here with me but now I am starting to get that I am just not that powerful and that its not my job! Plus I am so burned out with their nasty ness and unhappiness. They are just miserable. All they talk about all day long is TV shows and movies. I don't think we will ever be friends. God forbid I talk about any other subject besides TV! Then I am just the weirdo outsider.
BM talks shit about me to SD who confronted me on it
Last week my 17 SD said " mom says you cancelled a coffee with her that was supposed to talk about my Mental health." I am thinking first of all the coffee wasn't going to be about you but ok typical teen view. I was so furious that the BM is making me look like a douche to the SD but then again I am aware of her personality and the awful person that she is so I am not sure why I am surprised. I am so pissed
I am contemplating letting my SD know that I will not speak about any issue that her BM has brought up regarding me. That her mom can contact me directly if she has any issues or concerns about me. My SD is so dumb she actually made the BM look really bad and basically gave it away that they trash talk me behind my back. I am sure the BM trashes me a lot but relies on her daughters to keep her secrets or hopes they stirred shit when they are what she refers to as " their idiot dad place"
Is it a bad idea to set this boundary? I mean is that not disengaging. I mean honestly, I can't stand the drama. I was thinking of addressing it in the moment if it happens again but also considered sending her a text. She is being taught to do her mother's emotional work for her. She also said Mom thinks you don't like her. DH said nothing and yet SD already asked me this a couple of weeks ago in the car and I answered no that is not the case and dropped it but of course she had to bring it up again on the heels of her sisters complaint list against me and in front of DH to make me feel and look bad.
There is absolutely no reason
There is absolutely no reason that you need to communicate with BM. None. Why are you having coffee with her? Step away from the woman and do not give her another thought. That isn't disengaging, that is self-preservation. Tell yourself that you do not give a fart what she thinks of you. She is nothing to you. Block her on all fronts.You married her ex, that doesn't mean you have to be buddy-buddy with her. The only person in your couple she should be communicating with is your husband. That's it.
Yep and thats why 3 years ago I cancelled it.
The trouble is the SD 17 felt the need to be the mediator for her mother who is still upset about it. She confronted me on why I cancelled this coffee 3 years ago so obviously, the BM is begin driven nuts that we have not talked, since and are not friends. In her world, we would all get along in the dysfunctional enmeshment with her girls and I would let her spend Christmas with us on the DH if the holiday falls on the DH day!. Not! In what world especially when she has refused to co-parent and has made things entirely horrible for me during this whole COVID crisis ( not communicating what is going on ). Also what BM trash talks the DH new wife to her daughter! Boundaries do not exist. Makes me sick.