HELP!
Hello all,
I have found myself coming to read these forums after every incident with BM, and always was relieved (though sad) to find there were women out there experiencing the same things I was. I have four children in the home, one from a previous relationship, a 9-year-old stepson and two babies with my husband.
He never married his son’s mother, which may be at the heart of the problems we -- or should I say I -- have experienced with her. (I say ‘I’ because unless she overtly makes a comment or request directly pertaining to me, he’s oblivious. And since she’s a master passive aggressive, she rarely takes the overt and direct route.)
Early on in the relationship, she’d do things like just barging into his home on pickups without knocking, calling two to three times daily (for whatever minutia she could think up as an excuse to call), showing up at MY home (before we moved in together), and at his family’s engagements. The family members who invited her (and still have her pictures up around their homes) would yell at him to fix her a plate, get her a seat. She’d do things during these events like demand to see his phone to determine whether he really did not receive her last phone call -- and he‘d willingly hand it over. And we would proceed through the most awkward afternoons/evenings known to man until he just started refusing to go to his family affairs.
While always intrusive and nosy about our relationship, she always kept up a syrupy sweet (read fake) façade with us up until he told her we were engaged. Then she started making demands, such as she did not want me at SS9’s special-needs doctor’s appointments. Previously H and BM would drive to these appointments together, a usually all-day affair in a neighboring state to see specialists. SS9 asked for me to go, too, so I agreed.
BM ranted for an hour on the phone about this being their “family time,‘’ about H bringing me with him to pickups and dropoffs, and about all the things he “now does’’ with his new family. All of which H listened to patiently, rather than just hanging up the phone on the drunk dialer. He did bring me to the appointments, (and she stopped driving with him) but he made it clear he was very uncomfortable the first few visits. Somehow I have always been made to feel like a third party in my own family.
Thankfully most of those really bad times are over. Over the past four years we’ve been together, I’ve discussed everything that bothered me about the situation and how he could go about making things better while still being civil with BM. I would never tell him to be rude to his son’s mother, I’m a BM myself and I wouldn’t want my son’s father treating me meanly, even if I had become the asshole BM from hell. After years of arguing, discussions and breakups, slowly but surely, H has caught on. He no longer blows up at the ridiculousness (because that’s what she wants), he doesn’t engage her when she‘s calling with the minute bull, he cuts it short if she’s trying to make a scene in front of the house, etc.
BUT. She still exists and obviously there are still valid reasons they have to communicate. My thing has been that, after everything we’ve been through with this person, the oddball comments, the pestering phone calls over minutia, arguments over nothing, he should be letting me know, whenever she calls, what the call is regarding. In a way, it just helps me feel comfortable that nothing is going on that would lead us back down the road we’ve been on.
The problem: He agreed to do it for a while, and would even just put her calls on speaker. But now he has flat-out refused to do it, or he will offer a 2-second summary of a lengthier conversation. He says he’s not doing anything ‘nefarious’ so he shouldn’t have to report back with every call.
My issue is these phone calls often involve schedule changes, which he forgets to tell me about until the last minute. They also involve inquiries about what we’re doing on holidays -- to which he will always respond ‘nothing’ (which irks me, even if we aren’t doing anything LOL), which will either result in us having to keep SS because she wants to go out (such as on party holidays) or in us not getting SS because she wants to have him for her family dinners. Or, she’s making a request about something that she will later blow up about because H didn't do it -- me never knowing that a request has even been made because he didn’t say so.
And, at the end of the day, a part of me is feeling like, we’ve been through all this…wtf would it hurt to do this one last thing for me? I don’t like having to live with the discomfort of not knowing exactly what’s to come in my own home. I feel it’s such a small thing for him to do that would mean so much for my comfort level. He has continued to blatantly have conversations in front of me which he barely explains. Meanwhile, if I have phone calls or text messages coming in from any man, it’s a huge issue.
Basically, I’ve simply stopped speaking to him, unless we have to talk about the kids. On the one hand I feel like I’m being a total control freak. On the other hand I feel like this situation warrants a control freak or it will get back to being out of control. Further, I feel like this I something he already agreed to do for the sake of our relationship, and to take it back now just means his word is shit.
Most importantly, I also feel like I deserve to just feel -- for once in four years -- total peace. Am I ruining my marriage over nothing? Or is he? Help!
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Comments
Different situations with different results
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
I know my H talks to BM. I usually have no clue when, how often, or what about. And I really could care less unless it affects me (for instance, their scheme to have SD14 move in with me). No-that's not true. Somewhere deep inside, I do resent it-the fact that she calls and I know nothing of it. But I've gotten so used to him planning, making decisions with SD17 without my knowledge, that it's just become an extension of that. I resent it all but simply don't care enough to put up a fight over it.
Why did your H suddenly change how he was handling things? Sounds like he was being pretty reasonable for awhile, then changed...was there a catalyst?
I wouldn't say you're ruining your marriage over nothing. Feelings are never "nothing". Maybe he just feels that after this long he's tired of her invasions, and the effort it takes to repeat what she's said?
I don't know. For me, if I didn't have so many larger issues to deal with, I'd tackle the H/BM/SD17 private little "exchanges". But with all else that's been going on in these 8 months of marriage, I just don't have the energy.
Yeah my H
does this too. He will say BM said '''' and all I really want to know is what HE said to her. My H always stands up for me but it drives my crazy when he does not tell BM when SD9 is lying. For example SD calls "I don't want to come over tonight becuz SM yelled at me about my underwear" when in fact she yelled at ME and I quietly told her she cannot wear dirty underwear. My H should have said "No you yelled at her, but if you don't want to come over thats fine with me" So thats why I want to know.....I feel he should pick and choose his battles not duck from ALL of them.
Do I get angry about it? No. I have plenty of other issues with SD, these conversations are little in comparison (to me anyway). But if this is really important to you then let him know...
Re: Help!!
Hi there,
After reading your post, I can see similar issues I used to have with BM, schedule changes and the like.
Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, what if she had been married to him, not you? From what you have written, it would seem she obviously has issues because he wanted to marry you, not her. That's her problem, not yours. You have the upper hand on that one. Do you think she still poses a threat to you?
If not, then why worry about every little detail in her phone calls etc, unless it affects you directly, why stress yourself out unecessarily. It seems that your husband has also learnt not to go along with her little games, unreasonable demands which would have made a big difference, she's just making an idiot out of herself. Trust him to be able to handle it, I'm sure if/when things start going backwards, you will know about it whether he tells you or not.
The reason that I say this, is because when BF told me every little detail aboout BM's calls, texts etc, I would find reasons to criticise, mock, ridicule etc, about stuff that really didn't affect me whatsoever. So BF, being caught in the middle trying to keep both her and I in his good books, started to not tell me. Mind you, if it was something that affected my/our plans or something that was important as opposed to senseless ranting and raving, he would tell me.
If last minute schedule changes affect YOU greatly, then he needs to be responsible enough to realise that. Same goes with holiday plans, how much does it affect YOU?
My BF and I are a bit different when it comes to planning, I like to have a reasonable idea of what I'm doing in advance, he, on the other hand, tends to go with the flow a bit more. If I want to to do something - then I will let him know and if it affects SD and/or BMs arrangements, I will ask him to contact her to let her know.
I am lucky that things are reasonably amicable between BF, BM & I, and SD12 lives with us fulltime.
Sometimes she has a bit of a turn, however, I take a step back, let him have the earful and offer support if he wants to talk about it - rather than bagging her out. Let him know your are on his side rather than him being caught in the middle and trying to keep you, his son and her happy. I'm sure once he knows that, he will be more forthcoming with the content of the phone calls.
My two cents,
Mave
Your husband is ruining your
Your husband is ruining your marriage. Sounds like the BM is in your life WAY TO MUCH! The whole car ride thing and her saying that there "family time" nonononononoooooo!! family time was over a long time ago. and your SS is going to get so confused. he'll think there together and where do you came in on all of this. way to much.
The BM needs to get her own life. What the sh*t do they talk about so much, the boy is 9? can't he tell his dad what is going on as far as sports and school? the only thing she needs to be asking is about drop off and pick up.
why was the dr an all day affair? Is your SS really sick and need treatment? Does the BM drive?
your in'laws are rude! that's so wrong and would so hurt my feelings.
My husband doesnt tell me when BM calls. I have to look at his cell and see that she called and bring it up to him. If he brings it up to me it's a question about something he doesnt know about his own kid. example, SS health insurance, his clothes, blah blah blah. The calls have stopped because I told her she was calling for stupid reasons! now she only calls when it's something important about SS. your husband needs to stop talking to her so much. It's sound like she is more focused on your H and not your SS. She need to back off.
"Basically, I’ve simply stopped speaking to him, unless we have to talk about the kids."
No that's what BM and him need to do!!
I feel your pain
I really do. We kind of have the same thing going on except that BM likes to call ME. I may at one point brought that upon myself. From the beginning she has been a thorn in my side. I tried all kinds of things to get a point across to her, nothing works. I realized she just likes being mean and deceitful.. that makes her world go round. BM STILL calls to say "happy anniversary" to my DH, and she loves to call my phone and have me tell him. Well obviously I dont.. because lets be honest, she doesnt even care if I tell him, she just wants to remind ME what day it is. Its all a game. I used to let her win, im done now. She isnt worth my time. I have come to know that every holiday, birthday and so forth one of us will get a call from her. I especially like when she calls on her birthday to let everyone know that its her day.... FREAK!!
I tried being her "friend", I thought if she seen me in a different light that maybe she would chill out with her "im so sorry for what i did to him, will you tell him that" (she cheated on him 3 times during their marriage) and ummmm no. Tell him yourself, nitwit. She likes to remind me that she has one "over" me since she has kids with him and I dont, so I simply remind her that I have him...TRUMP THAT!! LOL Also, I like to keep my enemies close, ya know? What I did was really make this girl want to call me and tell me about her and her bf relationship.. he cheats on her constantly and WOW... karma is a b*tch!! Last night she told me she is getting the ring my H got her before she left him fixed. OK.. definitely dealing with a space cadet!!
But really, Im the same way as you, I like to know what the hell she is calling for this time and what she said. Could be annoying to H but oh well, its annoying to me that he takes her insane calls all the time. I think your H might just be getting tired of explaining every call (mine sure is), not that there is anything to hide.. in his brain he knows none of it means a thing and he just doesnt understand why he has to repeat every call. But on the other hand, he needs to realize that it helps you, and really, arent we the ones they are supposed to be looking out for? Making us comfy? Men just are not able to see things how we do. I guess when you get "questionable" calls maybe answer him the same way. Give him a two second response. I dont know.... thats probably not a good idea. Sorry. LOL. Just put your foot down, tell him the reasons you want to know and if he still doesnt then maybe an ultimatum is in need. Good luck! Also if you find anything that works, let me know.. I could use some info on this as well.
set him straight
MY hubby always tells me when BM and him talk. Why? respect b/c it's my home to and should know whats going on so I can accommodate or just be aware or b/c she said something off the wall and it was funny.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the advice.
@ bewitched, I'm not sure why he stopped re: making me aware of all the content of the calls and the speaker phone. we've gone through it before where he stopped and just said it was too much to have to do...and he complained I criticize one way (hearing the content) or the other (not hearing the content), so he stopped. I talked him back into doing it then, and I imagine it's the same reason now, but I'm not going to keep offering refresher courses (read arguments) every six months for the rest of my life. It's exhausting!!
@ sm1: I hear you re: the phone calls are a small thing. It's just that we've gotten all the major stuff out of the way (for the most part) and this is the last obstacle to me just feeling completely relaxed and happy (without having the constant niggling worry/curiosity/in the pit of the stomach because i don't know what's next or what happened). After everything else, I think I deserve a few months of unadulterated peace of mind.
I thought the whole not-speaking thing would let him know it was important to me. Instead he's taking the attitude that if I'm not speaking, he won't either. So I guess we have reached an impasse.
The BS
@ wellbutrin...Thanks, all the other garbage - the car ride, the in-laws, etc - has come to a grinding halt (for the most part). The last piece of the puzzle that still needs "fixing" is the phone call situation, which actually had been resolved until he just up and decided to start getting sketchy about details again. If he lets one thing start up again, I feel like all of it could. SS9 does have developmental delays so, yes, there are sometimes things he can't be trusted to relay, that they have to discuss directly. That wouldn't be a problem, as long as he was letting me know what was going on.
"Basically, I’ve simply stopped speaking to him, unless we have to talk about the kids."
"No that's what BM and him need to do!!"
You are totally right about this. I feel bad because I feel like after everything I am letting her win at the BS.
@ christine LMAO!Do we have
@ christine LMAO!Do we have the same BM?!
I cracked up reading that post, re: holidays and birthdays. Except our BM is passive aggressive so she'll make sure she calls about something ELSE - but always on special days. I swear, I can predict like the tides when she will make a scene or need to make an extended phone call. Of course H can never figure out that New Year's Day or one of our birthdays means something is about to go down. Meanwhile I have to make sure my hair is done, be fully dressed and make sure house and kids are presentable (even if we'd all rather be vegging out in pajamas) because I know there's a good chance we'll have an uninvited guest. LOL.
"in his brain he knows none of it means a thing and he just doesnt understand why he has to repeat every call"
I'm sure this is EXACTLY what he's thinking, but I'm so tired of the struggle over the same stuff, he may end up losing his wife over it. The sad part is, I once felt really sad if I thought about moving on and now I just feel slightly relieved at the prospect of not having to deal with it anymore.
How I'll deal with three kids in tow on my own may be another story tho...:?
@spitfire....and that's the
@spitfire....and that's the way it should be.
Mave, You are my inner voice
Mave,
You are my inner voice of reason, I tell myself the same things all the time.
"My BF and I are a bit different when it comes to planning, I like to have a reasonable idea of what I'm doing in advance, he, on the other hand, tends to go with the flow a bit more."
This is a huge problem of ours. I like to know wayyyy in advance if I'm getting a visitor, even if I have no particular plans, and he doesn't get why it is an issue because he couldn't care less about making a plan on the drop of a dime.
And you are right about him feeling like I criticize whether he tells me or doesn't tell me about the convos...He has told me as much. It's just hard not to criticize when he's telling me that some chick just made a scene on my front porch (about SS9's teeth-brushing habits, no less) with the cable guy at the house. (Not that it should matter that the cable guy was present, but somehow it does. LOL)
I will try to work on that.... or start apartment hunting. lol.
Do not feel bad and do not
Do not feel bad and do not let BM think for one minute she is winning at anything.
since your SS9 does have developmental delays you do need to know what is going on so you can help him and be a part of his (im going to say recovery) but help him in life and go the direction the DR and everyone else is going. Let your husband know this. say you need to know so you can help with him. if everyone else is doing one thing and your doing another not knowing.You want to be a part of this, but can't if you don't know. Plus your other children. your BS? is he old enough to know what is going on with SS? if so he my not understand and needs to know how he can be a part of it too! your husband needs to see this as a family situation, your family, there is not BM in your family! You and him need to be the partners in your home to help your SS while he is in your and your husbands care. The BM needs to figure it out for herself how SHE can help her son while he is in her care. you and your husband are a team with the kids and he needs to see this.
and you are a strong mother, with four children. you have to be strong to be blessed with that.